Ok.. my therapist says that I need to cry every now and then. I cry inside but very little ever manifests outside until tonight.

I have to share this because it is ripping me apart inside and I feel so lost and sad so much of the time.

On Monday night, my husband was very ill and I had to take him to the hospital which is where he has been all week.

Tonight I went to watch our little 8 year old baby boy sing with his classmates. They sang "We are the World" and I cried. Standing in front of all of these people who have no idea what is happening in our lives and I looked into that precious little beautiful face and I saw joy. And then I remembered all of the programs that my husband and I have gone to over the last several years with both of our boys and how lonely it was that he was not there with me.

I tried not to cry but it happened. God this is so unfair. I hurt all of the time and I can;t ever make it go away. I try to be strong for him but when I leave him I fall apart. My house is a wreck, the laundry is not done, the fridge needs cleaning out and I just cannot seem to find the motivation to do anything.

I never dreamed that I would ever have to face this in my life. My mother-in-law is 90 and her son has taken such good care of himself that this was the last thing I ever thought that we would have to face.

I have never felt such sadness in my life and damn it hurts every minute of every day!

Netteq
I have been where you are...its hell.
I wish there was some magic words I could say that would make you feel better.
Please know there is light at the end of this bloody awful tunnel..what your family is going through is probably the worst time of your life, but , just you wait till you get that first clear scan, things will change on a dime!
Who cares if the house is not perfect...ask for some help from your friends.
My friends were so delighted when I finally asked for help , they relly needed to feel needed.
It sounds like you need a litle break, maybe just a walk around the Mall, a massage is nice if you can swing it, just something for you.
You cannot do everything yourself.
Have your cry and then pick yourself up and put on that smile he needs to see.
This is the place for you to vent , we know what it feels like and we really do care.
As you can see my hubby had about the same diagnoses as yours and he is back to his old self driving me crazy!!
Take care of yourself Netteq.
Marica

Your husband and children are your motivation right now, they NEED you to stop dwelling on the morbid side of this thing called cancer. I know it's hard, I've been there PLUS had to deal with the side effects of treatment. I remember crying at the kitchen sink one time, watching my youngest (9 at the time) in the backyard with her father. I was weak from radiation and it just overwhelmed me that she might be left without a mother. But I can tell you that she seldom saw me sad or down, in fact we all worked double time to keep life as normal as possible for her and her sisters.
I'm not trying to be insensitive. I just feel like you're really caught up in the "down" side of it all. If you're feeling this overwhelmed I can only imagine how your husband and children feel. Maybe focusing on how they feel and ways to assist them through this difficult time will help take your focus off the depressed feelings and make you feel better.
Again, please don't take this post the wrong way. You need to vent your feelings and talk about it. But you also need to begin to work on coping techniques that are going to help you and your family through the toughest times that are still to come.
Minnie