#33787 02-03-2005 06:11 AM | Joined: Nov 2004 Posts: 13 Member | OP  Member
Joined: Nov 2004 Posts: 13 | Hullo
A friend has squamous anaplastic tonsillar and is now in week 6 of 8 week radiotherapy. He's suffering badly with all the things you all know about..he's fiercely independant, lives alone - and we talk on messenger. We share jokes, jibes and smart-arse dialogue but now he's obviously in a bad way.
I find it hard to 'be there' without either false jollity or platitudes. I care very deeply about him..and would appreciate any advice about how to be the best type of friend.
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#33788 02-03-2005 06:52 AM | Joined: Apr 2002 Posts: 80 Likes: 1 Senior Member (75+ posts) | | Senior Member (75+ posts)
Joined: Apr 2002 Posts: 80 Likes: 1 | Small
I found that someone just being there was great. You will not believe how many people ran away from me, you say cancer and it can clear a room guicker than anything I know of. We don't care what you say or do, just be there.
JOAN
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#33789 02-03-2005 06:54 AM | Joined: Mar 2003 Posts: 1,384 Likes: 1 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Mar 2003 Posts: 1,384 Likes: 1 | The fact that you are already there means to me that you already are the best type of friend. I believe you should ask this person what they need and discuss how to fill that need. This time in the treatment is tough physically and mentally. It could be that humor is all that helps. It could be that your friend is struggling with the much deeper meaning of life. Only they can tell you.
One thing for certain (in my mind) is that they appreciate you for being there in any way.
Take care
Mark, 21 Year survivor, SCC right tonsil, 3 nodes positive, one with extra-capsular spread. I never asked what stage (would have scared me anyway) Right side tonsillectomy, radical neck dissection right side, maximum radiation to both sides, no chemo, no PEG, age 40 when diagnosed.
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#33790 02-03-2005 10:30 AM | Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 | Hi
Stay with it, I needed my best friend just TO BE THERE.. so do what feels right.
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen
SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
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#33791 02-03-2005 11:20 AM | Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 | You are a great friend to just be there. Don't worry about anything and just be yourself. It was sometimes hard for me when people would visit and not be how they would be if I wasn't looking so puny. I watched a lot of movies with one friend who dropped by regulary. Or, rather, I slept while he watched...
It might not hurt to give him a flower and ask if there is anything else he needs. Just knowing you are there when he needs it will comfort him.
I hope he does better each day.
Ed
SCC Stage IV, BOT, T2N2bM0
Cisplatin/5FU x 3, 40 days radiation
Diagnosis 07/21/03 tx completed 10/08/03
Post Radiation Lower Motor Neuron Syndrome 3/08.
Cervical Spinal Stenosis 01/11
Cervical Myelitis 09/12
Thoracic Paraplegia 10/12
Dysautonomia 11/12
Hospice care 09/12-01/13.
COPD 01/14
Intermittent CHF 6/15
Feeding tube NPO 03/16
VFI 12/2016
ORN 12/2017
Cardiac Event 06/2018
Bilateral VFI 01/2021
Thoracotomy Bilobectomy 01/2022
Bilateral VFI 05/2022
Total Laryngectomy 01/2023
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#33792 02-03-2005 11:51 AM | Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 482 "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 482 | small minnow, sounds like you are doing a great job to me. As noted above, just being with your friend is a good thing. An occasional kind touch, a soft voice, a pat, all can mean more than words. Keep it up, I'm sure your friend appreciates it more than you can imagine.
Regards, Kirk Georgia
Stage IV, T1N2aM0, right tonsil primary, Tonsilectomy 11/03, 35 rad/3cisplatin chemo, right neck dissection 1/04 - 5/04.
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#33793 02-04-2005 10:49 AM | Joined: May 2003 Posts: 928 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: May 2003 Posts: 928 | Small Minnow
What a great friend you are, he is in a bad way right now, feeling sick as a dog and scared to boot . If he can eat at all bring him some soup. if not ask him what he needs. Maybe its just to hear a friendly voice or give him a wee hug.
Stay in touch with him however .
Marica
Caregiver to husband Pete, Dx 4/03 SCC Base of Tongue Stage IV. Chemo /Rad no surgery. Treatment finished 8/03. Doing great!
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#33794 02-06-2005 10:38 PM | Joined: Jan 2004 Posts: 14 Member | | Member
Joined: Jan 2004 Posts: 14 | I agree with the others. Your presence is what is required. When I found out I had cancer what really kept my spirits up were the people who did not run from it, who were THERE. I have also been there for a number of dying family members...I am here to tell you every one of them APPRECIATED the jokes, and light hearted comments. If they wanted to talk serious, we did that too...I just mostly let them set the pace...and sometimes it was simply sit in the room for them and BE there.
Squamous Cell Carcinoma, floor of mouth. T2 N0 M0. Diagnosed January 2004. Partial glossectomy, right neck dissection, removal of floor of mouth, gum, bottom teeth, flap from forearm, skin grafts.
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#33795 02-07-2005 03:41 AM | Joined: Sep 2002 Posts: 642 "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts) | | "Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Joined: Sep 2002 Posts: 642 | Small minnow,
I agree with others that just being there is good for your friend. Many friends and relatives made that one call after they heard that I was sick, but did not call back after that. I completely understand. Before I had cancer I had no clue what to say to a person with cancer...all I could think was " dead man walking ". I lived alone during my treatments, although my sister, mom, and girlfriend lived nearby. I liked the privacy, but I did find that, especially in the rough time after treatment ended, that it was good for me if a friend or two came by to visit almost every day. So, stick with it, go see him.
Also, you don't have to walk on eggshells around a cancer patient. We know what we are facing, and hearing all that stuff like " be positive, keep a good attitude " goes in one ear and out the other. Many people with cancer like to talk about it, so ask questions if you are curious, and most importantly, be a good listener.
You are a great friend,
Danny G.
Stage IV Base of Tongue SCC
Diagnosed July 1, 2002, chemo and radiation treatments completed beginning of Sept/02.
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#33796 02-07-2005 11:17 AM | Joined: Jul 2003 Posts: 382 Likes: 3 Platinum Member (300+ posts) | | Platinum Member (300+ posts)
Joined: Jul 2003 Posts: 382 Likes: 3 | Hi- Well I'm one for the practical. What I really appreciated when I was sick was not the friends that said, "Call me if there is anything I can do" because when I really needed them I could not longer talk! It was the friends that would just stop by, cleaning products in hand that took the time to vacuum and clean my bathroom. And stock my freezer with a few casserols so I could continue to feel like I was mmeting my families needs. No one wants to ask for help, but by the middle of radiation we sure need it! Make it fun and tell them they are King or Queen for the Day. - Kris
SCC Stage IV left tonsil neck disection 3/02 radiation finished 6/02 chemo finished 9/02
Stage 2A left breast cancer 3/09, chemo and radiation, finished treatment 2/7/10 -Stage 2 right beast cancer 10/14 chemo and radiation
Every day is still a gift :-)
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