HI, you may or not remembr me. I was here earier in the year getting info tohelp my friend, whose Husband was DXed with oral cancer. he ws stage 1, Neck Nodes were fine, parial tongue removal, margins clear, etc.... basically told all cancer was removed. He still has his 1st check up, he canceled the appointment, no real reason. Lisa (my friend) was upset about that. I guess hehas beendepresed, but there isn't much you cando when the person refuses to admit it and deied it. Anyway, they went on a 6 hour road trip, a family getaway for the weekend. Her husband bught chewing tobacco and started chewing and spitting right there in the van onthe drive, with the kids in back. Lisa was in shock at first, then cried and cried, then yelled,then cried, etc...... Her DH said "It's justfor today,it's a long drive". Lisa knows it may start as 'just this once' but it will end up being a habit again. She is devisated, scared, mad, frustrated, says part of her feels like she doesn't even love him anymore now that he has started up again. Part of her wants to forgive him and let him chew and just hope he stops. Part of her wants a divorce.... I suggested she come back here to get some support andhelp, she again,isn't able to do anything. So I am here on her behalf. Is this someting her Dh just needs to work thrugh? Should besupportive and be there for him? Should she be tough and move out till he stops? Is there anything you can suggest I tell her?
THANKS

Kimberly

Kimberly,

I'm sorry to hear what your friend is dealing with right now -- it has to be unbelievably disturbing to see her husband resuming this habit when it almost certainly contributed to his cancer in the first place. My recollection is that he has been treated at a major cancer center. If that is the case, they should have a hospital social worker who may be able to advise your friend on a course of action. Also, his doctors need to be told what's going on, since his recent actions are clearly not helping his recovery prospects.

Cathy

I, for one, found out the hard way that 1 or 2 cigarettes a day were 1 or 2 too many. Started off as 1 a week and 6 months later, it was 1 a day. Four years later if was loss of voice box and total largectomy.

So soon after treatment, he is just asking for a reoccurrence. The tissues are still so sensitive. He need to stop now. Try to avoid stressful situations. Get some help from social worker at hospital. But if he is also cancelling dr appointments he sounds like he is in denial and needs more help than just quitting. Sounds like he is depressed. It is common after dx of cancer and nees to be addressed. Your friend should probably also seek medical help. Sounds like her stress levels have reached an unmanagable proportions without help. Its is not just the patient that is affected by thsi but the entire faimly.

Take care,
Eileen

Kimberly,

Unfortunately, nobody can answer the questions you are asking except Lisa. If her husband does not even follow up with doctors when he is supposed to and insists on continuing with dumb behavior, is there really a threat that will coerce him into submission? There are underlying reasons why she stays in her relationship and still believes she can rescue him when he needs it. None of us are able to tell her what she needs to do with her life and most if not all of us would not tell her husband everything will work out fine even if he continues to chew and postpones all of his doctor visits. If "being there for him" means sitting back and watching him deteriorate until he dies from this disease and forcing their children to sit back and watch it...I guess she knows the answer without any of us telling her.

Best wishes for your friend Lisa and especially for the children. Strangely, though, many of our children have to see us suffer from this disease anyway.

Ed

Being in recovery for many years (and also having lived with addicts and drunks) I can tell you that threats and ultimatums don't work. Boundaries, that are appropriate, are the best way to deal with it - always give choices such as "you can chew if you wish but I am going over to my mothers because I can't bear to deal with it". It is also appropriate to share your feelings but don't be accusitory or threatening. I would also find a support group such as alanon for yourself to understand the mechanisms of addiction and help for yourself.

Addiction is a tough nut to crack. I saw many persons sneaking cigarettes in the radiation treatment facility at UCSFCCC (which is one of the leading antismoking research facilities in the world).

Thanks. I just wish I knew what to do o help her, but I guess there really isn't anythng I can to do make her pain and hurt go away. I just don't undertsand 9and neither does she) how aprson who has gone through so much can go back to the bait that caused their pain to begin with.

I like your sugesstion of the bounderies and leaving the house while he is chewing. I will pass that on.

I will ask her about a social worker at the hospital. I have never heard her mentionone, nor has there been mention of speech therapy, though his speech is still poor. I'll menti0one these things to her.

Thanks.

Dear kaber
What a nightmare for Lisa, I wish I had an answer for her. She is a lucky girl to have a friend who cares so much, I dont want to sound judgemental(sp) but I guess am , what a moron he is.

prayers for Lisa and her boys.
Marica