At Mark's request I started a new thread off of Sweetie's old Despair thread, after I sort of "Hijacked" the thread and we got off on a new tangent.

The action thus far:

Post by me (JetAgeHobo)

Sweety, Sabrina, yep, I think maybe we tend to grieve for what we lost. Even though we may have survived the cancer and the battle, things never will be the same. Yep, I pretty much look ok now, some say even better now than before the cancer, but I still miss not feeling like there's impending doom, and miss just plain feeling GOOD!

I wonder if I"ll ever get used to the fact I can't move my arms like I used to, that my tongue is gonna pretty much always feel strange. And I wonder if this tightness I feel around my neck is EVER going to go away.

But, I also learned to cherish the time I have, to live life and grab onto it, not be content to let it pass me by.

In the spiritual, cosmic scheme of things, I wonder if I didn't get this for a reason. My pastor says it's because I didn't pray hard enough and it's satan's work, (oooooohhhhkkkkaaaayyy) and I took it as a message to quit being a bum and DO SOMETHING!!! Especially since it seems at this point the cancer is in remission and I'm about as healthy as I'm going to get at this stage.

I go in next week for another follow up PET/CT, this one is the one year from end of treatment for second go around (HUH?) and I'm having the usual pre-scan jitters. So I guess I'm getting a little philosophical this afternoon. But the next day I sign papers incorporating my own business, ever the optimist.

I guess I feel sometimes I'm the little ball in a game of cosmic pinball, and one of the flippers is broken.

Sorry for sort of hijacking the thread, but just sort of "spilled out"

--------------------
SCC Tongue, stage IV diagnosed Sept, 2002, 1st radical neck dissection left side in Sept, RAD/Chemo ended Nov 2002. Discovered spread to right side nodes March 2003, second radical neck dissection April, followed by more RAD/Chemo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 278 | From: Dongguan, China | Registered: Nov 2002 | IP: Logged

Then From Gary

Gary
Patient Advocate (300+ posts)
Member # 457

posted July 09, 2004 07:29 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Bob,
you should remind your pastor about Job -he prayed plenty and was a man of great integrity in his faith. He was still allowed to suffer. At least his story had a happy outcome. Pastors that say stuff like that drive me nuts (besides he sounds like one of Job's so called "friends". I, unfortunately, have met more than one pastor that was a lousy counselor. I really believe that some pastors shouldn't even talk to people one on one unless that have either professional training or a spiritual gift of counseling. Oh well - none of us are perfect.

I do believe, however, that disease is from Satan as well as the fear, helplessness and hopelessness. His favorite and oldest trick is to attack our minds and what better way to do that then with a life threatening illness. I heard a term today that was a wake up call "she was stricken with cancer". I never really thought of being "stricken" before.

I don't think that the reason is as important as what we do with it. We are given the opportunity as Christians to demonstrate our faith and the "fruits of the spirit" working in us under tremendous duress and many are watching (and listening).

My prayer group was encouraged by my outcome since so many they prayed for didn't survive. I am highly visible in my church being a bass player on the Wednesday worship team and Sunday programming team.

Another thing that churches often forget is that a major part of Jesus ministry on earth was healing the sick. That seems to be largely ignored in modern times.

This evening I have an earache and a sore throat (on the side opposite the cancer) so you can imagine where my "magic, magnifying mind" wants to go with it.

Thanks for sharing - it's sums up pretty well the space I'm in these days.

--------------------
Gary Allsebrook
***********************************
Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm tumor, right tonsil, Stage III/IV, T3N0M0
Tx 1/28/03 through 3/19/03, Cisplatin Chemo x2, IMRT x33(72Gy)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 801 | From: San Francisco CA | Registered: Nov 2002 | IP: Logged

Gary, after that minister's remark I wound up talking to the pastor at my mom's church who at the time was also undergoing cancer treatment, and he had been told the same thing by other pastors in the community. Lets just say it was a wrong move on their part.

Lets also just also say I no longer deal with the orgainization that came up with the first guy.

Bob

Hey guys,
I agree...what a horrible thing to say. I have read a really good book after Dan's diagnosis and during his treatment called, "Where is God when it hurts", by Phillip Yancy. What I love most about the book is that it talks about all the wrong things that are said to people suffering and how there doesn't have to be a reason that we ever know now...it's a fallen world and some bad things just happen. It's a very good read and helped me not have to try and figure out why, but like Gary said...how we react to it all. It's such a fearful, horrific thing to go thru cancer, but I have found that not asking God why or blaming any certain thing and just realizing that things happen has helped me deal with it a bit better. I just pray for everyone here and ask God to help me have strength, courage and wisdom to deal as I need to.
Take care and God bless,
Debbie

It's funny, I was raised as a Catholic and at one time wanted to be a Priest. I do not agree with a lot of the churches ideas so I pulled away from it. I never stopped believing in a higher being or ever stopped trying to be as much of a Christian as humanly possible. But I never once blamed anyone or being for my challenge against cancer except perhaps myself for some carefree youth moments. All I thought of was I WILL NOT let it BEAT me. If anyone ever said I was stricken with cancer because I did not pray enough......well I think I can honestly say I would have chewed them a new asshole real fast. Pardon my language.
David

LOL!! Me too, w/a swig of water!

Even though I did absolutely no high risk behaviors to get cancer to begin with I think God let me know I would. When I was 16 I had a vivid dream. I was standing in the waters of the bay being told I have cancer. In the water to the left my Mother looked at me like I was road kill mouthing emotionless words about how that was just too bad for you. All the while keeping as far away as possible like she might

Sort of on the same vein - I was talking with a woman the other day who was telling me how all this suffering is making me a better person (and that is why God is doing it to me!!!). I had to hang up the phone on her.
I am not a better person because of this. Actually there have been many times when I have been a much meaner person than I think I have ever been before.
Where do people get these ideas?
Leena

Along the same lines, I hope, but maybe slightly out, (my brain is frazzled).

I would not listen to what has been told above. Cancer can effect anyone at any time as we all know. Its not about being a good or bad person, although as you all know I keep on questioning 'why me?'
I am not getting any answers to that question because I am coming to realise that there are no answers.
It has nothing to do with Religion and Satan and not praying and i never believed that to begin with anyway. Its to do simply with my body and its make-up and chemistry.
This may sound mad but at least with Cancer I know its 'real.'

Sweety

When i was told that my spot on my tongue needed to be biopsied I knew then that it was cancer. Of course, in the back of my mind i was hoping that it wasn't, trying to keep my thoughts in the positive. But, thoughts came to my mind like, how will i react if it is and what will happen. Will I or won't I seek treatment. Then when the doctor said it was positive I didn't freak out. I seemed so calm about things for the longest time. Of course, I had times when I would break down and cry. But, most of the time I was calm and could even laugh about things like losing weight because I won't be able to eat and how its going to be really quite around our house. I think that God gave me that sense of calm. Don't get me wrong, I had and still have alot of question like why me. But, I have seen little things happen along the way that have showed me that God is near and I'm not alone in what I am going through. I don't believe that He wants us to suffer in any way and I don't believe that people are punished in any way for something they do or don't do by God.
Unfortunitly cancer is a part of life and death. I'm in my church choir and I had my surgery the week before the 4th of July so I couldn't participate in the Sunday program that we had been getting ready for. But, I was there on the third row watching. That was hard for me because singing is my life! Anyway, something really clicked all of the sudden during that program. You see the songs were all out of a book Called "Somebodys Praying Me Through". I thought about it and realized that I had people in eight different states praying for me during this awful ordeal. To me that was just a sign from God that he does have a hand in my life especially through this time of confussion and pain. All this has made me appreciate the little things like even the wind blowing of my face or the sunshine. I hope this hasn't affended anyone!!!

Awesome post Kelli, Thanks for sharing! Love, Carol

Hi Kelli,
my experience was very close to yours and very opposite in some ways. When I first noticed a problem in my throat I was convinced that it couldn't possibly be cancer because I hadn't smoked in over 30 years nor drank for over 9 years. I was convinced that it was a peritonsillar abcess (PTA). While I was surfing the web looking for information I ran across a personal site of an oral cancer survivor that graphically detailed his radical neck disection and entire chronology of the disease. It sent a chill down my spine (I later discovered that this was an ominous warning). Months later when I finally went to the ENT, and he informed me to "get my affairs in order", I flashed back on that site and immediately passed out in his office. I never considered the "why me" though? Since almost every one of my family members either had or died from cancer it was more like "why NOT me?".

I certainly don't believe that God punishes us on any level. We are quite capable of punishing ourselves. We have much more difficulty forgiving ourselves than God does.

I too am on a worship team at my church and had many praying for me for a very long time. My extended church family was a vital part of my healing and recovery, not only just spiritually but financially as well.

When I got the "official Dx", I already knew what to expect so I didn't dwell on it that much. I pretty much accepted that God had a perfect plan in all of this. This is not to say that I wasn't very proactive, seeking the best cures, doctors and institutions (I made myself very busy with all of the research -many decisions had to be made very quickly -another reason why I didn't really have the time to dwell on it). I truly believe that God wants us to do all that we can do first, then He does what He can do. Like others have mentioned, I prayed a lot when I was on the table. I also used it as an opportunity to be still also and listen for Gods voice in the middle of the chaos. I had much peace while I was on the table and I hope that Aztarheel reads this. I did have my fears about choking and such but it never happened. I figured out ways to mitigate those problems and constantly made little adjustments. They never had to interupt treatment. Many times I slept through the treatments. I was on the table probably close to 50 minutes with the prep time, positioning, etc. Actually in many ways being on the table was the most peaceful part of the whole deal. I listened to the same Gospel music CD every day and it became by battle cry and my comfort. I knew exactly where I was in treatment based on music music was playing. There were times that the music would really touch me deep and it would be a very emotional experience that day. I knew that God was my strength because I had NONE -especially towards the end of Tx.

Today I am back in heavy rotation on the music team. I am performing in a band again and life is better than ever. I am cancer free today.