Its happened, the bubble of numbness and feeling like I can cope has burst. The reality has hit me hard.

Oh my what is happening to me. I just completely flipped out at the one person in my life who I love the most. I am so angry with what is happening to me. So mad. I shouted and cried at him. I couldn't help it. I cannot believe the amount of anger and pain I am feeling I just want to scream. I want this out of my body, I hate it, I hate what its doing to me. Everyone is telling me you are so brave and your doing so well and you are coping brilliantly. I have never felt so utterly despairing and so completely hopeless.

Oh Sweety, your post really moved me. I know how you feel but that isn't helping YOU now. Have you seen your doctor re: antidepressants? They made a big change in my life. Don't worry about what other people think......Give your doc a call now before the weekend hits, ok?
Love and God bless
Judy U

Sweety,
what you are describing sounds like the typical stages of grief. You are greiving your old life and where you were at before cancer. Confusion, bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance are the five stages. They don't always go in order and sometimes some of them will occur simultaneously. I flipped out more than once and had major amends to make to my wonderful wife who stayed with me through all of this (she told me later she did speak with a divorce attorney though). This is why a support group is great for caregivers as well. They tend to internalize our criticisms. All they want to do is be helpful and when we jump on their case it really hurts them. I constantly had to let my wife know that I was angry about the disease and not her. You ARE entitled to your feelings.

I know well about everybody telling us how brave we are - what other choice do we have? Death - and that's about it. Cancer really kicked my ass and they're telling me how BRAVE I am?!?! I crawled through the battlefield on my hands and knees most of the time. It's not like I was out there with my hand grenades and bayonets flashing. This was hardly some Rambo thing. But what else can they say really? They are pretty clueless just how miserable we are. I used to take my drivers into the treatment room so they could watch me get bolted to the table. I would also give them the nickle tour of radiation oncology. It was enlightening for them. There were many sicker than me also which helped to keep it on perspective. In AA they say "I felt bad because I had no shoes, then I met a man that had no feet".

I used to wear a Navy Seals t-shirt to treatment a lot with the saying "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger". There WERE days that I truly thought the treatment was going to kill me.

BUT -I am stronger today - that saying is really true. I pray it will be true for you also.

Just take it one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time - keep focused on the "cancer free" outcome from this.

A little "better living through chemistry" doesn't hurt either. I took Ativan, Zanax, Prozac, Paxil, Duragesic (Fentanyl), Morphine for managing pain, depression and anxiety.

Bless your heart, we have all been right where you are at. I wish it was that easy to just yell it away, cry it away, scream it away, doesn't work we have all tried...All those you are doing so great handling this, makes you want to scream---again---what else can they say,, they have no idea what to do, what to say, how to act, neither would we if the table was turned...You are loved, we all care,,lean on us for as long as u need too, we are here,,,as long as we can be..always, vicki lynn

Sweeety, I can really feel what you're going through with your last two posts. I managed to get just about everyone I loved or knew mad at me by the end of the deal, even a few months afterward. I was angry, depressed, confused, and just plain worn out. To me everyone around me didn't understand, thought that now that the treatment was over I should be ok both physically and mentally, things were normal. Luckily, my wife and my mother understood, put up with me. My co-workers and boss didn't have a clue and I almost managed to get my self fired.

Not to make light of how you feel, but my solution to make some others understand went like this. There's a well known older expat in our community who look like hell, I mean like he should have gone to the great beyond a few years ago but someone forgot to tell him. I finally got through to my boss when he asked me how I felt and I replied "like _____ looks" His reply "that bad eh?"

Like others suggested, see if the doc can give you some antidepressents, maybe see if you can find a cancer support group locally.

And know that you are in our thoughs, any time you need to vent or need a cyber hug, we're here for you.
Bob

Hey Sweety,
I can only let you know that I am keeping you in my prayers. I have no secrets or help to add except that crying out to God everyday was what got me thru so far...and I am just the caregiver! Sometimes the fear just overwhelms me and then I try and focus on each moment or each day...definitely not the future. I also have been taking Xanax when needed to deal with it all.

Take care,
Debbie

Sweety, my heart aches for you. I hope and pray for you.

Gary, thank you for your post. By responding to one person involved in this...stuff...you help us all. I think I need to print this one out and hang it next to my desk.

Anita

Dear Sweety

My heart goes out to you. You have had to contend with so much, give yourself permission to be angry and get it out of your system. I agree with others that your doctor will be able to help with anti-depressants. Has helped me.

Another temporary method is to go into your bedroom, close the door, pick up a pillow and bang it as hard as you can, as many times as you need, on the bed. Gets some of it out without upsetting anyone else.

I'm with you, love from Helen

Sweety,

Unfortunately cancer affects you and your entire circle of family and friends. I know that all relationships get strained and after the smoke cleared, I was amazed my wife and kids still talked to me. All three show signs of post traumatic stress syndrome. I remember when my mother was terminal with ovarian cancer she used to lash out at me and my wife. I could take it when she attacked me since I knew it was disease and treatment talking, not her. It crushed me when she attacked my wife, though.

You have every right to be angry. Your whole life has been turned upside down...AGAIN! Hang in there, we are all here for you any time you need us.

Ed

You guys are the BEST! I do not know what I would do if I hadn't found this forum. I have just cried reading your posts. Your warm words of encouragement have made me very tearful because there is so much positivity and hope coming from you all.

Last night was an awful night. I have not slept, I cannot seem to stop the thoughts going around in my head. I cannot get comfortable. This morning I look awful, I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger looking back at me. The stress and pressure this causes me is the worst ever. I tell you if I can get through this, I can get through anything that life throws at at me. The numbness has returned again. Its awful but I quite like this numbness I feel because it feels almost safe and I don't have to think.

I am seeing a counsellor today and am going to start taking the 'happy pills' aka prozac or something similar. I will let you know how I am doing this evening.

Thankyou so much for spending time writing me to help me, I truly appreciate and listen to every word being spoken.

With warmest wishes and masses of ((((HUGS))))) to you all,
Sweety.