It's been almost 6 months since my father past away at 52 and still very anger and depressed. I've posted several times here and have found it is okay to vent here. It does seem to be getting better but had a set back last week. Visited my fathers house for the first time since he died at home and was also there. His wife (whom I don't care for) rented his trailer out so I spoke with the new tenent and he was very understanding and said to feel free to come by whenever. Well the wife got wind of my visit there and left me a nasty message on my machine telling me I had no right to be there and she threatened to call the cops also accused me of thinking of no one but myself. Well this woman did nothing throughout my fathers battle, I did it all including financally. She had the nerve to scattered my fathers ashes without me and there was no funeral, viewing or anything of such. So I missed out on closure with that. Mind you she had only been married 2 years and 1 1/2 years of that he was sick but couldn't deal with hospitals or doctors because it made her uncomfortable. So needless to say I was really ticked to hear her accuse me of thinking of nothing but myself. The hate I feel for this woman is so strong that I sometimes worry what will happen when I do come face to face with her. I have tried to catch her in her local hang out ( a bar of course) but haven't. And this was the first time since the week after my dad died i have even heard from her. She has played the grieving widow for a long time now, even though she moved her boyfriend in my fathers trailer a month after his death and even before his ashes where picked up from the funeral home which she would not allow me to do. The only way I find comfort is to think that my father is watching from above and knows what she is and that is why 2 months before he died he told my fiance he buried something for me for when i got married because he new he wouldn't be here. And gods honest truth I finally got what he buried and it was a letter and money. Which he had to hide from her all the time (she was an ex iv drug user) to make sure he could buy his ensure. But she tried her hardest to find what he buried but there was only one person who new where it was. I assume my father didn't trust anyone except my boyfriend to give it to me which i did have to have him dig up before i got married because i felt very strongly about there being a letter, I didn't care about any money but he did leave me 1000.00 which i decided to put a down payment on my engagement ring so now it has even extra special meaning. But the letter meant more to me than anything to know he wrote it aleast two months prior to dying and cared enough to want me to have the greatest gift i could have recieved on my wedding day. Obviously you can tell my father and i were very close it was more of a best friend relationship because he wasn't like most fathers. He never scolded me or punished me as a child and as an adult we hung out together and partied like friends only he was very protective of his baby. He would listen to me, but not tell me what to do but offer suggestions. I basically grew up in the bars with him learning to shoot pool and then i guess around 13 he had me playing for money. He was I guess a cood dad.
Still to this day i often try to pick up the phone to call him and even dreamed the other day that he staged his own death because didn't want people to see how sick he was and then somehow months later came home all better, in my dream i remember being pissed for him putting me through this hell but estatic he was alive. Oh god how I wished it wasn't a dream. I do know he will always be alive in my heart but i just feel so damned cheated that he was taken a such a young age.
I also feel guily for searching for help for him and encouraging him throughout the course of treatments to not give up that things would only get better under false pretense from doctors. That i put him through hell and torture the last year and 1/2 of his life. 85 radiation treatment above the neck and chemo every week and frequent hospial stays from dehydration due to the rad, a peg wasn't put in until the last 3 months when he reached 100 lbs which i did beg for months prior.
I do receive phone calls from newly diagnosed patients now which the doctor (ent) refers then to me because of countless hours of research on various program which i pass on to these people. Which makes me happy if i can help anyone going through or are going to go through what he did. I find it rewarding that hopefully some of my efforts will help someone else.
I am very sorry for ranting and raving but have no where else to turn. This was my first experience with losing a loved one so close and dear to my heart and not to mention the suffering he experiened for so long that for being 30 years old I feel like a child and not sure of whats normal feelings or from what im told dwelling on the past.

Thank for listening and god bless you all because I have felt very comfortable expressing myself here on this forum.

Kelly

Hi Kelly
Well done girl that was a good post... Let it all out don't bottle it up... On top of all the normal feelings of grief you have family problems and you need to work through them... Can you find some help local to you? It might help to talk to someone not involved face to face.. who could help you sort some of your intense feelings.. We are always here and we are good at listening...
Take Care Love and Hugs
Helen

Kelly,
Your father sounds
very special to have left you
something private and meaningful.
I'm sorry you lost him so young.

Vent away Kelly, I understand!
Deb

Kelly,

I feel so bad that you have to deal with such a horrible woman. Hopefully, you won't have to see her anymore and can get on with your life. As for the anger, a support group might help, but I think it is normal to still be angry. I am still very angry at losing my daughter last October. I also feel guilty that she had to endure so much pain from treatments that didn't work anyway. I feel angry with myself, with the drs., with god....I guess I am angry at just about everyone. I come here to the forum to try to help others, but find myself unable to post very often because I am somewhat angry at those here who have survived. Which of course makes no sense because their survival has nothing to do with my daughter's demise. But it just doesn't seem fair and I can't help feeling a little angry even though I know it is ridiculous to feel that way.

I especially feel guilty because I consider myself an intelligent person, but I didn't have the sense to take Heather to Johns Hopkins or Sloan Kettering in the beginning. I feel guilty because she had so much pain from the spinal tumor and I was the one who questioned the wisdom of having surgery on her spine first instead of having chemo first. She should have had the surgery first and might have if I had kept my mouth shut. I feel guilty and angry with myself because near the end, I found myself wishing for a quick end to Heather's suffering. Until someone actually has to face it, they can never understand the agony of wanting a loved one to die to relieve their suffering, and at the same time, wanting them to live because you can't bear to lose them, even though living just means more agony for them.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ramble. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It is normal to still feel angry. It takes time to heal. The feelings of anger and guilt will diminish. What you will be left with is the knowledge that you are a loving daughter who did everything you could to help your dad.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie

Hi Rosie,
I can't even describe how touched I was by your post. As a mother I can only imagine how you feel. One thing I am extremely grateful for is that my children are healthy. All my fears from having cancer center around my children, how it makes them feel and how they will feel if they lose me when they are still so young. I find myself having unreasonable anger also. I have a girlfriend whose mother in law lives with her, she is 94 and the only medications she takes is a nasal spray each morning. She is very healthy but her mind has gone a bit so she has trouble remembering who everyone is and gets confused. I used to love seeing her but now all I feel is anger over her. Anger that this would happen to me and threaten my life at 42 rather then a woman who has lived a full life and enjoyed raising her children and watching her grandchildren grow. I haven't shared this with my girlfriend as I don't know that she would understand it all. I get angry when we are at school functions and I watch my children with all the other kids and I wonder why it has to be my kids that are the only ones in that room that are at risk of being motherless. What did they do to deserve this in their lives. All those thoughts go through my head, many times each day. I assume it's part of the grieving process, as I can attest to the fact that as a patient we certainly do grieve. I feel so HOMESICK at times, that's the only way I can describe it. I miss my ordinary life, when death just wasn't a part of it at all and I just knew I would be that 80 year old running around like I was only 60! That's how all the women in my family are and I always assumed it's how I would be too. To have to shift my way of thinking midstream at the age of 41 is tough and some days just impossible. I have days where I make myself believe that the doctors were wrong, that I didn't have cancer because I feel so good right now, physically. Then I have days where I am convinced that my 9 year old will lose her mother soon, but, thank God, I have learned how to control these days better. Again, I believe it's all part of the process and that I will be stronger for having dealt with it rather then try to fight it.
I have read all your old posts Rosie. You did what you believed was right and you always had Heather's best interests in mind. I think of Heather many times, I use her experience to make me stop my pity party. When you posted a picture of her and her daughter on here she became a real person to me, someone that I almost felt like I knew. I would certainly want you on my side in any type of fight! So, I won't tell you to stop feeling the way you do, it must be a normal part of the process or you wouldn't feel that way. So much time is wasted denying feelings in our society! I hope Heather's daughter is doing well, let us know how she is.
Take care,
Minnie

Rosie ,
I am also highly impacted by your post. Being angry is very normal and whether we are caregivers or cancer victim it goes with the process.But the guilt has to go YOU WERE NOT ALONE in decision making. Heather was a part of this process and any doctor would have blown your input out the window if they thought it made a difference in saving Heather's life. I think and hope someday you will too that somewhere along the way they were grasping at straws.They knew the gravity of her situation and once you go experimental treatment It's a crap shoot or it wouldn't be experimental.At some point Heather would have told you That's enough whatever way she could.Where was your granddaughters father in all this? If he was out of the picture Sorry I asked. You are on hell of a mother for everything you did for Heather and I'm sure she's looking down at you now and wanting to give you a good swift boot for felling guilty. When you get that way try to feel her love for you. Anger is ok but the guilt has got to go. As far as a different hospital goes I don't think it would have mattered all oncology drs refer to other drs if they need recommendations . Please take care of yourself and every so often pat yourself on the back . You deserve it . You showed Heather more love in the time of her need than most people get in a lifetime.

Diane

Hello Rosie,
Thank you for your posts and more of all for being here and taking the time to listen to someone vent such as myself. As with you, Rosie, I to feel guilty for all the efforts I put forth in helping my father, cause if it hadn't been for me, he would have done nothing because thats what happens when you have no insurance and or money and when a doctor tells you that basically no one would touch him without insurance. Well needless to say I started with a letter to my congressman and even spoke with him on the phone, the i searched hospitals and programs and even did all the applications until finally one day I thought of a local doctor who was a friend of a friend (happened to be my fathers ex girlfriends college friend) and sat in his office until all patients left and begged him to help me and without a second thought he said to me that after everything and everyone i had talked with and just turned away that i needed a break and said to me that he hoped if he was sick like my father that one of his would go to the lengths I did for help without giving up until I got somewhere. Anyhow I feel guilty and angery with myself sometimes when I think how I encouraged my father not to give up when things were bad and told he repeatedly that we knew things would have to hit rock bottom before they got better and truly believed that he would but soon realized that would not be the case after watching someone I would have given anything for look like a total stranger. And so did he keep fighting. I even searched for the best cancer centers and made an appointment for moffit cancer center but no luck. So I ask myself did I do this to him? If I hadn't done anything would he have not suffered so much pain? Would he have atleast died with his pride and happy(with a beer and cig). All i feel I accomplished was him wasting away to nothing for no reason at all. He would brag to friends about how had it not been for me basically taking control of his life he wouldn't been alive to walk me down the aisle. Well guess what he didn't make it for that either and now i feel that my most special day will be the saddest for me. My father like to talk in riddles and make you think, thats why before he died he told only my fiance that he knew he wouldn't be here when we married but buried something for me and he was to get on our wedding day. Well my fiance told me this after my father died and i couldn't wait til i got married so 2 months ago my fiance went on a treasure hunt and found my letter and alittle money he saved for me. You probably think why did he bury it? Well he liked games and he knew he couldn't trust his wife, I tell his friends and they are just amazed how just like him it was to bury something. We were shocked that when it was dug up that it wasn't in a beer can with a treasure map leading us somewhere else (HA HA) But that wounldn't have surprised me.
My father was a swordfisherman and if anyone ever saw the perfect strom, George Clooney in that film looks almost identical to my father before he was sick and even owned the same hat George wore in the film how weird huh?
As for a support group I don't think it would help what does help is when I get a phone call from the ENT asking me to share my knowledge and research with his new patients and when they call it makes me feel good when I can give them a heads up on what to expect and what to prepare for such as finding the right lip ointment (god i must have spent a fortune until finding the right one) or little things like knowing what medicines medicaid will pay for or how to have the perscription written in order for it to be covered. (Zyban is not covered but if the doctor writes Zyban but substitute Wellbutrin if needed it will be covered) Boy I shocked the doctor when I told him how to write it, but you see he already knew and thats what aggrivated me because if you didn't know exactly what to ask or the right way to ask they don't tell you.
I'm sorry I am just rampling on and on. I do thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to listen to my sob story.

Goodnight,
Kelly

Hi guys,

Thanks for asking about Heather's daughter Cati. She is actually doing quite well. The psychiatrist that she is seeing for grief counseling says she is doing fine. She doesn't see anything in Cati's behavior to be worried about. She has adjusted well enough that she will probably only have a few more sessions. It seems that children have a wonderful resiliency. They usually handle tragedy better than we adults.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie