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I am sure you all have experienced a new post similar to this one. I hope I do not bore you but I HAVE to talk to people that understand what I am going through.

My Daddy, who I love more than my life, was disgosed with Oral Cancer yesterday. My mother died from Breast Cancer in 2005 so I believe he is in a pretty advanced stage.

We go to the Cancer Specialist on Monday (for Radiology), another Specialist on Wednesday (for medical oncology) and I do not know from there. I am breaking right now and my heart is in a million pieces.

I am trying to be strong for my Dad. He needs that right now. So, in his face, I will not cry and "play" as if everything will be fine...we just are going to fight this.

Seriously, alone...I cannot stop crying and feel as if no one truly understands. See, my Daddy and I are close. Closer than my mother and I was. My whole life has been about pleasing him. I got my Bachelor's degree to make him happy. I live my life for he can be proud of me. I never left Michigan because I did not want to leave him, ever!

What do I do if I lose him....No one should have to lose both parents to cancer in two years!!! I am going to be a parentless adult child at 37. This is not fair!!!

My kids are teenagers. My son graduates from high school next year and my daughter in 2009. I want my Daddy to be there, period. I don't know what to do or how to cope.

I want to take him to that Cancer Treatment Center because he MUST get the best treatment. Does anyone know if they are the best? He is currently at the University of Michigan for treatment and I believe they are good but he has to survive. I seeking survival as the only option for him.

Really, I need help too. I cannot see my life carrying on without him in it. I know people say, "Your kids needs you", "Your husband needs you", "You have to go on". To that, I say WHATEVER!! I want God to take me before ever taking my Daddy!! Give him whatever needed from me...for him to live! He cannot die!

What do I do? I cannot type this without crying. This is so unfair and I hate this! How unlucky can I be for two parents to possibly die of this terrible disease?

All comments will be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Monica

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Monica,
welcome to the forum. We exist exactly for people like you and no, you are not boring us.

There are many late staged survivors here, like myself, so do not give up hope. What your dad needs now is someone to go with with him to doctors appointments and take good notes. Many decisions will come flying at you very quickly.

Your best shot is at an NCCN or NCI comprehensive cancer center. CTCA has a very high profile on Quackwatch and I would beware, in spite of their glitzy late night advertising.

Here is a list of resources to get you started:
http://www.oralcancerfoundation.org/resources/index.htm#centers

UoM IS a comprehensive cancer center (CCC) and you can't do any better in your area.

Talk to your doctor about some medications to help you through this. I took anti-anxiety meds all throughout and it helped a lot to remove the emotional aspect and stay focused on the treatment decision part.

One thing is for certain though "life is not fair" in spite of all of the lies about it we heard in our youth.

Take a deep breath - we are here for you.


Gary Allsebrook
***********************************
Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2
Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy)
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Monica,

Are you assuming your Dad's cancer is advanced because your mom passed away with breast cancer?

There is absolutly no correlation between the two. That's one of the many questions you can ask the Rad Oncologist (RO) and the Medical Oncologist (MO) next week.

Like Gary said above, there are many of us that had Stage IV cancers that are still on this side of the grass so calm down and get all the facts from the cancer docs.

After you meet with the RO post again and let us know what was said. Take a list of questions and take notes on their answers and if necessary tell the docs to SLOW down.

Really, calm down and get the facts fron the experts. You are not doing anyone, inluding yourself, any good by being upset.


David

Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
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Monica, I can actually say I understand what you are saying. He must live to be with you, he must. I am sure our daughter thought the same when she found out her DADDY had throat cancer. She is truly a Daddy's girl and adores him. He was given a 50/50 change of being cured. He is now post treatment and the doctors can't believe the progress he has made. It is remarkable. Suggestion would be to get to the doctor and get something to calm your nerves so you can think straight and think positive. Ask questions, get answers and make sound decisions. Tell your DAD you are there for him. This forum will help you and pull you through this terrible experience. Hang in there. Keep us posted. Carol Ann.


Carol CG to Husband age 60 Stage IV SCC right tonsil T4AN2B tx rad x 35 chemo x 2 Currently after treatment no sign of cancer in throat. (all clear to date)
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Monica

for me and alot of others I think the unknown somtimes is the scariest part. Until we have answers from the drs we dont know what we are dealing with . HEll ya it is a scary diagnosis !!! ANy one of us will tell you that , but many of us have and are still comiing through it ! I am a mom of 5 all under 14 . And I am sure they want me to go no where ..nor do I want to. So like everyone said ..talk to the drs ask the questions then make the decisons and you can ask and vent here all you need ..this truley will be one of your best sources of support !! Please know while this is overwheleming and scary ... A positive attitude does help. No matter how old we are we will always need our parents...but in turn ...OUR children will need us ! I hope that you will get some of your questions answered on MOn ..We will be hear waiting !

Shar


Sharlee
35 year old Female Non smoker, very occasional alcohol ..Scc T1N0M0,partial glossectomy and left neck disection ,2/9/07 No rad deemed ness. 4/16 tonsillectomy ..Trimengenial Neuralga due to surgery
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I agree with Carol that you should talk to your doctor about getting something to help you cope with this. My husband is a stage IV and doing very well 17 months post diagnosis. Don't let the statistics scare you, people are not statistics.

I was a Daddy's girl so I understand where you are coming from. When my father fell down a flight of stairs and became a ventilator dependent quadrapligic I didn't think I could cope with the horror of it. Well he lived for 5 1/2 years before he died. Guess what we all adapted to the altered state.

Because your Mom died doesn't mean your father will. So much depends on how he responds to treatment. Don't get ahead of the information that you have at any given point in time. Let us know how he is doing.

Regards JoAnne


JoAnne - Caregiver to husband, cancer rt. tonsil, mets to soft palate, BOT, 7 lymph nodes - T3N2BM0, stage 4. Robotic assisted surgery, radical neck dissection 2/06; 30 IMTX treatments and 4 cycles of cisplatin completed June 06.
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im am so scared at times im losing mymind it is the waiting
vocal cord cancer had pet and ct scared


Lolita - Stage 1, no node involvement, no distant mets. 6 weeks of radiation plus 6 chemo treatments, one each week.
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Monica,

We found out from our ENT late on a Friday evening that my husband had squamous cell cancer at the base of his tongue and that it was also in his lymph nodes. Similar to you, we were unable to consult with a cancer specialist until the following Monday. That weekend was the longest one of our lives as we tried to digest and understand the surprising diagnosis.

I imagine this is even harder for you as you just recently lost your mom. However, please don't give up on your dad. My husband has Stage 4 cancer and the doctors feel confident that he will beat it.

You have the ball rolling and you have your oncology appointments set up. That's a good thing.

This forum is incredible. There are many wonderful and smart people here to support you and your dad throughout the diagnostic and treatment path.

Kindest regards,

Margaret


Margaret
----------
C/G: Husband, 48 (at time of dx)
Dx 5/18/07 SCC, BOT, lymph node involvement. T1N2BM0. (Stage 4a, G2/3)
Tx 6/18 - 8/3/07, IMRT x 33 Cisplatin x3 (stopped after 1st dose due to hearing issues). Weekly Erbitux started 6/27/07 completed 8/6/07.
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Thank everyone for your input and warm words. I know I am panicking but I just love my Dad with all of my heart. I am more than ready to go to both of the appointments on Monday and Wednesday. It will be nice to here what exactly is the game plan for my Daddy.

Yes, I am such a Daddy's Girl. That is why I CANNOT vision a life without him in it. In the same aspect I must try and STAY CLAIM. It is just hard after last Wednesday night. When you go from "so-called" normal life to life with another parent with cancer...it shakes a person self-confidence.

It scared the crap out of me...my stepmother calling me to say my Daddy was bleeding from his mouth...drive to the E.R....it's worse...wait two hours to be called to the back...at had to yell at a nurse to move him to the back....finally get in the back, his syptoms went from bad to worse. I actually thought I would lose my Daddy that day.

Then to hear the ENT doc talk to the ER doc and say that famous word..."Scamorma" (excuse spelling).."biopsy"...it was like living life fast-backwards to September 2004, when my Mother was told she had Breast Cancer. I lost her on February 9, 2005

I ran out of the E.R....broke down and cried! I have been crying on and off since. I hope that there can be a support group of some sort for me because I darn sure need one. Until then, I will try and stay strong...on the outside..for my Daddy.

I will post again after his appointment on Monday. Thanks for listening, again.

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Monica,

I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I know exactly what you are going through right now.

I'm 41 and back in March, 4 days before my fathers 75th birthday he was diagnosed with squamos cell carcinoma of the mouth.

From March 21 until May 23 (the day of his surgery) I cried every day. This diagnoses was a devistating blow to our family and totally unexpected as my father never drank, smoked or chewed tobacco. He too is my rock. I live to please him and make him proud. He has given everything to me to give me a better life and I can't imagine life without him.

On the 23rd of May he had an upper maxillectomy and neck dissection. The cancer was found in two lymph nodes. They do feel like they got all the cancer but he still will have to undergo 5 weeks of radiation 5x a week. On top of all this during the surgery he suffered a heart attack and has now been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. We now have cardiology appointments in addition to all the appointments with the radiation doctor, the cancer doctor and the dentist who makes the obturator.

Going into the surgery we had been told that he may never be able to speak again due to damage to the vocal cords. I am happy to report that the vocal cords were not damaged and I still can hear my fathers voice. His speech is different now because of the surgery - he sounds very nasaly and no longer has upper teeth, and the obturator interferres with the movement of his tounge - but he is able to communicate.

The waiting is awful but you have to stay strong in front of him. He will be able to be stronger if he knows that you are strong. This is the time for you to use what he has taught you and show him what you are really made of. Fall apart when you get home. If you find yourself at home alone, scream, cuss, cry, laugh, or kick something. Let it out. It will help you feel better and by letting it out it will help you later should you need to keep it together.

This is just what worked for me. I'm a very emotional person when it comes to Dad. I'd take his place in this if I could, but I can't and it is what it is and I can't change it. Even though we are now faced with RT and the heart problems it has gotten better. Dad was in so much pain from the cancer prior to surgery that he could not have gone on much longer. Hang in there and keep us posted.

Joy


CG to Father, 75 yo with SCC of the mouth; upper maxillectomy and neck diss. performed on 5/23/07. Father also suffered heart attack during surgery and now has CHF. RT complete on 8/28/07. Cancer back 11/27/07. RT and Chemo to start on 12/17. Cancer back 6/17/08. Finally at rest 08/08/08.

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