Wayne,

Thank you for your message a few posts above. I am not gonna lie, it made me cry. But they were happy tears, sort of. What you had to say really made me think about what is really important.

Even though I am only getting started in this battle, I am also feeling like cancer has given me a gift. In the "waiting week" where I didn't know the extent of my cancer, I really took a "look see" at my life. Remeber, at the time, I thought it very possible that I might be dying. I am pleased with some of the changes in me.

You see, I don't really ever sit down. Well, I do, but it usually comes with another task: fold laundry, balance the check book, pay a bill. Nohing fun really. I work second shift, Brad works days. We don't usually see each other during the week. But I am always in fast forward. I have three little kids. There is always something to be "done" around here. Cooking, cleaning, etc. So after my DX, I started taking note of what goes on around here. The truth is, I put my kids off. I give them the "I am cleaning" reponse all of the time. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids very much. They are well taken care of. But when they ask me to do something, I often tell them "NO". I have housework, or errands, or work.

So the very day that I found out I had cancer, I had an "ah-ha" moment. At 1:45, I found out that I have cancer. I came home. I cried. I tried to rest. I went out and bought expensive steaks for dinner. The origanl meal was tater tot hotdish, but that just didn't really seem fitting for the occasion. Just as we have a nice meal to celebrate good news, we decided that a nice meal was in order for the sucky of news too. So we ate. During dinner, Samantha (my 5 year old) asked if we could drive around and look at X-mas lights. I said "yes, we can go right now". She was surprised. I could tell by the look on her face. She wanted to know if we had to wait until I cleaned up the dinner mess. "NO". Do you have to do any laundry first? Again "no". We drove around and looked at lights. We realized that the more modest the neighborhood, the better the display. We got lost. We came home and had hot cocoa and candy canes. It maybe the most fun I have had in a long time. But if I didn't have cancer, I don't know that it would have happened that way. First of all, since I work at night, we don't get to eat a meal together very often. And when I am here, lots of stuff seems to take precident over what is really important. I actually have cancer to thank for realizing something very important. I used to think that there would always be time later to look at the X-mas lights. Now I see that there is no time like the present.

I have a really facinating life story. I don't see it the same as others, but even I'll admit that my life so far has been an interesting one. I have had many people tell me that "they" should do a documentary on me. The life I have lead so far is unusual, to say the least. It makes up who I am. It fuels the "I am scared because I have cancer" thing. Maybe when it isn't 2:48AM on Christmas morning I will share it. Heck, I don't know if anyone is even interested. I haven't been on here long enough to know if people share more than cancer stuff. We'll see.

But for now, I just want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. I am enjoying mine. I just got through playing Santa, which can be quite tricky if you are'nt careful. At least I dodged that bullet tonight. No kids came down and caugh me in the act. Yeah Me!

And Wayne, I talked about you at Christmas Eve dinner tonight. I couldn't remember your wonderful post word for word. But it didn't matter. I just told them all how you are one smart guy. Smart and caring, that's what i told them. Thank you for helping me to see the light.

Good night

Amy

Amy,

Congrats on playing Santa and not getting caught!

I'd love to hear your story when you have time to post it.

Merry Christmas.

Loretta

Amy,
Your experiences and Wayne's mirror many insights and emotions that those of here have shared. I have heard from several people, as strange as it may seem that "cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me." Certainly it is not the best thing that happens to all cancer victims as we can attest to here from the losses and suffering of dear friends.
But, having said that, I , like Wayne and you Amy, had my life and perspective changed in positive ways from cancer. I found out how many people loved and cared about me. I found out what was important in my own life, and although I am far from a "smell every flower" Pollyanna, I certainly do appreciate whatever time I have left on this earth and I am thankful that I am still here and living such a good life, and able to share it with my wife, children, 88 year old mother, siblings and friends.

I wish the best to all of you.

Danny G.

Amy, you made my Christmas. We just got back home from spending Christmas Eve with my wife's family ( on a farm 4 hours from our home).

Being a farm, internet is not on the grid to any degree yet, and I admit to spending a good bit of time last night wondering how you were making out. I'm so pleased that I was able to help in some small way.

I hope that your day was FILLED with the magic that is Christmas. You certainly filled my day with it

Merry Christmas one and all!
Wayne

Wayne,

I can honestly say that I had a great Christmas. I didn't dwell on cancer too much at all, though I tried to use it as an excuse when my sister wanted to smack me because I was poking fun at her. "Certainly you wouldn't hit a girl with cancer would you?" We laughed about this. Of course she wouldn't hit me. And just between us, cancer or no, I could take her! The only thing missing from today was snow. Can you imagine? Minnesota and no snow for Santa. It's pretty rare. We need the blanket of white to cover up the brown grass. My living room looks like ToysRus vomited in here; if we had a fire, the place would melt with all of the plastic. I can honestly say that our decor is now "early Fisher Price"! But it's okay. Kids are only little for such a short time, I can live with the mess for now.

And this might be one for the record books. I think that it is entirely possible that I am the only cancer patien ever to gain 8 pounds in the month following thier diagnosis. I am not even kidding. If it is food, it's for me. I have not held back one tiny bit this holiday season. If I felt like having seconds (or thirds) I did it. I have struggle for years with my weight and have recently lost a ton of it. Eighty pounds to be exact. I have about 30 more to go. Well, now I guess it's 38 more to go. I decided that this was the year to quit worrying about my calories during the Holidays. I am calling it the "Amy's first annual holiday food fest". I am going to quit worrying about gaining ten pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years. I kind of hope to gain ten pounds every year. It'll give me something to do in January. Don't worry, I'll do good the rest of the year. Or, most of it anyway.

So to sum it up: Cancer is the best shitty thing to have ever happened to me.

And just in case you are wondering, I am going back to eating like normal tomorrow. I'll probably splurge on New Years Eve, but I gotta get back to normal. Gotta have all of the fruits and vegetables and other good stuff that I can handle. I want to have my strength for the surgery.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

Amy

Okay, this is going to be a long one. If you don't feel like reading it, that's okay. It's not about cancer so much as it is about who I am. I really would not expect strangers to be interested. But I realized that you guys aren't really strangers at all. From the first day on this site, I have felt really embraced by everyone. I guess that somehow, we are all related in this disfuctional family that is called cancer.

Here goes:

I was born to a Mother that was 16 years old. With the help of her parents, she realized that she was too young to care for a child. Then I was adopted into a wonderful family. The people who adopted me are my parents. I will always refer to them as my parents, because they are. Their names were Pete and Elaine. They were both 45 when they adopted me. They had 5 biological children, all boys. They wanted a girl, but were afraid of trying again. They figured they'd probably end up with another boy. Not that there is anything wrong with boys, but they needed some pink in thier lives. So they adopted a girl, who is my sister. We are not related by blood. A few years later, they decided that she really shouldn't be the only girl in this sea of testosterone, so they went to adopt another girl. That's where I came in. My childhood was a good one, but there were some serious hiccups along the way. When I was eight, my Mom died of lung cancer. She was sick a while before she died. I was pretty little and remember little of those days. One memory stands out. I was at a friend's Birthday party and my Mom came to pick me up. She was very ill at the time. She had a massive bloody nose and was holding a purple wash cloth to contain the bleeding. I was mortified. I was so embarrassed. I was 7. I didn't realize that the woman would be dead in a mater of months. Though I said nothing, I still feel just horrible about that. She didn't want to be that way. She didn't want to embarrass me. Heck, she was probably embarrassed enough for the both of us. I remember very vididly the conversation where my Dad told us she had died. He was so very distraught. This was his High School Sweetheart. He'd lost her. He was left with seven kids to finish raising, all alone. My Brothers were all older at the time. My youngest Brother, Chirs was 17. My oldest Brother was almost 30. But my Father was now soley responsible for my Sister, who was 12 and me, who was 8. After my Mom died, my Dad never slept in a bed again. He would sleep on a couch, he would sleep on the floor. Never, ever did he sleep in a bed again. He remarried quickly. Barely one year later he married a woman named Ruth. She was not prepared to come into to a ready made family such as ours. She was widowed by a husband who died at the home of his mistress. Ouch! She had no children of her own. She didn't have a clue about Mothering young girls. I am sure that my Dad remarried so quickly because he felf that he needed to have someone to Mother my sister and I. Ruth was an alcoholic. She was functional, but she was an alcoholic. She went to work and then came home and drank. My Dad was blind to this for a while. You see, he worked a job where he didn't get home until nearly 10:00 each night. She was in bed by then, sleeping it off. He did get wise to the situation later on, but by then he felt that he couldn't go. I do believe that he loved this woman, but it was never the same as the love that he had for my Mother. Though there were many challenges along the way, I loved Ruth too. When I was a mere seventeen years old, they retired. They moved to Wisconsin; to a city about 3 hours away. They put me up in an apartment. I was going to be eighteen in six weeks. Once shool was out, I could make my way on my own or I could move with them to Wisconsin. But I was 17. I didn't realize that it would be stupid to toss away all of those years of schooling just to have a bit of fun now that I had no grown up to make sure I actually got to school. I blew it. I didn't do anything fun. I stayed up late, doing God knows what. I slept late, missing all of my classes. I didn't graduate. I didn't really care all that much. My Dad was disappointed, but jeez. I know that I did the wrong thing, but he was the grown up. He shouldn't have left me here alone. I did eventually get a high school diploma, but not until just a few years ago. Please don't get me wrong, my Dad was an AWESOME guy. . He and I were very, very close. I truly believe that he did what he thought was best. You see, Ruth had lots of money. He didn't. He really thought that he must do what she said because she was his future. As a parent myselft, I can't imagine doing these things. I loved this man very much and I am really sure that he meant no harm. So off they went. They moved away. I needed a job or I needed to move to Minong, Wisconsin. I didn't want to move. I found a job. In 1994, Ruth died from liver failure. A direct result of her years of drinking. And then in 1995, my Dad died from a heart attack. He was all alone in his house in the woods. He called for an ambulance and then ran around the house pulling out all of his important stuff: titles and keys for cars, wedding rings, safety deposit box keys. And then he sat down in his recliner and died. I still get teary eyed just thinking about him being there all alone.

When I was eighteen and a half, I met Brad. Right from the start, I knew that he was "the one". He made me feel safe. We got married 2.5 years after we met. It was my 21st Birthday that we got married. He is 5 1/2 years older than I. We spent a year or so just having fun. Then we decided that maybe a baby would be in order. Turns out, that wasn't meant to be...at least not yet. We tried for many years to have a baby and nothing ever happened. I probably would have headed in for fertility treatments, but Brad was opposed to that. He was of the school where it would happen if it was God's will. I am sure that I could have talked him into it if I had tried harder, but it didn't come to that. In October of 2000, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a real shock. We were so thrilled. I had some complications, but in June of 2001, Samantha was born. We had just celebrated our 11th Wedding Anniversary. We figured that this was a fluke. All of those years and nothing. We truly thought that this would be our one and only child. But again, we were wrong. When Samantha was only 9 months old, I found myself pregnant again. In December 2002, Kelsey was born. Our family was complete, that's what we thought. By this time, you would think that we'd have figured out where babies come from. But when Kelsey was 8 months old, I found myself again pregnant. Bradley was born on Mother's Day, 2004. I gave birth to 3 children in less than three years. Wow. What a change of lifestyle for us. We thought we'd never have kids. I had a very good job at Blue Cross Blue Shield when my first was born. I fully intended to go back to work. But when my maternity was over, I wasn't willing to be away from my baby. We were not financially prepared to have me stay home, but we worked it out. I returned to work about 18 months ago at another company and now work 2nd shift to minimize the child care situation.

After Kelsey was born, I had really started having thoughts about my Birth Mom. Though my parents always encouraged me to search out my bio family, I never really felt the urge. Until I had kids of my own. Once I held my babies in my arms, I realized that they were the only people in the whole wide world that I was related to by blood, or the only ones I knew anyway. Though I was interested in meeting my Birth Mom if she would go for it, I really would have been happy just to find out some health history information. I started the search in the Fall of 2003. She was located in the summer of 2004. There is no way I could have imagine that this would turn out they way it has. This woman has embraced me and my family right from the first meeting. She lives in Alabama but has traveled to see us several times. I have been to see her twice, once alone, and once with my girls. She is different from us, to say the least. We live the average lifestyle and sometimes struggle financially. Our house isn't spotless every minute of everyday. We work for other people. She is financially well off, owning her own business. She lives in a beautiful home, one that is always spic and span. She has been married and divorced three times and never had any other children. She admits to feeling a bit sad that she wouldn't ever have any Grandchildren. Now she has 3 of them. My finding her has changed both of us for the better. Before I searched for her, I worried about what I'd find. Was she in prision? Would she have job? Would she hit me up for money? Then it turned out that she was financially, WAY better off than us. I certainly wasn't after money, we have our own and get by just fine. But I can see where that might have scared someone in her position off. But it didn't, she is forever going to be a part of our lives. I know that my Brother Chris feels threatened by my relationship with her. He feels like I am disrespecting my parent's. But I don't feel that I am. I have not forgotten about them, nor will I. My Birth Mom has an important place in my life, but she isn't replacing anyone.

And now I have Cancer. It worries me a lot, even though I have been told that my outcome should be a good one. You just never know for sure, it's cancer after all. Cancer isn't something to take lightly. I know it is nonsense, but I can't shake the feeling that I have let so many people down. I waited so long to have my kids. The thought that I might leave them breaks my heart. I waited 35 years to find my Birth Mom. I know that it would about kill her if something happened to me. And Brad. I know he'd get by, he'd have to. I could never forgive myself if I left him to raise these kids alone. My Mom died when I was eight and I barely remember her. My kids are five, four and two. If I died, they'd surely never remember me.

As you can see here, all of my life experiences have brought me to the feelings that I have now. I guess that it is sort of interesting to see just how what you have been through affects so much in your life. The one thing I'd like to take away from my journey with cancer is this: I want to know that I am a better person than I was before. I want to know that I never take anything for granted again. If I want to do something, I am going to do it. And I want to never miss an opportunity to tell the people I love, just how much they mean to me. I guess that's more than one thing,isn't it?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it was long.

Amy

Amy, just reading what you've written tells me that Cancer has already changed you for the better. I'm pretty sure it will continue to, but I'll offer up a little advice to you while you start your journey through the treatment process. Remember...cancer does NOT define who you are.

Don't ever say, in public or in private that this demon MAY beat you. Don't let it, period. It can and will do a lot of things to you physically, and treating it will not be pleasant but there are a lot of things cancer can't do

It can't cripple love. It can't shatter hope. It can't corrode faith. It can't destroy peace. It can't kill friendships, and it can't suppress memories. It can't silence courage, and it cannot invade the soul.

It can't conquer your spirit if you refuse to let it. You talk about feeling guilty...stop it. You did not wake up one morning and decide to have cancer; you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It's already given you the gift of insight. There are other gifts that it has to offer if you're prepared to take them, but like anything of value, it won't come easily. The treatment is harsh, but there will be good days, and lots of time to reflect. Keep doing spontaneous things...looking at Christmas lights through the eyes of a child is an amazing experience. So are a lot of other things.

It doesn't define you, but you can use it to your advantage in defining who you really want to become.
Wayne

Wayne,

Again, thanks for the good advice. The part that I am still having a hard time with is the "don't ever say that it may beat you" part. My head knows that in my stage, it's really doesn't have much of a chance of beating me anyway. But when I am lying in bed at night, my mind goes about a thousand miles a minute. One of the thoughts always comes up "what if they were wrong, what if I am one of the 10% that gets false negative results from the PET scan, what if it has already spread?" After reading your message, I vow to try to stop this. It isn't healthy, and I know that.

In fact, I recently lost a dear friend to lung cancer. He was 55 years old. By the time his cancer was discovered, he was terminal. He had some treatment, but only to lengthen his life by a few months. There was never any doubt, he would not be cured. I visited him exactly one week before he died. He spent the final weeks of his life in a wonderful hospice home. On my last visit with him, just days before he passed away, he was still making plans for the future. He told me of the trip to the cabin that he planned for the following summer. He told me that for his 60th Birthday, 5years away, he was going fishing in Canada. At the time, I felt really sorry for him. I was thinking that his mind wasn't right, and it probably wasn't. But he was with it enough to know that his days were few. He he chose to dream and hope and plan. I think that's a pretty good example to follow too. If a guy that has just days left of his journey can dream about what he'll be doing in five years, so can any of us. RIP Bob, I miss the heck out of you!

Good night!

Amy

It's tough to do, Amy. There is no question about that at all, but you can't for even a second doubt that you are going to beat this. You are. Bob beat his cancer too, don't you see? He refused to let it defeat his spirit, and he refused to let the cancer define who he was.

The outcome for him was not the one he would have chosen without a doubt, but he did not let it defeat the person that he was.

You can play the "what if?" game forever, and it won't change one single thing. You already have the news we all dreaded getting; you have cancer.
"What if?" won't change that.

I'm not suggesting you deny the reality of the situation; cancer kills, and does so very effectively. What it doesn't do is kill everyone it strikes. Far, FAR from it.

You'll be amazed as you move through the treatment process how many people you will meet who are cancer survivors. YOou have already met a lot of oral cancer survivors here.

Could you get a false scan? Of course. You could also get hit by a bus crossing the street tomorrow. The odds of both are pretty slim, so don't sweat it O.K.?

If sleeping is a problem, talk to your Doctor. There is NO reason to be losing sleep over it.
Wayne

Wayne,

Because you are a cancer survivor, you know a lot of what us "new" people are going through. You know certain feelings first hand. But just because you have survived cancer, that doesn't make you an expert.

What makes you an expert is this: you are a good person. You have real feelings for people, whether you have met them or not. You care about others, just as you have been blessed to have others care about you. And I truly doubt that cancer is the only reason that you are such a wonderful supporter. I know that even before your cancer, you were an amazing person. And I am really starting to believe that at least one of the reasons you were put on this Earth is to do what you are doing on this site. For your helpful insight is probably one of the best gifts that you have to share. I know that your family is blessed to have you here, alive for a long, long time. That is probably the most important thing to you, and it should be. But if there was another reason that you are here, I'd say it's to help people like me. Help us feel like we aren't crazy for having the feelings that we have. Though I am quite certain that you'll never admit it, you are a real breath of fresh air, a real gift to all.

I am sure you will think I am a bit crazy, but one wish I have when my treatment is done is to meet you face to face and give you a giant hug. I am not kidding here. I would really like to meet the man that is you. I am sure you think this is odd, but don't. Your words have really helped me and for that I am so thankful.

Give your wife and kids a big hug from me. Thank them for sharing you with the rest of us.

Amy