Hello,
I am new to the site. I was wondering is it normal for my mom to get mean sometimes? She made me cry the other day. What can I do to make things easier for her. She has stage 4 scc.
Jennifer

Hi Jennifer,
I am sorry you're Mom is being mean sometimes. I experienced the same thing with my husband Mike. I cried quite a few times. It really hurts when you are trying so hard to take care of them.
One day I cried to my Mom about how hurt I was when this happened and why would he do this to me? She explained to me that it was because "he knows you will come back." " He has to be nice to friends and neighbors and nearly everyone else in the world. If he was mean to others they might not come back." She went on to say that when someone is so sick and feels they have so little control over what will happen to them that they will lash out at the ones they love the most. Because they know you will be back. They are mad at the situation and frustrated with no way to express their anger. You get to be the target that allows them to vent their anger.
What she said helped me a lot.
Usually, when the tears would start to well up, I would leave the room, go outside or in the bathroom, somewhere where he would not see me cry. At one point though I felt that it was nesessary for him to see what his words where doing to me. I didn't run, I let him see me sob. He was truly surprised to learn how affected I was, and was not fully aware of his actions. He cried then too and was sorry and he loved me.... after talking a while we realized that WE BOTH needed the opportunity to express our emotions over this ordeal. We needed to acknowledge our grief, anger, sadness, lonliness, despair, and everything else. In whatever form we could to let it out.
After that turning point, and armed with my Mom's words of wisdom, whenever I got hit with meanness again it got easier to deal with and started to bounce right off of me.
Hang in there with your Mom, Jennifer, you and her will find your way together.

Jennifer, I suspect every caregiver, especially those who are close family, will admit to having been in the same circumstance. Mike's wife explained it very well. I know that pain, drugs, fear and losing control of your life can push an ill person to the limit of emotional control. As a caregiver, you have to be very strong and emotionally centered to deal with this- it's not easy, but it is doable. What can you do to help her? Learn to listen quickly to what is happening at a particular time- ie- is she in pain? Is she experiencing a new side effect? Did something go really wrong with her day? You might try to get her to talk about how she is feeling [altho that might be very emotional for you] I know this is hard on you because Moms are supposed to comfort their kids- not the other way around. You are gonna need to be very grown up while she deals with this. Amy

Hi Jennifer,

Amy and Mike's wife have said the best. I can only relate my own experience...

My mother was mean to me, when I was going through treatment, a sort of a reverse story.

I was angry at her for the insensitivity I felt was coming from her in regard to my situation. But I also understood her strong emotions...the anger towards this disease, the thought of losing a child, and also she had lost her mother to cancer.

I also lashed out, being unsure of my future. (I hated being nasty, but sometimes it just popped out). Now my mother has cancer, and we have become closer in a special, different way, both being patients.

My elder sister has been wonderful in helping us both with chores and medical visits, but she also lashes out at times to us both (quite understandable, her closest family ill - Mum and I call her Mrs Hitler!), and all of these strong emotions can be very volatile, besides the tears...

Sometimes it's hard to deal with these volatile emotions, but they do make you stronger and much closer. Talking helps heaps, and hugs, and tolerance.

Tizz

Hi Jennifer,

Yes it's normal. People go through stages of grief when they are experiencing health crisis and taking it out on the people we are closest too is a coping mechanism. As Amy says we've all been there. Be patient with her, tell her that you love her and will stand by her no matter what. It's an emotional roller coaster. You can also expect denial, fear/anxiety and depression. Hopefully as we get to experience our emotions we can move into acceptance. The important message to your Mom is that her family will not abandon her and that you will all face whatever is ahead together.

Make sure that you have opportunities to vent your own feelings and yes it's okay to let her know that you are also hurting and having difficulty with the situation. Communication is hard, but stuffing our feelings only makes it worse. Remember the good things and bring them up to your Mom.

Regards JoAnne