Good morning,

I've never joined a forum before and I do feel rather silly, seeking help from total strangers, but here goes....

My father-inlaw was recently diagnosed with SCC, stage 4, at the base of the tongue. I can handle and deal with this as far as he is concerned, my issues are with helping my husband, his son, and our children deal with what lies ahead of us all.

I don't know how to do this....I don't know how to be there for my husband on one level, dealing with the truth, and keepings things light and happy for the children at the same time. I'm having a hard time knowing when to laugh and when to cry, when I should be strong and when I can feel my own pain.

I thought some of you might be able to recommend a few books to help guide me through this process. I don't know where to start, or how.

The Daughter-inlaw

Dear DIL
As you can see my husband had the same diagnoses. He is coming up to his 3 year anniversary, so , this is not a death sentence and I hope you do not see it as such.
You, if you are going to be the principal caregiver for your FIL are going to have a rough road ahead of you but, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel .
" Honest!" Try not to panic.

Welcome to the board, if you have searched around you know what a resource of information is available here. I am an avid reader but found more substance right here than in any book I ever read.
Newcomers here are always given the same advice and for good reason,. Comprehensive Cancer Centers are best at treating this disease, even if you have to travel to get to one.

After that my advice would be, to always have someone go with him to the Doctors and have them take notes.
Get him to bulk up as much as possible, he is going to need every last ounce.
I am a great believer in PEG tubes for when he cannot eat, not all our members are.
You will have lots of questions as you go along, we are here to help you answer them if we can.

Take Care
Marica

Daughterinlaw,

There is no reason to feel silly. We all need a helping hand from time to time.

The best advice I can give you at this point is just to be there. Stay involved with your father inlaw. Accompany him to his doctors appointments. Ask questions, listen, write notes, be an advocate. Learn about his treatment options. Please feel free to ask any question that comes to mind. There are some fabulous people on this site who are more than capable and readily available to answer any questions you may have.

You did not mention in your post whether your father in law lives with you, or close to you. Will you have help in dealing with his care after treatments? Just a few things that came to mind that will make a huge difference in how you and your husband and children deal with this.

Believe me when I tell you that this is not a death sentence. I will not sugar coat it either, it will be a tough fight. It will test you every step of the way. But there are many of us who have walked in his shoes, so let him know that it can be done.

Good luck with everything.

John

Hi, DIL- please tell us more about your situation and what role your immediate family will be playing during his treatment. I can share with you that my husband's son[my stepson- age 36] has pretty much tried to ignore the possibility that John might die from this cancer, thus making communication harder for us over this past year.So how and what you communicate to whom is liable to be tricky. We also have a 14 yr. old grandson who has pretty much lived with us since he was 6. This has been really tough on him, and I have tried to be as honest as possible without being grim. If your Father in law elects radiation and chemo, the kids will see the effects of that and will understand how sick he is. How old are your kids? Keep talking to us. We will be here for you. Amy

Throw the books away.... All they will do is add to the anxiety.
Come here with your questions...
Prayer, doesn't hurt either.
Darrell

Hi DIL,

our story is a bit different to yours as it is my husband who has a cancer BOT, a radical neck dissection in Jan 06 and he is at his second week out of 7 of radiation but we have young children so perhaps my experience will help you find answers to your questions.

As far as your children are concerned, it may be wise to approach your FIL's disgnosis/pronostic according to their age. Our children are 12, 10 and 6. We have discussed the matter with them differently. To the 6 y.o. we've basically told him that dad had a lump in his neck and we needed to take it out, consequently he would have a zipper neck (to which he thought it was cool!!) and now with the radiation it would be like Star Wars with a funny light saber!! and Dad needs heaps of love and rest because the light sabor is quite hot and burns the skin and it is why it works!!

To our 10 and 12 y.o. we spoke about the disease in a way that they could ask questions and then from there we have answered them as honestly and simply as we could. The biggest being "will dad die?" We both said "we hope not", "dad should be ok" and if the cancer comes back we still have time to act and make him better. We thought that if the eventuality should happened, they will be older and also we will have time to prepare them. The present is so important for them that it would have add anxiety. We also spoke to their 3 children's teachers so they can "explained" and if they notice some new behaviour, reactions and keep us posted if something should happen.

Again depending on your children personality, you might have to be more in tone about the "silent messages" they send you. Our children do react quite differently. My daughter is exactly like her dad, she keeps everyhting inside and then BOUM everything comes out..sometimes things that have happened 6 months before!!!?? My sons are like me...totally the opposite so I know that they will verbalise.

Last week David was unwell and our youngest knew about that. I needed to work and asked a friend to take my 2 boys (10 and 6) for a few hours. The youngest kept wanting to come home and be with dad so I have learnt that day that even at 6, they can be quite switched on! It is a learning path for everyone. You, me and so many others will not always have it right!! Give yourself a chance to make mistakes and be insecure, it is a normal reaction. We all go throught this at one point.

As for your husband, I think it is important that he feels that you are there for him and support him dealing with his father's illness. If he's a "talker", you're lucky because you'll be able to ascertain his feelings and support him. If he's not (like my husband) you will probably have to be more pro-active in seeking his feelings and again try to encourage him through this new chapter of his life, your lives.

One think sure for us, honesty with our children is paramount, it is the way we approach that makes the big difference. As for your hubby, make sure your there for him, he's lucky to have you.

Keep us posted, this site is a very good place for you and perhaps him as well. I find it a good place for a caregiver as well and I have sent plenty "email this to a friend" messages from this site to my husdand.

Hope it helps! Marie-Lyne

Hi DIL,

I feel for you-- I went through a similar situation with my dad. My situation was a bit different in the sense that it was my dad and not father-in-law, but I still went through the same struggles of staying strong for him when all I wanted to do was cry, how to stay strong for my daughters, what to tell them, etc...

This board was my #1 support during those times. Every time I had a question, I came here. I tried to stay away from books and certain informational websites. Some of it is good for basic information, but the statistics and other information can be misleading. The people on this site are honest, supportive, and I hope you won't feel silly any longer when posting here. We all have something in common here, so in essence they're not totally strangers.

As for my support, I kind of learned as I went. When my dad was down, we cried together. When he was up, we lived as normally as possible-- visited family, went shopping, watched movies together, etc... When he was in an in between stage (which seemed to be alot), I would stay positive and happy. I started a free website on Geocities where I posted updates on my dad'a diagnosis, treatments, etc... and then gave the link to anyone and everyone we knew across the country. It was a nice way to support my dad and help everyone keep updated on his treatment.

As for my daughters, they were 6 and 2, so I struggled with what to tell them. My 6-year-old knew that my Grandpa had died the year before from lung cancer, so she knew that cancer was serious. I thought about not using the 'c' word, but I figured at some point, someone we were with would mention it and then she'd freak out. So, we talked about how cancers are different, etc...etc... It was definitely a conversation I never thought I'd have with a 6 year old. But, she was very understanding. Both my girls knew that Grandpa had surgery on his neck and they couldn't touch it, and some days I had to explain to them that Grandpa didn't feel too well and they couldn't jump on him, but for the most part, the girls made my dad really happy and cheerful when they were with him.

So... that's how I handled being in the caregiver postition I was in. I hope pieces of it may be applicable to your position. Feel free to ask me any other questions if I can help at all. I remember how overwhelming it all is and I would love to be able to repay the site by assisting someone else in the situation I was in last year.

Good luck and LIVE STRONG!

Hi, again, DIL,
I forgot to add... when I look back, the best way my husband supported me was by taking over EVERYTHING at home with the girls while I was at the hospital. During my dad's initial surgeries and later during his overnight chemo sessions, my husband would say, "I've got it all here. Go to the hospital and be with your dad as long as you need to." Knowing that everything at home was taken care of and that I could focus completely on my dad was an incredible relief and support.

My email is in my profile if you have any quesitons.

LIVE STRONG!