I, too, am an RN. It carries a unique burden in these situations. You can picture all the horrible problems in one instance, like viewing a movie.

Here is what helped me - know that the time prior to a treatment plan being instituted is often the most anxiety producing. The PA in my PCP's office said this to me and I did not believe him, but he was right. He prescribed anti-anxiety meds for me and I only needed it for a short period of time. It allowed me to stop the "movie" from running constantly and get some rest. Once tx starts you are very busy.

Next, I gave myself a week to panic and read all the bad side effects and outcomes on this site and elsewhere. I prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best. To help my husband, which I knew I could do very well with my training, I had to calm down.

I spent a great deal of time thinking I could anticipate problems. I learned it was best to rely on rad/oncology team for guidance because the situation often changed and I had to address side effects in order of importance instead of ahead of time.

As Tammy did, I handled most of the medical information and advocacy. This was a relief to my husband, freeing him to concentrate on coping with side effects. We also divided this up in a team approach, which I believe was helpful.

Remember that as nurses we are familiar with worst case scenarios. We don't often deal with patients who have had good outcomes and are enjoying life after cancer. My husband has frankly told me that he is glad he fought the battle. Life has been worth the struggle we went through.

Stay in touch with us and ask questions. This a safe place to vent and express positive and negative feelings.

Welcome MrsW!

I had a similar diagnosis as your husband, left tonsil, two involved lymph nodes, mine was stage 4a. The good part is it's HPV related, which usually responds better to treatment, and is the biggest positive prognostic factor we have. In fact, many stage lV related HPV Oropharyngeal cancers like tonsil. base of tongue, will soon be stage l or ll with the new staging system for this type of HPV disease.

There are dintensification treatments in clinical trials, and looking foward to seeing what treatment changes there will be with the new staging system, some which may already be in practice. I'll only ask if your husband has a history of smoking?

The only thing I can add, at this time, is your CCC usually have social workers that can help, and even direct to counselors to help deal with the cancer diagnosis. There are also many programs, literature, to assist caretakers, such as yourself. If you need any resources, I have some.

If you have any questions, please ask here, besides the medical team.

thank you Paul
your encouraging words, support and helpful thoughts are so appreciated.
we had a CSW stop in at our last visit with the surgeon..
she actually had the worst patient approach and not only came across odd to me and my husband but truly did not impress me.
I work with CSWs all the time and they are nothing like this. We will seek resources for certain, but will likely look to find this with someone a bit more cancer patient etiquette. You did remind me to put this on my list of things to ask and do.

thank you

Travleottie

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..gosh.... thank you thank you thank you..
thank you ..
it really does help to have the unique perspective understood.
it really is a "movie" and of late it has been only worst case scenario and worst case outcome and worst case anticipations.

maybe that is natural for everyone to go through..
but reading things in forum and in medical journal research ( I worked in research for well over 13 years) just flips a switch for me of no return. I feel I need to educated and prepared to understand and know ...but it seriously takes a toll on my heart and mind.

Maybe some anti anxiety would help for the short term. feeling I could need it

so much stress and worry along with continuing to work full time...ugh.

really really really appreciate your kindness and sharing.
take care