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#192469 05-28-2016 03:06 PM
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 3
Kimmer Offline OP
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 3
My once loving husband has turned into someone I don't know! I get called every name in the book over petty things & often for no known reason. He threatens to hurt me at times. My children come over alot with the grandkids, and he never acts like that around them or to them...ever. Only me and sometimes at our 14 year old grandson who lives with us. I try to help him with feeding, meds etc & he tells me he is not helpless or ignorant like I am and that he can do it himself.....so I let him do it himself & if anything goes wrong he blames me for NOT helping him. I am in a lose-lose situation and feeling very emotionally abused. I keep telling myself that we are getting closer to the end of treatment, only 9 more radiations & 1 or 2 chemos. And I also know it will get worse (how i don't know) before it gets better when treatment is over. And then who knows what will happen. Thank you for letting me vent....I don't want or need any sympathy or encouragement....I am way past needing any of that.


CG FOR HUSBAND, 61, WITH SCC BACK OF TONGUE & THROAT AREA...STAGE 4
FOUND LUMP IN NECK IN MARCH....HAD BIOPSY, MRI, PET TO DIAGNOSE
STARTED RAD 4/13/16 & WEEKLY CHEMO ON 4/14/16...STILL GOING ON
Kimmer #192471 05-28-2016 05:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 644
Likes: 1
"OCF Down Under, Kiwi"
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"OCF Down Under, Kiwi"
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Joined: Nov 2009
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Hello, Kimmer. This is a good place to vent. It's also a good place to get empathy not sympathy - we can understand how hard it is for you and for your husband. Lots of people here are caregivers. From the studies I've read, they are often more stressed than the patient. And chemoradiation is very very hard on the body. You get over it but at the time it consumes everything.

Your husband's medical team should refer you both to some sort of therapy. I strongly believe that most of us need that. The Cancer Society helped me a lot.

Best wishes


1996, ovarian cancer surgery + cisplatin and taxol.
September, 2007, SCC of left lateral tongue. Excision.
October, 2009 recurrence in scar tissue, T1NOMO. Free flap surgery from left wrist - neck dissection. 63 year old New Zealander. No chemo, no RT.
February, 2014. New primary in left buccal mucosa. Marginal mandibulectomy, neck dissection, right arm free forearm flap. T1N0M0 but third occurrence and some areas of concern: RT started 8 April and finished 19 May.
Kimmer #192474 05-29-2016 05:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,291
Likes: 1
Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,291
Likes: 1
Hi,

This is the place to vent about the stress as a caretaker. You are not alone and your story is not all that uncommon. Even though he is being quite difficult, keep in mind you are near the end of treatment so there is light at the end of the tunnel. As you know, there will be rough days ahead but things will start getting better.

As you have adult kids, please ask them to visit and give you a break. Please get outside and do something you enjoy to get a break. It will help a lot.

Hang in there - things will get better.


Don
Male, 57 - Great health except C
Dec '12
DX: BOT SCC T2N2bMx, Stage 4a, HPV+, multiple nodes
1 tooth out
Jan '13
2nd tooth out
Tumor Board -induction TPF (3 cycles), seq CRT
4-6/2013
CRT 70gr 2x35, weekly carbo150
ended 5/29,6/4
All the details, join at http://beatdown.cognacom.com
Kimmer #192475 05-29-2016 06:05 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,024
"OCF Kiwi Down Under"
Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
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"OCF Kiwi Down Under"
Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,024
Hi Kimmer,
Do something for yourself. I found that I had to get out and away from it all at times. I went to the movies , shopping, coffee and walks with friends.
I think the irritability is due to their loss of control over their lives.
I also went to some counselling which I found extremely helpful.
I think involving your adult children is a good suggestion. Perhaps they could sit with your husband while you get some timeout.
And yes, this too will pass and life will get better. Hang in there.
Tammy


Caregiver/advocate to Husband Kris age 59@ diagnosis
DX Dec '10 SCC BOT T4aN2bM0 HPV+ve.Cisplatin x3 35 IMRT.
PET 6/11 clear.
R) level 2-4 neck dissection 8/1/11 to remove residual node - necrotic with NED
Feb '12 Ca back.. 3/8/12 total glossectomy/laryngectomy/bilat neck dissection/partial pharyngectomy etc. clear margins. All nodes negative for disease. PEG in.
March 2017 - 5 years disease free. Woohoo!

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