Update: He is now in a nursing home, got there this past Thursday 8/28. He is already asking to leave. Nothing pleases him. He is not happy at home, in the hospital, at a nursing facility. The problem with in-home care is they are only allowed a maximum of 35 hours a week. My father lives 7 hours away from me with my brother, when not in a facility. My brother works 60 hours a week. My father cannot come with me because he hates my husband and unfortunately, I am not willing to allow my children to see their father mistreated because my father wants to be an a** for no reason other than he can. I have told my father that to come live with me all he has to do is talk to my husband on the phone and be willing to treat him like a normal person since my husband will be required to help with his care. My father said he "has to think about it" and never brought it up again.

My father cannot stand on his own. He passes out when he does. He cannot walk. He is not urinating because his prostate is enlarged for some reason. He has now been throwing up constantly for the last 2 days. He is requesting to go back to the hospital when he just left there 5 days ago.

My brother and I do have medical POA. I do not know what to do though. I don't know who to call and what questions to ask. I am the one doing all the work from my home computer and through phone calls. Any help on who to call and what to ask would be a great help. I really want to know why it took them so long to start treatment and I'm not sure how to find out if my father put it off or if they were just negligent. I don't know why they haven't done a new scan to see if the cancer came back. I don't know why they sent him home with an infection, only for him to come back 18 hours later and blame it on him and my brother. I just don't know what to ask. So, a list would be wonderful. I am so grateful to have found this site because you all have been so helpful during this time of need.

Since your father is in a nursing home, he is being watched and cared for. There should be someone there you can speak to about his health, including his mental health. If he is very ill they should automatically transfer his to the hospital. Since you have POA, you should be speaking directly with his physicians instead of getting info only from your father.

It sounds to me like he would greatly benefit from some therapy. Im sure he must feel very isolated and alone and of course, very afraid. Ask at the nursing home if they have a counselor on staff that he can talk with.

Best wishes with everything!


PS... Please add a brief health history of your father in the signature section. Its very hard to answer questions without knowing the history. Im sorry but I dont have enough time to review all the posts to figure out exactly what he has already been thru.

K,

Your father has been through a LOT, a lot for anyone of any age. Since you need solid and practical advice and he is in a nursing facility as he can no longer take care of himself, you may find answers and support from hospice service.

It may seem quite depressing when this service is brought but the word has a HUGE stigma and everyone instantly thinks the worst. In fact, hospice is a good resource during times such as yours. They are helpful even if your father does not qualify for services as they work with families such as yours all the time.

Since they are familiar with your situation they may have suggestions to help you navigate these next turns in the road.

With respect to who to contact. With the POA, you can access his records and interact with his doctors and staff. First, make a list of the doctors he has seen and for what and who his current doctors are and what they do. Make sure to include the support functions too such as the lab and their number, the imaging center, etc.

Since he is in a nursing facility now, he has to have a doctor "of record", someone who is his primary contact. Get that name and number and start calling and finding out what they know and offer to your father.

I have a hunch the assigned doctor may not be the one you need to speak to the most. In other words, the radiologist or oncologist or ENT who treated him are the ones with the most detailed account to help you going forward. He probably has been assigned off to "regular" primary physician or one who works with the nursing facility to care for the patients there.

You have a lot on your plate so it is important to get focused and have a plan. It's good to hear you are getting your arms around such a complicated and stressful situation. Good luck, don

Best of luck to you and your family. I am glad to hear that he is getting further treatments, which means you still have hope! My father-in-law died of tongue cancer about 10 years ago. My mother-in-law is an RN and was able to care for him at home with the help of hospice and family. We focused on quality of life for him, making him as comfortable as possible in the end. It wasn't easy for us, but we just let him work through all of the emotions he had. If he had a bad day and wanted to gripe and snap we let him. If he was happy we helped him be happy. Just your being there helps so much. We spent many many hours just sitting quietly with him. If he continues to stay depressed then I would suggest talking with your doctors to see what you can do for him. Best wishes and hugs!