Hi everyone... I joined the forum in 2012, when my father was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma third stage. You might find my older conversations with other members. Well, My father lost his battle on 23 march 2013. I was with him all the time. Because he said he was scared, I kept talking to him the previous night until he fell asleep. The next day, he woke up once smiled at me and that was it. This is the first time i am talking about him in front of anyone. I avoided talking about him since after the diagnosis. I did not see the necessity of sharing those moments with anyone else. And even after he is gone, i dont. May be because i fear they wont get it or they might pitty on me. And i dont want that. I have witnessed stuff a daughter should never do. Yet I have been trying my own ways to be back to normal. I write down all my feelings in the form of poetry. I write whenever i miss him. This has helped to be normal again, not my old self though. Just normal. His loss has made me realize his importance in my daily life. I am not sad. I laugh, I play pranks on my brother, I have fun with my friends. I have got a job at a firm as a consultant. Its fun, but i really wished my father was there when i brought my first pay check at home. Right now i am focussing on two of most important things in my life. My mother, who brings my father's name in every other conversations and my fathers dream to see me become a successful structural analyst.
I had to gather a lot of courage even to write here again. But i think this is the only safe space for me to talk to others and be of help if possible by any means.

Im very sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting. At OCF, we do understand all the horrors of oral cancer and what patients and caregivers endure. You are so right with a daughter should never see the things you have witnessed, no caregiver ever should. Oral cancer is one terrible disease!

May you find some peace in the memories of the happier times you shared with your father. Please accept my deepest condolences.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Hanima, thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to strangers.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. As you say, the things you witnessed were horrific, yet you were by his side till the very end. What a beautiful and loving daughter you are. From any level, the blessing you received was the peace of the smile as he passed on. Your father made sure he returned your love and faithfulness by leaving you with the most precious and beautiful last memory.

My wish for you is that as time goes by, your pain is replaced by the loving and happy memories you have of your father. Work hard and be successful, however you define that. Your father was so fortunate and blessed and he is with you always.

thank you so much for your wishes christine and uptown.... i am glad to be a part of such a noble group... i have recently started a blog which will have the poems i have written... its still a work in progress but i feel the poems i have written might connect to people like me... people who have lost their loved ones.... it will be a relief to me if anyone feels connected to them and feel motivated.....