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#179403 04-17-2014 04:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2012
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SoSad26 Offline OP
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Hi, I haven't posted many times on here, but I read things all the time. I feel kind of silly for posting something now because right now at this minute, my dad is in remission. He's having a lot of nosebleeds and weakness. He sees his ENT tomorrow. I'm not convinced the cancer is back, but I'm also not convinced that it's not. My problem is that I feel like I don't handle these ups and downs very well and I thought people on here could understand how I'm feeling. A couple months ago they saw something funny on his esaphagus so I went into a major depression thinking the cancers back and he's going to suffer. Then we got the biopsy results back and they were ok so I was elated. Now he's having nosebleeds and weakness and I'm depressed again thinking that it could be back. I almost feel bipolar. I think it's because I feel like even if these results come back ok, then the next ones or the ones after that won't. I feel like it's just a matter of time before it really is back and everything will change. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but it's hard to talk to people in my real life because they just want to cheer me up and make me feel positive. But you guys know what I'm talking about, right? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Do other people feel this way or am I just super negative? Thanks for letting me vent.


Secondary caregive to dad (70 years old). BOT cancer & lymph nodes diagnosed 12/11. 35 rad treatments & 4 erbitux. PEG tube. Non-smoker. Casual drinker.
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Im so sorry you are having a difficult time! This is completely normal. Many patients and caregivers go thru exactly what you described. It has been compared to PTSD, or maybe it is a form of it. Others have described it as just waiting for the other shoe to drop. After everything your family has been thru and you have witnesses first hand with someone you love its perfectly normal to have doubts of a good future. Fearing a recurrence is all of our worst fear. Quite a few caregivers will seek out a therapist to talk to, many take anxiety meds. I wish I had some magic words to help make you feel better. I guess its like everything else, it takes time to heel.


Christine
SCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44
2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07
-65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr
Clear PET 1/08
4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I
surg 4/16/08 clr marg
215 HBO dives
3/09 teeth out, trismus
7/2/09 recur, Stg IV
8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy
3wks medicly inducd coma
2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit
PICC line IV antibx 8 mo
10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg
OC 3x in 3 years
very happy to be alive smile
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Posts: 945
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Hi, SoSad
You sound like me! I am finally doing a little better, but I still have issues, too, and periodically have to stop posting as it makes the memories return. In addition to Christine' suggestions, I find that meditation and exercise both help me cope. Are you able to take a walk in the morning? Spring should finally have arrived in Kentucky, and your Dad, who loves you, would undoubtedly like you to enjoy it.

Remember, too, that you can better carry a burden if you put it down from time to time. As my mother said, 'let go, let God'. We can only do our best, and it seems to me you are doing that.

All my best to you and your Dad.
Maria

Last edited by Maria; 04-17-2014 06:34 AM.

CG to husband - SCC Tonsil T1N2M0 HPV+ Never Smoker
First symptoms 7/2010, DX 12/2010
TX 40 IRMT (1.8 gy) + 10 Cetuximab
PET Scans 6/2011 + 3/2012 clear, 5 year physical exam clear; chest CT's clear of cancer. On thyroid pills. Life is good.
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 805
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Hi,
We are 2.5 years out and I can honestly say I still struggle with this. We will have another PET scan in June. The closer that gets the more the stomach hurts. It really is the new normal and I had to talk to our doctor about something for the anxiety. I needed it more in the first year than I do now, but even now I am very happy to have it.
Please know what you are feeling is normal and it is great that you are reaching out for advice. Please look into some counseling or at the very least some meds to help. And stay in touch!!
Hoping you find some peace,
Kathy


Kathy wife/caregiver to:
Kevin age:53
Dx 7/15/11
HPV16+ SCC Stage IV BOT/R
Non smoker, casual drinker
7/27/11 Cistplatin, taxotere,5FU 2/3week sessions, followed by IMRT 125cgy x 60 (2x daily) w/Erbitux weekly. Last rad 10/26/11. Last Erbitux 10/27/11
PEG placed 9/1/11 Removed 11/8/11
Clear PET 10/12 and 10/13 and ct in 6/14
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What you are experiencing is very common. Do seek counseling or see a psychiatrist and get some meds for anxiety.

You can also ask yourself how you are spending that time worrying and if there are ways to be spending that time that is more pleasurable and comforting. That almost sounds so stupid but this is where you will your mind to a better place, knowing the worrying and anxiety place is not so good. Easier said than done but find a couple things that really engage you that you can focus your energy to while feel bummed out. Good luck. Don


Don
Male, 57 - Great health except C
Dec '12
DX: BOT SCC T2N2bMx, Stage 4a, HPV+, multiple nodes
1 tooth out
Jan '13
2nd tooth out
Tumor Board -induction TPF (3 cycles), seq CRT
4-6/2013
CRT 70gr 2x35, weekly carbo150
ended 5/29,6/4
All the details, join at http://beatdown.cognacom.com
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[quote=donfoo]What you are experiencing is very common. Do seek counseling or see a psychiatrist and get some meds for anxiety.

You can also ask yourself how you are spending that time worrying and if there are ways to be spending that time that is more pleasurable and comforting.

That almost sounds so stupid but this is where you will your mind to a better place, knowing the worrying and anxiety place is not so good. Easier said than done but find a couple things that really engage you that you can focus your energy to while feel bummed out. Good luck. Don[/quote]

What donfoo said! Monitor your thoughts and attitude, and when you find yourself starting down a negative path in your thoughts, (and you may think this sounds silly, but it works) speak sharply (in your mind) to yourself and say "Quit that!" and direct your concentration/thoughts to something unrelated, and preferably pleasant.

I suggest that you choose a topic to think about that is unrelated to the cancer situation. Using the cancer situation reinforces the natural inclination to create rosy scenarios where a complete cure is the next event, and that inevitably leads to strong attachment to that outcome.

We all wish for that, but attachment to it sets you up for greater suffering if that is not the outcome that life and reality hand you. Leave that one alone and just do all you can do and then see how things go.

You may have difficulty with this at first, but do it. It is a technique for self-programming you mind to avoid unnecessary suffering. This business comes with all the suffering you will ever want, so don't add to your burden with more that is unnecessary and avoidable.

The technique will work, and will become second nature after a short while and will help you all through out your life, as well.


My intro: http://oralcancersupport.org/forums/ubbt...3644#Post163644

09/09 - Dx OC Stg IV
10/09 - Chemo/3 Cisplatin, 40 rad
11/09 - PET CLEAN
07/11 - Dx Stage IV C. (Liver)
06/12 - PET CLEAN
09/12 - PET Dist Met (Liver)
04/13 - PET CLEAN
06/13 - PET Dist Met (Liver + 1 lymph node)
10/13 - PET - Xeloda ineffective
11/13 - Liver packed w/ SIRI-Spheres
02/14 - PET - Siri-Spheres effective, 4cm tumor in lymph-node
03/15 - Begin 15 Rads
03/24 - Final Rad! Woot!
7/27/14 Bart passed away. RIP!
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Posts: 225
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Hi. I hope you are feeling re-assured by the previous post. I think that once cancer touches a family it never quite goes away. Martin has been cancer free now for almost 6 years. But the slightests sore throat or mention of a mouth ulcer and I worry and keep an eye. This disease is so awful and the treatment so hard that it stays. I never show him my worries, but make sure I know if something is wrong, and make sure he keeps telling me. I am not negative, on the contrary out of the 2 of us I am the most positive, but secretly I worry. I never tell Martin I do though, he is negative and "grumpy" (as our 3 year old would say) enough as it is. We all had at least 1 rant here. It's nice to be able to turn somewhere.


Girlfriend to Martin 49 years old at diagnosis
Diagnosed with SCC unknown primary June 2008.
Cancer found in single node Stage N2A (3 to 6cm).
Tonsilectomy 16th june, Radical modified neck dissection left side 30th june.
30 TX radiotherapy ended 9th October
First comparative study scan came back clear

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