You can get through this. While the surgery sounds daunting hopefully they are giving you a worse case scenario, and they will not have to be so invasive while inside.

hugs and best of luck. You'll get through it.

Thanks everyone. Not sure if Auckland has the talking trach ... will inquire.

Gabe, this tempestuous patient has twice managed to overdose on morphine using the self-administered pump, the tempestuous patient has hallucinations so real she thinks she's living in another world, she has a drug reaction that causes her to disconnect the trache from the humidifier, pull out her naso-gastric tube and run out of the hospital (at night down the fire escape stairs, in her gown) convinced the hospital is under military attack. She can't relax, can't sleep and has other patients in the 4-bed room complaining.

I spent a lot of time on Friday explaining my sensitivity to morphine and the bad back that causes extreme discomfort during the two weeks lying on my back on a hard bed. While the rigours of this sort of surgery might seem a worthy means to a curative end to most people, they are very real to me. I can be a tough and realistic cancer patient day to day, but I'm always a gibbering wreck after major surgery and always have been. When people say you just have to get through it, it's as if they're saying I have to spend two weeks in a dungeon being tortured but that's okay because it will help me survive in the long term.

Every time I say or think this, I feel guilty because I'm lucky to be sort of curable and a beneficiary of such sophisticated microsurgery. But it's how I feel ...

Anyway, strong-minded now. I'm going up Rangitoto Island, a volcano near Auckland Harbour today: Looks a bit hazy for good photos but I'll do my best.

Love to all
Maureen

Oh dear Maureen. Kris too has wild hallucinations with Morphine and won't have it.
There are however very good alternatives to Morphine. The best probably being Fentanyl which can also be delivered through a patient controlled pump. When you meet the Anaesthetist make sure he is aware as he will be prescribing the pain relief, not the surgeons.
Going to be a lovely day up North today. We are expecting 26 degrees. Thank goodness for air conditioned workplace.
Enjoy Rangitoto,
Tammy

That's great advice Tammy. I'll investigate the Fentanyl for sure. Alternatives were mentioned but in a vague manner:)

I'm just reading this now and see your last entry was a couple of weeks ago, Maureen. How are you doing?

Sending good vibes from a long way off!

Thanks, David. I'm doing pretty well. Surgery in two weeks today. Long time to wait but I seem to be making good use of the time. My youngest son lives in the UK and is coming down to NZ to "work from home" for six weeks. This ties in with a family wedding at the end of March and enables him to support me through the ordeal of surgery now that my husband is in care.

That has given me a huge boost; I feel quite spoilt:)

Last week my mouth got really sore, not just the lesion but the rest of it too. Haven't had thrush for years so didn't put two and two together. I was thinking dark thoughts about having to wait so long for surgery and wondering what the cancer cells were getting up to. Finally I looked in my mouth ... not a pretty sight ... went to the pharmacy and got some Nilstat drops. They seem to have worked; there's a bit of discomfort but the soreness has gone. Relief. I have an unexpected appointment with one of the surgeons on Friday ... just two more days to go ... so I'll get some answers and more info.

YEAH!!!! on the thrush... good luck on the appointment... fingers crossed.

Maureen,

Very sorry to hear that you are going through this again. It sounds like they found it early and have a good treatment plan. I certainly understand your concerns about the upcoming surgery and hospital stay after what you went through before.

I am glad to hear that your son is able to come for an extended visit! Please keep us posted. You are in my thought and prayers. HUGS!

Oh dear. Have just come back from trip to see one of the surgeons. The cancer is a bit bigger than I thought and goes from inside cheek to against gum, over gum to floor of mouth near or under tongue. My spacial intelligence isn't all that good but he drew me a picture.

They're going to have to do a bigger flap than last time and cut open my chin/lip to get access to the lesion. So I'll have a scar up the front of my chin. He said I could be in hospital for up to four weeks depending on how fast I heal.

This surgeon didn't pull any punches. He said the biopsy results were misleading because this is a full scale cancer, lumpy and looking cancerous. It ain't no carcinoma in situ as the biopsy results initially indicated. He didn't seem to be too concerned about the nodes but of course they're coming out anyway.

Funnily enough I took it well. Having a friend with me helped although she looked shattered afterwards, poor thing. I think I expected worse in a way ... It still sounds fixable ... The surgeon is a good communicator and very confidence-inspiring. It's just a pity that the Christmas hiatus period robbed me of a clearer run up to this point. I had the biopsy on December 11!