My husband had partial glossectomy and neck dissection 7/23. Lightning speed with this entire situation. Sore week of 7/4, two biopsies week after, surgery week after that. Sore went from small hole to two to a giant sore in three days the week of 7/4. He was getting worse, refused to see dentist, I propelled him from forced visit to dentist, oral surgeon, head and neck surgeon and second opinion at Yale within one week. He would still be sitting complaining about sore if I didn't do all this. He was already on antidepressant, antipsych and mood stabilizer before surgery for anger issues. Drs maintained meds in hospital. Now home, taking lorab 2x daily instead of 6. Will not even take Tylenol to get him through midday pain. Anger, irritability, being a jerk. I have been here for him the whole time and am keepin my mouth shut trying to understand thjis is cancer and I am not in his shoes. But the anger and irritabiolity are advancing to levels that are not good. Seems to be taking hiim to levels that he would be at without his psych meds. Scared. I know it is depression. Is this from anger about cancer? Dropping off the narcotic fast? Coming to terms with everything? His original anger almost tore us apart and tongue cancer is bringing that abusize person back...what is this?

Apappala - You have already done a super-human caregiving job and certainly do not deserve to be treated this way no matter what the source of your husband's behavior. When my son was in Tx, he was very depressed and seeing a therapist for the depression. At times he was irritable but not to the extent that you and many others have described here. I would definitely mention this to your husband's doctors to see what help they could give him and for you, too. I'm sure others will be along here that can share their experiences and suggestions. Meds can definitely affect behavior. Check his prescription bottles for side effects. One of the meds my son was on plainly said "can cause suicidal thoughts" which I happened to check and told my son who called his doctor but in his case, the doctor felt it did not apply to him. But just talking to the doctor about it, made him feel better. There are many things that can affect behavior, even vitamins so it's best to make sure the doctors know everything that is going into his body (also coming out of his body). Just being constipated can make some people very irritable. Apappala - be sure and take care of you, too. If your own well being is compromised, you won't be give to others what you don't have to give. Stay with us and let us know what is happening.

Hi Apappala,

As I see from your other post and this one, you have a lot going on in a very short period of time. It's difficult at best to be on the caregiver side and deal with cancer and the myriad of emotions it brings but you have the added task of dealing with your husband's mental illness that is being exasperated by the recent events. Add to that the physical pain from surgery and the potential for more with subsequent treatments which is a very distinct possibility and it's more than a full plate for anyone.

For many including myself, there was a period of weeks/months from the time we began to even suspect cancer to the day we heard the diagnosis. Then, there was a period of time from being diagnosed until treatment started. That alone was a very emotional and difficult period of time and adjustment which brought out some of the reactions you're experiencing. To have things happen at such a whirl wind pace compounded with the already existing conditions is something I cannot fathom and I've been through a heck of a ride thus far.

Does your husband have a therapist? Someone that can help him deal with what's taking place? It would seem to me, based on what you're saying, that intervention would be prudent before the lid blows off. It's difficult enough to deal with a cancer diagnosis from both the patient and caregiver perspectives, but adding what could potentially be an abusive and harmful situation to the mix is not good for anyone involved.

I would contact the hospital and doctors immediately to discuss what's happening.

Positive thoughts and prayers

"T"

Apappala,

Really sorry that you 2 are going thru this crap but you have found the best site in the world to give you creditable advice but do keep in mind that none of us are doctors but we are battle tested.

It would help if you would develop a Signature Line like mine and others so that every time you post you don't have to repeat yourself and anyone wishing to respond has a more complete picture of what's going on. Go to MY STUFF and then EDIT MY PROFILE.

Being a Caregiver is probably equal to having the cancer, yours is NOT an enviable job. IMO 50% of the battle patients face with this cancer are mental yet our cancer team seldom addresses those issues. We see people that handle the mental side themselves and we see people than quickly need professional help and everywhere in between. He, which probably means with your insistence, needs to get professional assistance ASAP. Cancer takes a great deal from us that we can't control but this is something that we can overcome and he needs to channel his anger into preventing this cancer from affecting him and everyone around him anymore than it already has.

Im very sorry to read about your husbands negative reaction towards all of this. He has been thru alot and has every right to be angry and frustrated. But.... not directing this towards you. I would make an appointment ASAP for him with a therapist who is familiar with working with cancer patients. If I were you I would also seek out a therapist for you as well. They can give you tips on how to better handle yourself with your husband. Im very sorry he is being so awful towards you, try your very best not to take it personally. Think of it like its only the cancer talking. Caregivers to me are like angels, they are the best.... never forget that!!!


PS... Please take some time to read thru the link I sent you thru a private message (PM). You need to add a signature so we can help you better. Take a look towards to top middle of the page, next to the My Stuff tab. You should see a tiny envelope blinking. Click on that to get your PM. Please take a few minutes to review it. There is a link which gives detailed instructions on how to add a signature. It really is very important to have a signature, it helps us to help you.

Hi Apappala, very sorry to hear you and your husband have been going through all of this. But you are at the right place for support! I too had a husband that I would describe as Dr Jekkle and Mr Hyde. He would glare at me with eyes that could just bring me to my knees.. There was nothing I could say or do that was right.So I know what your going through. Please feel free to personal message me .it is not an easy road for either of you. In time it will get better. In the mean time make sure your staying in close contact with his docs for adjustments as needed on his medications,and make sure your taking care of yourself.

I am seeing a man with too much self pity and craving more from you. A lot of people act like jerks when they are 1st diagnosed with Oc but soon get oer it and then it is fear bigtime. Keep up the good work and one day he will really appreciate what you do for him. I had to go thru all my treatments just about alone so it can be done. I'm no tuffy just a hardheaded old guy that enjoys life too much to act like an idiot with anyone that comes near me. Just enjoy your life while it sinks in his head that he can beat OC by thinking positive and SMILING. He will be fine one day soon.

So glad to see you back Jim!