So here I am post diagnosis, in the lull before horrific treatment (cut and burn, poison optional), when I am 'spose to be so keenly aware of every moment, every blessing..........more alive than ever in the face of mortal threat........

YADDA YADDA FRICKIN YADDA.

Guess I missed the noble cancer warrior pose at yoga, people. Cuz I am one surly woman right now. I have no patience. And the snapping I'm doing is NOTHING compared to the snapping I'm thinking.

So now, on top of everything else, I have GUILT for how I'm treating the people closest to me. As if they didn't have enough pain already.

Who knows what I'm talking here???

My dad (colon cancer survivor) gave me some advice after my diagnosis:

When I was at MDA, there were two groups of people. One group curled up in a ball with their blanket under their chin. Sometimes they sleep. Sometimes they cry. The other group paced the floor. Sometimes they spit. Sometimes they cuss. They were pissed. The pissed off people all left before the other group.

I took it to heart as best I could and it served me well. OC will beat you down and keep you there if you let it. Based on your post, cancer doesn't stand a chance.

Glad to know I am not the only cranky one!

I know what you mean! I was pissed too! How dare cancer come in and screw things up like it did!

I divorced a 2nd time in 2006. Practically wiped me out. November of 2007 I had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. I didn't have insurance. That wiped me out. I struggled for a couple of years. Several times I thought I'd be out on the street.

Then I got a job in the music industry. I had over 11 years experience and it was the perfect fit. After a 15 year hiatus, I started playing music again, and was gaining success. I met Marcia in October of 2010. My life was going well for the first time in 5 years.

I had my 2nd heart attack in October of 2012. The bypasses arteries were fine. Three others were blocked. One at 99%. The doctors were surprised I came away relatively unscathed. Three stents later I was home and back to work. I had the swollen glands since August of 2012 and mentioned them in the hospital but their attention was on my heart.

November of 2012 was a visit to the ENT's office, biopsy and DX'd SCC stage III or IV. You gotta be kidding me! Cancer? F that! I have too many things going on to deal with cancer. I want to propose to my girlfriend, I have gigs booked into March of 2013!
Yeah... I was pissed.

I went into treatment pissed. I got beat down, kicked, punched and pummeled for 6 weeks but kept fighting back. I have too much to do!

The added aggression served me well in the fight.

Positive thoughts and prayers

"T"

[quote]Guess I missed the noble cancer warrior pose at yoga, people. Cuz I am one surly woman right now. [/quote]

It's not just the survivors who become intolerant/combatative/surly

Whilst I regularly described Alex as a tantrum throwing 2 year old on this forum, for my part, I was at least as bad if not worse. I went toe to toe with the thoracic registrar looking after Alex's lung collapse when he suggested a 4th do over of the same procedure that had already failed the previous 3 times, nailed the RO to the wall when he suggested that Alex "wasn't trying hard enough" and smacked (figuratively) the bureaucrats who hid behind illogical and inflexible "policies" for sickness benefits. Alex DID eventually receive the attention of the head of the cardiothoracic department, get the RO consult returned to his case, and get sickness benefits backdated to the date he was diagnosed.

Do I care that I ruined so many people's day? Not if they were saying or doing stupid things. I feel slightly guilty about the people who did understand but could not do anything about it though...

I have heard from many people that once one has faced a life changing experience, one's perspective changes and one becomes more tolerant as the priorities shift. 3 years later, still waiting ...

HOWEVER, Alex and I are a stronger couple for the experience, our social network has shrunk to two (our choice) and we both do what WE want to do and everyone else be dammed. We are polite about it - but that is the way it is. Alex, despite all his ongoing issues (taste, swallow, weight, teeth), says that 2012 was his best year ever and 2013 will be even better!! He describes himself as content. I am not quite where he is (still have a massive amount of "righteous indignation" when I perceive an injustice - no matter who it is aimed at) but I do agree that our relationship is more solid than I could ever have imagined a relationship could be.

I don't think I will ever reach that stage where I might consider that cancer gave us any sort of "gift". I still find that type of remark mostly offensive. Whilst Alex and I might be stronger for the experience, I would still have preferred to skip the drama of 2010/2011 and remain the weakling I once was.

PS I have no sense of balance so yoga in any pose is totally wasted on me

Yes! the aggression does serve a purpose. It gets you into the fight mode so that you can kick the horrible attack on your health. Caregivers get it too! I was SO angry that Cancer attacked my son! I would not, could not - consider even for a second any alternative but survival for him! About the guilt - don't worry about that - you can always say "sorry" later. The people close to you will understand. Right now - stay in the fight mode and it will serve you well in the days ahead. There are lots of caring people here who will help you every step of the way. So stay close and let us know what's happening.

Getting close to two years cancer free. I can look back objectively and admit that there were blessings wrapped up in this horrible disease
1) I learned how to fight - that will serve me well the rest of my life
2) I learned there are things worth fighting for
3) I learned there's a whole bunch of things that aren't. This one is a biggie! Many things I thought were so dang important before didn't amount to squat. I'm much better at letting the little stuff go and most stuff is little.

I really am a different person now and can't imagine living life like the old me

I've been in some form of treatment, surgery, testing, hospitalization, blood transfusions continuously for 3.6 years, not just 7 weeks like most, and had 5 recurrences, having to go through all the same anxiety, doctor visits, testing, waiting, and treatment, each and every time. I go to two, sometimes three doctors a week, blood tests, just as often, and this has been going in since Oct 2009. If I put everything down in my signature, it would take the whole page. I've been in fight mode ever since diagnosis, actually before that growing up lol, but I can say, I will never accept cancer did anything to improve my life. I'm happy being unhappy. Cancer made an enemy for life with me, and I don't turn the other cheek to get slapped again, or accept what cancer did. I'm the type to get revenge, and in this case, living is the best revenge.

Of course you are mad. I think that's a positive reaction but you need to shortly get that feeling out of your system, so to speak and channel that energy into joining your treatment team and defeating a disease that is trying to kill you. We will be with you as long as you want and you can always yell at us because we know exactly how you feel.

Aggression also masks fear. It's good to be angry to some degree but you also very much need to deal with the fear, hugs my dear.

Masks fear? Oh, I was very openly and admittedly afraid. If you're not afraid then you must not understand the situation. I guess setting fears aside and digging my heels in is just the way I'm wired.

The Fear Factor didn't come into my situation as much as it seemed to affect others. Having faced death head on with the heart attacks, I have been there on the edge. I was in the hospital ER with doctors and nurses all around me trying to stabilize me. Believe me it was crazy! Then, with the emergency situation (bleeding) after my neck dissection, I was yet in another situation where my life was on the line. It didn't really sink in until one of the doctors said "Mr "T", this is very serious. You could die!"

When I was in those situations, I wasn't thinking about death. My life wasn't flashing in front of my eyes. All I knew in those moments was that I hurt badly and I wanted the pain to stop.

I recall driving myself to the hospital with the 1st heart attack and getting tunnel vision and feeling like I was going to pass out. I wasn't scared. I just wanted to make it to the hospital! I recall thinking "Man, I should have done the dishes and picked up the dirty laundry"... "Did I clean my cache?" ~lol~

Then came cancer... I was more concerned with everyone else I would leave behind should it get the better of me. I don't fear death. I do fear the pain but I know there's good stuff they could pump me with to make me comfortable. I was pissed and still am to some extent. I deal with frustration more than anything else concerning the side effects and the way cancer has changed my life but I press on, one foot in front of the other. I know I'll eventually settle into my new abnormal life

"T"

I had fear when I was first diagnosed, I guess of the unknown, but not really much anymore, I faced my fears a long time ago, including death, many illnesses, 5 recurrences, and still angry, which may be the wrong word, but sounds better than preparation, information, active surveillance, and vigilance I do. Actually, anger is also somewhat related to fight or flight syndrome. I never fled from anyone, and all my jobs entailed my responding when everyone else ran away lol, so I'm not starting now. But I like being an angry man, somewhat fearful. anyway lol, it keeps me on the edge to act quickly. Actually, anger is part of any traumatic event, much like dealing with death, first it's shock, then denial, anger or blame, depression, and finally acceptance to move on. I just never accepted cancer to move on.

Such interesting responses but most seems to lean toward the anger, aggression tone. I am four weeks post and by most accounts have glided over most of the rough spots most encounter. However, that in no way diminishes the fact that I have cancer just the same as everyone else in the fight.

Having lived in survival mode for quite some time and standing at the point of life and death numerous times, death does not frighten me or anger me. We all die, just a matter of when.

I turn a lot inward and if anger were to emerge it would be at myself for how I lived the time I have here on Earth. Did I live well, did I treat others well, was I productive, did I waste time, how much was I able to pay forward, etc.

Cancer is a luck of the draw in my view. I lived a healthy life and did not smoke or drink or live too hard, so getting cancer was written in the cards long ago. No need to get angry or upset. It is what it is. Now DEAL!

How well I deal with the situation is where anger or frustration could enter. If I handle things poorly then I have a right to be angry at myself, not outwardly. I will blame myself many times over rather than strike outward. That is why I spent far more than generally observed time, reading and learning everyday about the condition I(we here) face. And a good day is when I know I have armed myself with knowledge to ask the right questions and assess my situation. If things don't go right then make a change. If things don't go right, blame myself for not making the correct assessment and selecting the correct path.

It is like I do not blame myself or anyone or anything for me having cancer. I will blame myself first and foremost as I am the ONE accountable for my life. I just do not see the rationale behind getting all worked up and having that energy and focus go toward anger and all these other negative feelings.

In a way, I view that as a black mark on me again. I spent precious limited resource of time, energy, and focus being pissed. WTF is the point of that. Look what happens: You squander away those limited resources to an end that does not produce something of benefit for you. In my case, I would say rather than waste today preoccupied on the hassle of chemo, I study hard and research some cancer topic using my laptop. At the end of the day, I could be no more knowledgeable or informed but happily pissed or could have a few good new references to get ahead of what next possibilities are out there for my long term health.

As far as the ones that totally collapse and fail to make any concerted effort to be their own advocate or source of strength for the battle. let them lay there as far as I am concerned.

Just different ways each person deals with the curves life throws at each and every one of us each day.

True, Don. Different ways. Not right or wrong. Just different. And whatever works in helping us to survive is the right one for each of us. For me, in caring for my son - the anger (not necessarily turned outward) is what spurred me on to find ways to help him survive. Perhaps it is my French-Canadian background. There is a saying in French: "Syst�me-D" which means "D�brouille-toi" or "figure things out, or work your way through the fog. A proud parent will say about his child, "Il est bien d�brouillard" (He can figure things out for himself). There is always something you can do about whatever situation you are in. And doing it is what kept me from falling into the Black Pit of depression. Speaking of black pits, William E. Henley's poem "Invictus" also helped me many times to get a grip on myself. It's on my website here in case it might help anyone:
http://webpages.charter.net/xila/favpoems.html

For Alex and I the irritability/anger was driven by different things.

For me it was time and stupidity. I did not feel I had the time to wait for others to catch up with the programme and if they delayed what I knew had to be done I didn't muck about being polite. Bureaucracy drove me insane as their processes delayed what clearly needed to be done and I could not abide "but that's the way we always do it" response. I remember being told that payment of sickness benefits would take 12 weeks to review and if I wasn't happy with whatever the outcome was, I could then write to the ombudsman. When I told them that I would not wait such a ridiculous length of time and would just go directly to the ombudsman for a ruling, they got quite agitated. But they processed the paperwork whilst I waited and Alex received his payment plus backpay (we had already waited 2 months for them to get their act into gear) the following week.

For Alex, I am sure there was a fear component but the biggest issue was confusion and short term memory loss brought on by the chemo. He was often incapable of joining the dots, leading to confusion which manifested as "brain snap". As dementia often presents as "irritability" I wondered if a similar mechanism was affecting Alex.

Regardless of the cause, I think the most important thing that helped was knowing what we were going through was normal or at least common. Reassurance from this forum went a long way towards helping us manage the situation (although I still fantasized about dropping Alex off by the side of the road on occasion )

Well said paul, you want to know I trick? When I feel like this is going to be too much for me to take. I think of you and the shit you've been throgh and still manage to show up with paper and pen. (prepared to help others). And I feel the fight in me rise again. So thank you paul, and all others that have shown me your personal strength from which I draw from. Shawn U.

Mamacita, wow! I am glad you shared this with us. We cant be bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time. sometimes this sucks out loud! and you have to acknowledge it from time to time. Well done sweets.

Shawn u.

I think it was Ekhardt Tolle that said, "You cannot change what you don't accept" so if we can first realize what is happening, recognize it and accept it for the horrible thing it is, we can more easily get into the fight mode and start doing something about it which gives us control over the beast. Or as Don has said, "Now DEAL!". And there are lots of people here who can help us in the fight, hold our hand when we falter and give us hope.

Mama, I am so with you. I was diagnosed 5 weeks after I opened my own business. I was within the 3 month window for my extended health insurance, and the only way for me to earn an income was to work. Talk about shitty timing.

When I was in hospital, and being my own advocate (asking about meds, etc.), I was listed as a "difficult" patient (I saw it on a sheet tucked into a new nurses pocket).

I was 39 years old, and righteously pissed. I got tired very fast of people asking "how are you"? I wanted to scream at them all - I have cancer you jackass! Of course I'm not all right. I didn't, but man, it was tempting sometimes.

My saving grace - my parents. They were so devastated by the news that I couldn't pile any more on them. My dad looked like he was going to burst into tears at any given moment, and he's not a crier. So I faked it.

We have a saying for young lawyers - "fake it, til you make it", which is the false confidence we use until our knowledge and skills get good enough.

I still have my moments, when a word gets stuck, or at lunch when someone chomps down on a burger and I want to choke the life out of them. I tend to come here those days, and remind myself of the people here we lost, or those who have it worse than I do, and tell myself to stop being a baby. Sometimes I just rant. That's what we're here for.

mine happened so quick, and I know im not the only one but it just sucks. I hate cancer! ive dealt with HIV for over 20 years and it has been a kiss on the cheek compared to what cancer has done to me in about 2 years or so!