So here I am post diagnosis, in the lull before horrific treatment (cut and burn, poison optional), when I am 'spose to be so keenly aware of every moment, every blessing..........more alive than ever in the face of mortal threat........

YADDA YADDA FRICKIN YADDA.

Guess I missed the noble cancer warrior pose at yoga, people. Cuz I am one surly woman right now. I have no patience. And the snapping I'm doing is NOTHING compared to the snapping I'm thinking.

So now, on top of everything else, I have GUILT for how I'm treating the people closest to me. As if they didn't have enough pain already.

Who knows what I'm talking here???

My dad (colon cancer survivor) gave me some advice after my diagnosis:

When I was at MDA, there were two groups of people. One group curled up in a ball with their blanket under their chin. Sometimes they sleep. Sometimes they cry. The other group paced the floor. Sometimes they spit. Sometimes they cuss. They were pissed. The pissed off people all left before the other group.

I took it to heart as best I could and it served me well. OC will beat you down and keep you there if you let it. Based on your post, cancer doesn't stand a chance.

Glad to know I am not the only cranky one!

I know what you mean! I was pissed too! How dare cancer come in and screw things up like it did!

I divorced a 2nd time in 2006. Practically wiped me out. November of 2007 I had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. I didn't have insurance. That wiped me out. I struggled for a couple of years. Several times I thought I'd be out on the street.

Then I got a job in the music industry. I had over 11 years experience and it was the perfect fit. After a 15 year hiatus, I started playing music again, and was gaining success. I met Marcia in October of 2010. My life was going well for the first time in 5 years.

I had my 2nd heart attack in October of 2012. The bypasses arteries were fine. Three others were blocked. One at 99%. The doctors were surprised I came away relatively unscathed. Three stents later I was home and back to work. I had the swollen glands since August of 2012 and mentioned them in the hospital but their attention was on my heart.

November of 2012 was a visit to the ENT's office, biopsy and DX'd SCC stage III or IV. You gotta be kidding me! Cancer? F that! I have too many things going on to deal with cancer. I want to propose to my girlfriend, I have gigs booked into March of 2013!
Yeah... I was pissed.

I went into treatment pissed. I got beat down, kicked, punched and pummeled for 6 weeks but kept fighting back. I have too much to do!

The added aggression served me well in the fight.

Positive thoughts and prayers

"T"

[quote]Guess I missed the noble cancer warrior pose at yoga, people. Cuz I am one surly woman right now. [/quote]

It's not just the survivors who become intolerant/combatative/surly

Whilst I regularly described Alex as a tantrum throwing 2 year old on this forum, for my part, I was at least as bad if not worse. I went toe to toe with the thoracic registrar looking after Alex's lung collapse when he suggested a 4th do over of the same procedure that had already failed the previous 3 times, nailed the RO to the wall when he suggested that Alex "wasn't trying hard enough" and smacked (figuratively) the bureaucrats who hid behind illogical and inflexible "policies" for sickness benefits. Alex DID eventually receive the attention of the head of the cardiothoracic department, get the RO consult returned to his case, and get sickness benefits backdated to the date he was diagnosed.

Do I care that I ruined so many people's day? Not if they were saying or doing stupid things. I feel slightly guilty about the people who did understand but could not do anything about it though...

I have heard from many people that once one has faced a life changing experience, one's perspective changes and one becomes more tolerant as the priorities shift. 3 years later, still waiting ...

HOWEVER, Alex and I are a stronger couple for the experience, our social network has shrunk to two (our choice) and we both do what WE want to do and everyone else be dammed. We are polite about it - but that is the way it is. Alex, despite all his ongoing issues (taste, swallow, weight, teeth), says that 2012 was his best year ever and 2013 will be even better!! He describes himself as content. I am not quite where he is (still have a massive amount of "righteous indignation" when I perceive an injustice - no matter who it is aimed at) but I do agree that our relationship is more solid than I could ever have imagined a relationship could be.

I don't think I will ever reach that stage where I might consider that cancer gave us any sort of "gift". I still find that type of remark mostly offensive. Whilst Alex and I might be stronger for the experience, I would still have preferred to skip the drama of 2010/2011 and remain the weakling I once was.

PS I have no sense of balance so yoga in any pose is totally wasted on me

Yes! the aggression does serve a purpose. It gets you into the fight mode so that you can kick the horrible attack on your health. Caregivers get it too! I was SO angry that Cancer attacked my son! I would not, could not - consider even for a second any alternative but survival for him! About the guilt - don't worry about that - you can always say "sorry" later. The people close to you will understand. Right now - stay in the fight mode and it will serve you well in the days ahead. There are lots of caring people here who will help you every step of the way. So stay close and let us know what's happening.

Getting close to two years cancer free. I can look back objectively and admit that there were blessings wrapped up in this horrible disease
1) I learned how to fight - that will serve me well the rest of my life
2) I learned there are things worth fighting for
3) I learned there's a whole bunch of things that aren't. This one is a biggie! Many things I thought were so dang important before didn't amount to squat. I'm much better at letting the little stuff go and most stuff is little.

I really am a different person now and can't imagine living life like the old me

I've been in some form of treatment, surgery, testing, hospitalization, blood transfusions continuously for 3.6 years, not just 7 weeks like most, and had 5 recurrences, having to go through all the same anxiety, doctor visits, testing, waiting, and treatment, each and every time. I go to two, sometimes three doctors a week, blood tests, just as often, and this has been going in since Oct 2009. If I put everything down in my signature, it would take the whole page. I've been in fight mode ever since diagnosis, actually before that growing up lol, but I can say, I will never accept cancer did anything to improve my life. I'm happy being unhappy. Cancer made an enemy for life with me, and I don't turn the other cheek to get slapped again, or accept what cancer did. I'm the type to get revenge, and in this case, living is the best revenge.

Of course you are mad. I think that's a positive reaction but you need to shortly get that feeling out of your system, so to speak and channel that energy into joining your treatment team and defeating a disease that is trying to kill you. We will be with you as long as you want and you can always yell at us because we know exactly how you feel.

Aggression also masks fear. It's good to be angry to some degree but you also very much need to deal with the fear, hugs my dear.