At wits end. Short of cutting and pasting - I just posted under suggestions needed under symptoms etc..... Looking for anything that can help. I'm trying my best to be strong, so very hard supporting someone who can't talk and doesn't want to be fussed over who is having so many issues, it's breaking my heart daily 24/7.

I found your other post under Eating, Speech, Swallowing and Menu Ideas. Its in the right place as you asked for help with nutrition info. I did reply to that post already.

Being a caregiver is NOT an easy job at all. I would make a horrible caregiver! I just cant imagine all you must go thru and if you have a stubborn patient that makes it 10 times harder. Even on lousy days you need to be Ms Sunshine with encouraging and upbeat while being a patient advocate. Too much all at once all the while you are also trying to keep a normal lifestyle and run a household. Many caregivers seek out therapists and some take anxiety meds. Its nothing to be ashamed of, caregivers are human and have it tough too. Sounds like you are doing a good job with everything.

Hang in there and very soon this will all be a distant memory. In about another month your husband should begin to slowly have some better days. We are here to support you so please dont hesitate to hang out on the forum.

Thx

Colleen, like you said in your signature line, you are indeed in the home stretch, but it is also the time when most caregivers would feel worn out both emotionally and physically. I remember when we were at the stage that you are in now, I kept getting the thought that I couldn't do what I was doing for much longer. It was hard for me not to be able to have real conversations with my husband -- he just did not have the desire to talk because he was so tired and all his energy was going into dealing with the pain and the discomfort. I found the loneliness difficult because most people could not really understand the toughness of the treatment and so it made sharing whatever anxieties or fears I had well-nigh impossible. It is hard to believe now, but it does get better. For the time being, give yourself permission to feel upset. Come and vent on the forum. We all understand what you are going through.

It's true, Colleen - It's really tough on the survivor/patient just dealing with the assault on his body with Tx and meds. Must be especially hard on guys who are so used to being in control and being the "decider" in so many areas. Any change in life carries a lot of stress with it and the loss of a former way of life is right up there at the top of the list. It's been six+ years since the end of my son's Tx, but I still remember those gloomy days of non-communication. I asked my son once why he could brighten up and smile when his then 5-year old daughter or some of his close friends came to visit but never for me, and he told me that he only had a small amount of energy to spare and he had to "save it up" for when his daughter or others came to visit and it did help me to understand. The two weeks right after Tx ended were the worst for Paul, but by then, he was a lot better emotionally about dealing with the rough days since he knew it was definitely going to get better. Remember to take care of you, too. And stay in touch here.

Thank you all for your input and it is nice to have someone who really understands the magnitude of this pain for the patient and for the cg. It's been so hard for him as always the upbeat,can handle anything,don't need help from anybody kinda guy. He has always been the helper for others.
Its hard with no communication to know where
he is in this, on the bad days he seems so defeated and it breaks my heart. On the good days,there will be a sl bounce in his step in the morning and a smile for me. Which when he turns makes me fall apart.good at disguising when we are together, not so good otherwise, still having my meltdowns.I just hate this and hate what it has done to him and the pain he is living with just kills me as there is nothing I can do to make it better. I am relieved we are going tomorrow for GT. at least he will get some needed hydration and start getting some nutrients! It's so hard to see such a big guy waste away in front of your eyes in such a short period of time. The pain of watching your loved one deal with this is just unbearable.

Hi Colleen,
I also know exactly what you are going through. You have described my husband as well and it was so hard to see him so down. We had been married 28 years and I think I had seen him throw up once. He just never got sick.
I can remember taking showers and just sobbing in there. Then I would get out and by the time I had dried my hair my eyes weren't as puffy anymore and life went on.
There were days that I got no real communication from Kev, then other days he would try to be social. That's when I felt the worst for him because I knew how much he was hurting but he was trying to be strong for the kids and me. Most of the time he kept to himself though.
Meal time was the worst because we all felt guilty for being able to eat. It was just awful and some nights I could see it made him angry which of course made it worse.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but many of us do understand and have been in your shoes. This site was a blessing to me and got me through the end. The 3-4 weeks after tx is finished is the hardest and that is actually when I went through a major depression type thing. I can't really explain it. It was like I had this job for several months. I was the driver, listener, caregiver and very needed, then when he started getting a little better I found that I was a little lost as to what to do with myself. I still had all the same home responsibilities, kids and my mom, who lives with us, but there was this hole where I had been so needed and focused on him. Just know if you feel that way, it's normal.
Hang in there and know we are here for you.
Kathy

Thx

Colleen - sent you a PM.

Hi Colleen

I too, had the partner who went through hell, seemingly refusing to help himself or allow others to help him, hanging tough to everyone's detriment and lashing out without warning.

We are out the other side and Alex and I are stronger than ever. I found that when I realised that our reactions to things were "normal" I was better able to deal with it - I hope this knowledge gives you some comfort too.

My worst times were at night when I was dog tired, and after falling into bed would come wide awake and start churning myself up over imagined and real issues. Late at night I would wonder if I had the strength to keep going. But day after day I would awake prepared to fight another day with no thought of failure. And then it would begin all over again the next night ...

I often told my mother when she rang to check on me that I would wait to have my nervous breakdown until Alex was all sorted as I didn't have time for one right now. This became my mantra and it got me through.