Needless to say, this has been the hardest experience of my life. Having lost my little sister, my dad and my brother-in-law to cancer in the 3 yrs prior to my dx, I was more ANGRY than scared. Plus, having been on the other side of cancer, my concern for my family was traumatizing to me. Rather than be worried about MY fight, I was broken-hearted for my family - that we ALL had to even hear the word cancer again - so soon. Plus, at dx I had my first grandchild due any day and one daughter's wedding that summer. The thought that I might not be at my daughter's side in the delivery room, and might not be well enough to attend the wedding, was worse for me than the cancer ahead. I was VERY angry at cancer.
And now, even though tx is behind me, and I am cancer-free, I am still so mad at what cancer has left me with. Which, in turn, makes me angry at myself for feeling so ungrateful for this second chance I've been given. I'm suffering severe depression and hate to admit how many times the thought of not wanting to go on has crossed my mind. I have soooo many blessings in my life, but am so unhappy.
I'm sure you're all aware of how hard it is to find resources on OC. I feel like God plopped my recent copy of "CURE", which led me to this support group, into my hands right when I needed it.
It helps to read your stories and know that the things I'm experiencing are not because I'm weak and just not doing enough to get well.
I'm most interested right now to hear about others' issues with depression and how you dealt with it.
Thanks everyone. And did I say how over-joyed I am to have found you all??

You have definitely found a great place to vent and just to be.

We all understand, in some way, the emotional toll that cancer takes and of course the physical toll.

Just stick around..read everything and see what an amazing group of people contribute to this board every day.

As a caregiver, I experienced depression well after my hubby ended treatment. After everything calmed down and even with good reports for Bill, I was a wreck. I did come out of it without medical or pharmaceutical intervention, but many here will report that they had good help from counseling and drugs.

I wish you the best and hope that your family has seen the last of this disease for a long time.

Deb

Welcome to OCF! Glad you have found the forum. Its the best place to turn to for info and support. Being a survivor maybe helping others would make you feel better. Thats what helps me to keep my focus off my own problems. Its worth a shot anyway. Im one who tries to always see the positive in situations, most of the time I can. I love the fact that OCF members are such a tight-knit group, like a family where its ok to be happy, sad, upset, depressed or angry. We 'get' you!

So sorry you have become depressed and angry over your cancer. This is something that affects many survivors. Some take anxiety meds while others go thru counselors, therapists and psychologists. If you havent sought out some professionals to help you deal with your depression and anger I would suggest you give it a try. There have been many success stories from members who have needed help to get past their depression and anxiety from cancer and its treatments.

I know you have gone thru alot. Hope one day you will be able to see how fortunate you are.

Hi Wendy! So glad you found us It sure sounds like you and your family have been through more than your share of struggle. I think everyone would be in agreement with me here when I say I HATE CANCER! I'm so sorry to hear that you lost so many beloved family members from this dreadful disease. I'm also sorry you had to endure your own cancer diagnosis. That being said, I'm so glad to hear you've made it through treatment and are cancer free!!!

I can understand the fear you had about missing out on your daughters important life events. Sadly my mom didn't make it to experience those events in my life, but was lucky enough to share them with my older sister. I'm so happy that your daughters still have you here to share in those moments.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you in terms of handling life post treatment. Unfortunately my mom was only a few months out of treatment when she passed. However, I know if we had found this forum while she was going through the pain and struggle of surgical recovery, treatment, and then the depression after, we would have found a wealth of information and an amazing group of people who understood exactly what she was going through. I know many people here will be able to help guide you through this stage of recovery.

I hope you continue to do well and look forward to seeing more posts from you.

Hi welcome! You've had a tough go of it - feel free to vent here - we all totally get it! Take care - hugs!

Wendy � I�m so glad you found this wonderful soft place to fall. You will find very knowledgeable and compassionate people here. You need to give yourself some compassion, too! What you have experienced has certainly been more than enough to make anyone angry and depressed. As a caregiver, I was SO angry for all my son had to endure � being angry I think is what put the fight in me and also in him to get on with the business of recovering! I think most people get angry and depressed. Do check with your doctor re any meds or therapy that could help, though.
Here are some things I did:
1) Deep breathing � 10 in and out breaths while only concentrating on the breathing � if other thoughts interfere, then start over (Tell you cells to cut the chatter).
2) Have a Mantra, something positive and meaningful to you � a short sentence that you repeat while doing the deep breathing, i.e. �Every day in every way, I get better and better!�
3) Password: Take the first letter of each word in your mantra and include it in your password so that whenever you log in to OCF or anyplace else you will have many opportunities to think about the positive statement you�ve chosen as your mantra. To make each PW different, you could include 3 or 4 of the first letters or the place to want to log into. To make it really different, at the beg or end you could pick a meaningful (for you) number. If your mantra were �Let�s Make Oral Cancer History� that part of your PW would be LMOCH. How about that?
4) Keep busy. Help someone else on OCF or anyplace else.
5) Exercise � even if you have to start with laying in bed and placing one foot on the floor with several minutes before the other leg gets over into the floor. Walk to the mailbox, then down the block, etc.
6) Listen to music. Dance, or move to the music, even if you are all by yourself.
7) See a funny movie � I did this with my son and it made a world of difference for both of us during his recovery!
8) At one point, my family doctor did prescribe something but It wiped me out so much I had to quit so I could function and drive my son to his appointments.
9) Do something nice for yourself. I like raspberry filled dark chocolate.
10) Take care of, or get a pet. Six years later, I'm still foster mother to my son's cat who was supposed to be with me just "temporarily".
Stay with us and let us know how you are doing.

Hi, WendyB!

As the saying here goes, we're glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

I can't even imagine all that you have had to endure. I read your signature and I was stunned! How can life be so unfair? I don't know. Some of us really do get more than our fair share of battles and heartache. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through it all.

I had anxiety and depression at baseline, before my diagnosis. It was well-controlled with meds and occasional counseling. That all changed when I was diagnosed 16 months ago. I had uncontrollable anxiety before surgery and sunk into a DEEP depression thereafter, despite having a good prognosis. Cognitively, I know it's all normal, but I still feel guilty at times for feeling the way I do. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, which was cumulative due to other tragic events leading up to my diagnosis. You have had similar tragic events in a cumulative manner. It's no wonder you are depressed and angry. You are grieving MANY things and grief has no timeline. So, please be gentle with yourself. Get the help that you need when you need it. There is no shame in it and it doesn't mean that you are crazy. I have those irrational thoughts creep in all of the time.

The depression is much better, but my anxiety is still pretty bad at times and has become chronic. I am doing my best to manage it. Am I doing everything right? Hell, no! But, it's the best I can do for today.

Please come back here! We are here to support you and if you ever feel ready, you can help others with sharing your experience and understanding. That might help you in the long run!

Hugs,
Kerri

Hi Wendy,
We really do get it. Kevin struggles with depression too and some days are harder than others. I have a TON of anxiety, again some days are better than others (I take Xanax when I need to). I have found myself trying to remember what Christine says about feeling this way, acknowledging it, give it a few minutes each day and then trying to move on through the day. Please know the thoughts you have are real and you are not alone. Reach out to us, but please seek out someone you can confide in on the bad days. I have another caregiver on here that has become a great friend because we vent to each other when we need to. We had to start a new topic on messages today because we reached 100 posts on the current one. Without OCF we would not have each other and we would be alone with our fears,joys and anger, etc.
You have been hit hard and have every right to feel the way you do. We have been hit hard the last few years too. Our daughter had a stroke 4 years ago at the age of 24. It was a shock and she was in Alaska and we were in NY. Gut wrenching and still is very hard, but we try to trust God and move on. We adopted our 3 children, then a year later Kevin was dx. In between all this my 86 year old mom moved in with us and took a few good falls and has been hospitalized twice because of a platelet count of 2000. Normal is 150,000. All very scary and a cause of my anxiety I'm sure. Then I had HPV 16 in 2 abnormal paps so have just had a hysterectomy! Life goes on though. Give yourself a few minutes each day to be pissed as hell and scream, yell, kick and cry and then try to take it one step at a time.
Sorry to go on. We're here for you.
Blessings,
Kathy
PS...If you have the current CURE we are the honking picture in there discussing HPC OC!! Along with another OCF member.