Hi All!

I am new relatively new here. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago to oral cancer and have been struggling a lot. Thank you all for the warm welcome in the "Introduce Yourself" forum. Everyone here has been amazingly wonderful and supportive and I can't thank you enough. Being a caregiver to my mother was not only one of the hardest experiences of my life, but one of the most rewarding. I would not take back one minute of caring for her and I am grateful that I had the opportunity.

While I make my way through life without her, I have found myself struggling. Yes of course I miss her terribly, we were VERY close, twins in many ways. However, not having grown up with a strong religious background or affiliation, I find myself doubting what happens next... is there an afterlife? I say that really only in relation to myself. I know for sure that when friends have died, or relatives of my friends have passed away, I can say with certainty that they will always be with them... that they will be watching over them and are not forgotten or have not disappeared. However, when it comes to my own personal experience losing my mother, I can't wrap my head around it. I wonder if it's too soon, because I haven't put her out of the present and into the plane that she is (or may be) now on? I have not had any "signs" from her, felt any comfort from an invisible "hug", or experienced any after death communication of any sort... and while I am not a skeptic of these things at all, I wonder if people really only say these things as a self coping mechanism.

I am desperately praying to "feel" my mom's presence. My father told me last weekend that when she died, he saw her spirit leave her body and move toward the light with a look of amazement and realization of what happens next. I wish he'd told me this sooner! I was there and only saw my own tears and her lifeless body as she took her last breath. It gives me hope but I have yet to experience anything personally that lets me know she is with me. I have been doing a lot of reading lately on the topic and am curious if anyone here that is a caregiver that has lost a loved one has experienced any sort of after death communication. I have never been one to dismiss anything from the realm of possibility and am a dreamer of sorts, but I was raised by a "scientist" who has always looked for facts to explain things, so find myself stuck somewhere in between.

If you have any stories to share, please do, I am so terribly sad today and a little hope might do me good... <3

Today is 14 yrs ago my mom passed away. I can say that I have dreams every now and than, vivid dreams of my mom being alive and in real time, you know, like now and not when she WAS alive. And there are times my dad will be in them also. I will wake up and have to remember that they are not here. So in watching Long Island Medium on TLC Theresa Caputo, she states that when we have dreams like that, this is the spirit of your family member letting you know that they are OK and are still with you in spirit. I believe in that, I actually hope that this is what happens when you pass away that you are still around in spirit. I've asked my mom for help if I need it, for me, my kids, Ron. Though she never met Ron I'm sure she knows of him. Also I have a grandfather clock my oldest daughter bought for my mom the last Christmas she was alive(we didn't know it would be her last) but my mom refused delivery! Ya she was like that, said it was too much money! So I have it. And in the bottom I have her picture from the funeral home and my fathers and the little things I gave her while in the hospital and a Musical Merry Go Round I bought for her. I rarely wind it up BUT I will go to wind up the clock and it will start to play! I just smile at my mom's picture and wind my clock and close the door. This is what I have experienced that I can think of at the moment. Sorry for your loss, I can't say it gets easier as time goes on but you still miss your Momma. I just can't believe it's been 14 yrs already, yes on Mother's Day was her wake...Now that was sad. It still seems like yesterday.

Dear Aimlee:

I lost my best friend in the world on 10/22/11. She was 51 years old and died of liver cancer and other complications. She was the most amazing person with a huge heart and I miss her more than anyone could possibly imagine! I have a couple of Cindi stories to share with you!

She went into the hospital on Tuesday and for the most part was incoherent (not in a coma though) and I would sit with her and talk to her every day. She worked for an awesome company that sent people to clean the house and shampoo the carpet so that everything would be nice when she went home.

On Wednesday afternoon, I told her that I needed to leave for a while to meet the carpet cleaners and that I would be back. She opened her eyes, looked at me, reached out her arms and said "hold me". I put my arms around her, kissed and told her that I loved her and that I would be back.

At her house, there were papers and stuff by her chair that i picked up off the floor. On top was a purple (her favorite color) spiral notebook. Something told me to look inside. Cindi was not a journal type person but the first page was dated Good Friday 5 or 6 years ago. She talked about going to dinner with her dear friends and neighbors and then going to Good Friday services with the. She talked about how moving and beautiful the service was and that she wanted to go every year. She said when she came home she listened to her beloved Christian music. Rich Mullins (I think that's his name) was her favorite. She goes on about what a wonderful man he was and how much she admired him for his faith and what he believed in. She also said that she should have married him!! She was quite the character!! Anyway, I turn the page and read that her MOST favorite song by him was "Hold me Jesus". I got major chills and I knew that she was ready, that she hadn't been talking to me and that she wanted this song played at her service.

Her brother that she was closest to lives in Montana and got into town very early the morning that she died.He had a meeting to attend and so sadly he wasn't with her when she passed away.

On Saturday, I meet him at her house and we were looking for something that she wanted cremated with her. I looked in her nightstand and there on top was a piece of paper...she had handwritten Psalm 91....another sign. This is the prayer she wanted me to read.

Greg, her brother left the choice of music for her service up to me and I of course read Psalm 91 and Hold me Jesus was played.

She makes me laugh or cry everyday and I know she'll always be with me. And she continues to send me "signs". She had a huge heart and was the most amazing person I've ever known!

Your mom will always be with you! Maybe the signs won't be as apparent as the ones I get from Cindi, but you'll get them!!

I wish you peace.

Cathi

Oh Aimlee, I had the same close relationship with my Mom too so I know exactly how you are feeling. I had a couple of interesting experiences that I believe my Mom made happen. The first was during her graveside service. We had bought a bunch of white balloons to release after the service. The balloons were tied tightly to a sprinkler head and right before the service started the wind kicked up, released the ballooons and they all floated up into the trees. We all laughed saying Mom was making sure we knew she was there. The first Mother's Day without her I had bought a balloon and went to her grave. I was sitting there crying and talking to her (holding the balloon). The next thing I know the wind kicks up and the balloon comes over and starts stroking my arm...gave me goose bumps. I even said "Mom are you here"? Sorry...I didn't mean to write a book. Keep praying Aimlee, big cyber hugs coming your way.

Love,

Shelley

Hi Aimlee,
My dad passed away 10 years ago. He was my best friend and I missed him so bad those first few years, but the first couple of months were just gut wrenching. One night I was having a major meltdown and I told my husband that I just wanted my dad to rub his whiskers on my face one more time. He used to do that to tease me.
That night I had a dream. I was in a store of some sort and standing at the cash register when my dad said something. I turned around and looked at him and said "Daddy, you can't be here. You have passed away. What are you doing here?" He took my face, rubbed his whiskers on my face and said "There's your one last time." I am crying as I write this because of the memory. It was so very real I woke up immediately balling my eyes out and my face felt funny where he had rubbed. It was amazing and gave me so much peace to know that he was listening and watching.

I also had a dream when my Grammy passed away. I was only 17 and was not the best granddaughter in the world. I had made excuses sometimes of why I couldn't take her shopping or do something else for her. When she passed away I had such a burden of guilt for not being more attentive. In my dream I was shopping, (ironically in a store in both dreams and I hate to shop). I was in a clothes store and when I pulled back some clothes to look at them my Grammy was on the other side of the rack. I was shocked to see her, but excited too. I asked her why she was there and she told me that she just wanted me to know that I had been a wonderful granddaughter and that I needed to put my guilt away and have a happy life. Crazy, right?
So, those are 2 of my stories. I had another with my dad, but sadly I can't remember it. It was something very small. My mom was so hurt when I told her about the big dream I had had because my dad didn't come to her in a dream at all. I felt really bad and I don't know why I was blessed, but I wasn't going to apologize. I cannot wait to get to Heaven to play baseball or tennis with my earthly dad and hug my Heavenly Father!!! I KNOW that day will come and they are waiting for me.
I hope this helps.
Blessings,
Kathy

I've had too many unexplainable signs of contact from deceased relatives or friends not to believe in some kind of afterlife. My daughter has, too. Since it's almost Mother's Day, this one is about my Mother who passed away when my daughter was 11. We had flown to a hospital back East where she was very ill and near death. It was very late at night and children were not allowed in the patient rooms so I left my daughter, 11 at the time with my youngest son, Paul, just under a year old who was asleep next to her. I told her to make sure and watch him and not fall asleep. The nurses had also assured me they would watch the children. I was with my mother for some time, but she was unresponsive, just staring blankly ahead. I told her I was so sorry her granddaughter could not be with her because of the hospital rules but that she loved her and missed her. She was hooked up to different tubes and machines. After a long while of praying, telling her I was sorry for not being the kind of daughter I should have been, and hoping she would say something, I saw a single tear roll down her face. She never responded. Finally, it was quite late and I left to get the children to bed. We stayed at my mother's apartment. Later, during the night the doctor called and said they had removed the life support and my Mom had passed away.

In the morning, my daughter got up right away, was very cheerful and excitedly asked when we would be going to visit Grandma. I gently told her Grandma was very sick, had died and she was now in heaven. My daughter was so insistent saying her Grandma was not sick, that she was ok and that she wanted to visit her! I attributed it to a dream that she had after falling asleep, and forgot about it until years later.

My daughter and I were both students at the University � she a Junior and I a Freshman. We were at the Mall having an Orange Julius, comparing school notes when I happened to mention that I had written a short story for English class about her Grandma and the dream my daughter had had about her after falling asleep that night at the hospital.

My daughter insisted vehemently that she had NOT fallen asleep and that she had seen her Grandma walk down the hall, in her pink robe and slippers on the arm of a male nurse. She said her Grandma was happy and glad to see her and told her that she was fine, now and that everything was ok.

Aimlee,
I also believe that there is something beyond this life, but that sometimes our grief is so loud that we cannot hear the words, or feel the presence that we so desparately desire. My story concerns not the death of a human, but that of a dearly lovely pony. My friend had to have her put to sleep to end her suffering, and I waiting with her as the vet prepared the injection. I asked my dear departed dogs to come and help Strawberry find her way to the pastures beyond. The injection was administered, I turned my friend away from the scene before the pony went down ... and then I could feel my dogs around us, happy and joyful, and I knew Strawberry would be alright.

If you search for a sign, I believe it will be harder to find one. But if you search for good deeds to do, and comfort to give, and beauty to find in this world - you will find solace and peace in the quiet times.

Aimlee - Sometimes the signs come when you least expect them. I'm sure your Mom is close by and wanting to help you thru the sad moments. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Sometimes it is remembering the happy or funny moments you both shared that helps. And other times, shedding a tear and having some compassion for yourself is what helps. Sometimes it's just a feeling of warmth and love around your shoulders that helps you to know or feel the presence of a loved one. It can take several months or longer. Maybe talking to your Dad and sharing feelings would help both of you to find loving peace and comfort in the days ahead.

Aimee,

So sorry about your Mom. I had more of a intense and difficult relation with my mom but when she passed I was devastated for awhile so I can only imagine how you feel especially because you were so very close.

My sister and I were convinced we saw my mom in gold mercedes when were on the way to her funeral. She was dressed to the 9s and was smiling and happy. This would have been her style! Who knows- maybe it was another red headed woman but it made us laugh and smile and feel that she was at peace.

Sending you happy good vibes. Losing your mother is such a hard and sad thing. Mother's and daughters have such an intense bond.

Hope you start to feel better soon. Doing some things that she enjoyed helps me keep her in my happy thoughts - like cooking gardening and travelling- All the things she loved so much.

Honor her memory by embracing all that this life has to offer. She would want you to be happy.

She's with you everyday.

Hi Aimlee. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom 4 years ago to pancreatic cancer. She died at home under Hospice care and the last two weeks of her life were horrific. I also felt like you did when my mom first died. I do believe in Heaven and God and I knew she was going to a better place but at the time it did little to help the hurt, anger and pain. Part of me was at peace that she was in a better place and out of pain but I couldn't put the visual memories of the last two weeks of her life out of my head. The grief was all consuming and overwhelming. All I can say is it takes time. Let yourself grieve and cry. It will get better and the good memories will overcome the recent past.

I also wanted "signs" that my mom was o.k. and still around us. I do have really wonderful dreams about her now but I didn't in the beginning. My daughter, her firstborn grandchild is getting married in September. I can't explain it but I do feel her presence when Pam and I are together "wedding planning". She would be so happy! You never get over it you just get through it. Hugs