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#147605 - 03/30/12 09:57 PM Memories...  
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
CMMoore Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)
CMMoore  Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
MO, USA
I was reading through Matt's facebook posts and came across this one from a year ago...

"Chemo night from hell last night. Wife would have held my hair out of the puke if I had any. Kept me in pills and held my shivering hands with 102.5 degrees.. kept me hydrated. Now I know what it is to be loved. Love you BabyDoll."

He knew. I did everything I could. This makes me smile and cry at the same time.
The first week and a half after his passing was filled with tasks to be done.
Now that it's all calming down and I have time to think and remember I cry a lot more. I am trying to write things down so I will have them always.



CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
#147607 - 03/30/12 10:07 PM Re: Memories... [Re: CMMoore]  
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,671
Anne-Marie Offline
Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Anne-Marie  Offline
Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,671
TN
That is beautiful, Christine. He did know. An so should you. Let the tears fall. They will help to cleanse and heal the hurt. Take the time you need and so deserve just for for you. I'm sure Matt's spirit is close, soothing and holding you in his arms. Write everything down that you can It does help.


Anne-Marie
CG to son, Paul (age 33, non-smoker) SCC Stage 2, Surgery 9/21/06, 1/6 tongue Rt.side removed, +48 lymph nodes neck. IMRTx28 completed 12/19/06. CT scan 7/8/10 Cancer-free! ("spot" on lung from scar tissue related to Pneumonia.)



#147613 - 03/30/12 11:32 PM Re: Memories... [Re: Anne-Marie]  
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,260
Cheryld Offline
"OCF Canuck"
Cheryld  Offline
"OCF Canuck"
Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,260
Toronto canada
Hugs... cry... it helps.


Cheryl : Irritation - 2004 BX: 6/2008 : Inflam. BX: 12/10, DX: 12/10 : SCC - LS tongue well dif. T2N1M0. 2/11 hemigloss + recon. : PND - 40 nodes - 39 clear. 3/11 - 5/11 IMRT 33 + cis x2, PEG 3/28/11 - 5/19/11 3 head, 2 chest scans - clear(fingers crossed) HPV-, No smoke, drink, or drugs, Vegan
#147633 - 03/31/12 02:18 PM Re: Memories... [Re: Cheryld]  
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 805
KP5 Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
KP5  Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 805
NY
Oh my gosh Christine. I am trying to type this through the tears. I'm SOOOOO glad you found that. I wish you had seen it earlier when the struggle was sooo awful, but, yes, he knew. They all know. Maybe they can't express it, but they know. Thank you SOOOOOO much for sharing this.
Think of you often,
Kathy


Kathy wife/caregiver to:
Kevin age:53
Dx 7/15/11
HPV16+ SCC Stage IV BOT/R
Non smoker, casual drinker
7/27/11 Cistplatin, taxotere,5FU 2/3week sessions, followed by IMRT 125cgy x 60 (2x daily) w/Erbitux weekly. Last rad 10/26/11. Last Erbitux 10/27/11
PEG placed 9/1/11 Removed 11/8/11
Clear PET 10/12 and 10/13 and ct in 6/14
#147639 - 03/31/12 04:36 PM Re: Memories... [Re: KP5]  
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 493
zengalib Offline
Platinum Member (300+ posts)
zengalib  Offline
Platinum Member (300+ posts)

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 493
NW Ohio
Oh, wow, Christine, what message you discovered! Hugs to you!


Female, nonsmoker, 70, diag. 5/09 after tongue biopsy: stage IV. Left hemi-gloss. and left selec. neck disec. 30 lymph nodes removed May 20. Over 7 weeks daily rads. with three chemo. PEG removed 12/4/09 Am eating mostly soft foods. Back to work 11/09 Retired 4/1/11. 7 clear scans! Port out 9/11. 2/13. It's back: base of tongue, very invasive
surgery involving lifestyle changes. 2/14: Now speaking w/Passey-Muir valve. Considering a swallow study. Grateful to be alive.
#147675 - 04/01/12 09:42 PM Re: Memories... [Re: zengalib]  
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 592
Bob Whyte Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Bob Whyte  Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 592
Vermont
SEMPER-FI Bob


Bob age 57, non smoker,non drinker, ended treatment on 11 Nov 2007 and started back to work on 29 Nov 2007. Veterans Day 2012 the Battle was lowered, folded, Taps was played and the Flag buried as I am know a 5 year survivor. Semper-FI !!!
#147695 - 04/02/12 02:45 PM Re: Memories... [Re: Bob Whyte]  
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 475
slim Offline
Platinum Member (300+ posts)
slim  Offline
Platinum Member (300+ posts)

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 475
PA
Sigh - so happy you found that message. Maybe it was put in your path to remind you how much Matt loved and appreciated you. You were a wonderful caregiver and I wish you happy memories and calmer days.


Wanda (47) caregiver to husband John (56) age at diag.
1-13-09 diagnosed Stage IV BOT SCC (HPV+)
2-12-09 PEG placed, 7-6-09 removed
Cisplatin 7 weeks, 7 weeks (35) IMRT
4-15-09 - treatment completed
8-09,12-09-CT Scans clear, 4-10,6-11-PET Scans clear
4-13 - HBO (30 dives) tooth extraction
#147716 - 04/03/12 02:35 PM Re: Memories... [Re: slim]  
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
CMMoore Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)
CMMoore  Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
MO, USA
Loving the happy memories that come back. I hate that it feels like I put them all aside for so long to focus on the "task at hand"

Advice to all of you. Keep the memories fresh and alive through the whole process. Pictures, journals, whatever... just don't let cancer take them away at any part of the journey.



CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
#147756 - 04/04/12 01:45 AM Re: Memories... [Re: CMMoore]  
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 805
KP5 Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
KP5  Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 805
NY
Thanks Christine. How are his daughters doing? I can only imagine how you are doing. I'm sure it's different by the minute. Think of you almost every day and pray that you are in peace.
Kathy


Kathy wife/caregiver to:
Kevin age:53
Dx 7/15/11
HPV16+ SCC Stage IV BOT/R
Non smoker, casual drinker
7/27/11 Cistplatin, taxotere,5FU 2/3week sessions, followed by IMRT 125cgy x 60 (2x daily) w/Erbitux weekly. Last rad 10/26/11. Last Erbitux 10/27/11
PEG placed 9/1/11 Removed 11/8/11
Clear PET 10/12 and 10/13 and ct in 6/14
#147768 - 04/04/12 07:31 AM Re: Memories... [Re: KP5]  
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
CMMoore Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)
CMMoore  Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
MO, USA
The youngest daughter is surrounded by love and faith and family and is doing very well. The oldest daughter is going through a process much like my own. She/and I spend the first week in shock, avoiding anything emotional.
She said last week was quite rough, and I assured her that I am here if she wants to talk.
A grief counselor from hospice came and told me of a support group locally where the kids can talk to their peers about the loss they have experienced. It will be great.
The counselor was confident that I would be just fine, since my overall demeanor was one of happiness.
I just don't see the point in be unpleasant. It's a curse sometimes, but that's just me.

Anyway, I miss you gals/guys and appreciate all of you. Thanks for taking the journey with me.

Christine


CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
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