I just want to reiterate what all the absolutely lovely, compassionate, empathetic posters above have advised.
I am crying buckets with you and for you too - and for me.
To me, you are coping amazingly well. Thing is we don't have any choice, this escalator keeps going.
I am pleased your daughters now have a fuller appreciation of what you are dealing with 24 hours a day. My sons are 26, 24 and 20. They too are involved in our family journey. This is their dad. They have a right to know and only then can they make a decision on how they will react/ cope. Thing is I want to protect them and them me. Embrace your girls, I'm sure they will now be there for you both.
I hope you do get yourself a little dog, pets bring such unconditional love and
solace.
Lots of hugs and love to you,
Tammy

So, the day started on a rough note. He wasn't wanting to get up, so I had to put on my "mean nurse" hat and make him get going. Then we fought over meds because he wanted his morphine again too soon and I took the bottles away. He proceeds to put on a "then I'm not going" pout, so I tossed him the bottles and said, "whatever, take them all, what does it matter... just get in the **** car." He's using the walker and he lets me help him down our front steps and into the car.
20 min drive over to radiation clinic. He gets out of the car, takes two steps with the walker and fell back into my arms.
I lowered him to the ground easy enough, thank goodness I was there.
I had to lift him upright ease him back into the car and go inside the clinic for a wheelchair. Walking was no longer possible.
When we got home, I got his wheelchair to bring him inside, and at the steps, I had to pick him up and set him on each step.
I am SO going to be feeling this tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning, the CNA comes to help with his shower, then a social worker is coming by with power of attorney and advanced directives. I believe I will unload on him while he's here.
Maybe he will have suggestions.

I'm not sleeping worth a damn, even the meds I was given to help with it have stopped helping. Between the puppy cries at night and the cough Matt has had for the lasts couple of nights, I have been completely out of my head. I am almost ready to set up my spare bed in the family room so I can maybe get some sound rest.

Work benefits kick in tomorrow, so I'll get back to the doc soon, partly for my back which is long overdue for adjustments, and for my sleep.

I did get some 1 on 1 time with the radiation doc today and discussed the confusion and random thoughts and statements, he gets and MRI of the brain on Friday afternoon.
At least I will know if I am dealing with the narcotics or if it's met to the brain.
I told the doc, that I appreciated the action since the progression of his condition points to that area being a logical site for more cancer.
She asks, "are you a nurse" I said, No, I just read up on this A LOT!!!!

Going to try and finish the housework.
Daughter is coming over again tomorrow evening while I am working. Then I am off again on Friday.

Talk to you all soon. Thank you for all the hugs, prayers, and continued love and support. You all mean the world to me.

Thanks for the update, Christine - I'm glad you have people checking in with you and helping with Matt's care. I'm awed at you emotional and physical strength and all that you've taken the initiative to learn about Matt's care. It's no wonder the radiation doc asked if you were a nurse! You have probably already earned an "Honorary degree" in nursing by now! You do need some sleep, though to be able to keep going. If a spare bed in the family room helps, by all means go for it! Let the housework go or just do the parts that show. About the puppy, it's been a long time since I had a puppy, and I don't know how young yours is, but what we did at night was put our puppy in a box just big enough for him to fit into with holes cut so he could see out and he was fine all night, especially after the cat came over and took a look at what was making the noise and walked away. Maybe a soft stuffed animal for him to cuddle with would help? Let us know what happens with your doc and the back adjustments. Hope you can get some replenishing sleep for yourself soon.

Christine,
You are doing a marvelous job. What a wonderful caregiver you are. I am sure that somewhere deep in his soul he appreciates it. When I first had my surgery, our dog would come up to me and lay her head on my shoulder, like she knew where the problem was. It was very comforting. God bless you and stay as strong as you are able. I am glad that you have help during this rough time. Feel free to vent whenever you wish. We are all here for you.

Christine,

Hang in there girl, you are doing an amazing job. When our dogs were puppies and they would cry at night, I use to put a ticking clock next to them and that helped. I was told it sounds like their Mother's heartbeat. And I have to admit, my latest dog, when she was a puppy and would start to cry, I let her sleep with me. I know I'm bad...:) Sending prayers for you and Matt. Thanks for keeping us updated.

Hugs,

Shelley

I did get a TON of things accomplished around the house yesterday. SO many laundry loads, then took our bed apart to remove the frame. I'd convinced him to spend some time in the family room recliner while I got the linens changed. While he napped, I went to work making the area a little safer for his falls that are bound to happen. My son and I managed to get his wheelchair up the mercifully few steps to the main level of the house, and as soon as he entered the room he started cussing the changes. Well, he was sure singing a different tune when I mentioned it's a lot closer to the floor for when he dives for it head first!
We seem to be combatant a lot still. It sucks, but I will remember the better times once we get through this.
The social worker came today and we filled out medical POA and advanced directives today. It took a very long time to. While he started out cohesive, he quickly went downhill and started taking apart the poor mans binder wanting to know what "secret" forms he was REALLY signing, and talked about some person in England that was listening to everything... Oh dear!
He is sleeping now. I read some of the booklets that the hospice company left in their folder regarding end stages etc. he is already showing signs expected in those with less than a month remaining.
On one hand it's all so fast. On the other, it's been a very long three years.

Oh my goodness, Christine! - You are doing a super-awesome job of taking care of so many things! I hope you are able to get some sleep for yourself and take care of You. I'm glad you were able to re-arrange furniture to make things a little easier and lessen the chances of Matt's falling. Sending hugs your way and hope for some good, peaceful moments for you and Matt. (and the puppy, too!)

I understand what you are expressing in your last post. Know that there are many of us here who are with you in spirit and will be thinking of you and Matt each day, hoping for peace as much as possible. Take care. Karen

Good day everyone!
Everything is much the same here. He sleeps most of the time.
My job has been quite busy most of the time and doesn't give me time to think about things. I am glad I took the position!
My puppy sleeps at my feet during the later part of my shift. She's turning out to be a great choice as well, getting my teenager to help out more is my next big challenge!
Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Christine

So glad to see this post. Breathe while you can!! Puppies can be wonderful comforters.
Good luck with the teen thing....battling that here too.
Thinking of you,
Kathy