Hi everyone,

My name is Sallie and my husband was diagnosed with Stage4 head & neck cancer mid June this year, he has had surgery & is entering his second to last week of radiation & chemo, he has a feeding tube as well. This is hard to watch him suffer. My friends keep asking me if I am okay & I want to scream that I am not, but don't. So glad I found this forum, a place where people understand ~

Hi Sal! Welcome to OCF! The job of a caregiver is very difficult. To me, caregivers are angels!!!! They must play advocate and stand up for the patient, care for the patient and keep their feelings hidden while watching someone they love go thru heck. Not an easy task at all. I hope you will try to take a few minutes every single day just for you. Take a walk around the block, a long soak in a nice hot bath, go out to lunch with some friends, or take in a movie. Just a few ideas to help you to take a break. Many times caregivers end up on anxiety meds or seeking out a therapist to talk to. You have come to the right place for support. We 'get' you!

Hi Sallie,
Congratulations on rounding the finish line.

I know you are not okay. You are worried. You feel helpless because you can't do anything to get rid of your husband's pain. You know what he needs to do but it hurts you to push him to do something that is unpleasant and painful. You have responsibilities that you didn't ever think you would have to deal with in addition to all the daily stuff that doesn't stop coming despite cancer disrupting your life. You are tired physically and emotionally...and you are probably angry.

Friends don't always get it. When a friend told me I wasn't being positive enough right after the diagnosis, I went off all over her. People don't often understand that our emotions are going through a process. They want us to talk about it, but they are sometimes critical of what we say...so we self-censor. None of it is helpful. A friend who doesn't understand needs to just listen and be compassionate. If they are able, they can offer to run an errand, help with the kids, etc. If a friend makes an offer, don't be shy to accept. It makes people feel good and if it helps you...it's a gift.

The only people who will truly understand you are people who are caring for a spouse with cancer. While many of our wonderful caregivers are taking care of their parents or children, it is different when the patient is your spouse. You are caring for the person you share your life and love with on a different and more intimate level. Your life is woven so intricately with your spouse's life, that virtually your entire life will be affected. But, take heart. Treatment ends and life does get better. Before you know it, your husband will no longer be a patient but he'll be a survivor and you will no longer be a caregiver, but you will be a co-survivor.

You have found a wonderful resource--actually, a family. Welcome to the OCF forum.

Hi, Sallie
When people asked me how I was doing when my husband was in treatment, I tended to burst into tears. It was very frustrating. However, one of my friends would badger me into going out to lunch with her. It was VERY good for me, and let me take better care of my husband when I got back home. The next few weeks are going to be difficult for both of you, but remember that to be able to care for your husband you have to care for yourself as well. It's not selfish, it's sensible! We have made it through, and you will too.

Hi there - and welcome! Sorry you and your family have to go through this. Glad you found the forum, everyone here understand what you're going through so despite thr fact that you may feel alone you're not. the next few weeks will be hard, but here is light at h end of the tunnel. Take care and hugs to you!

Hey Sallie : ) I'm a cancierge too and get you! Feel free to "google" my name here to see my posts as I've vented and received so much great support.

It's a tough job. As tough in many ways as the person actually WITH the cancer imho. So whatever you have to do to destress so you can focus, do it. It will only help your patient which is the point. My hubs just needed to get out of the house once a week or so to be with friends and he was fine. Sometimes that wasn't doable but most it was. Gotta find your method, your routine, and just embrace it. Only thing is, try not to leave your patient alone.... treatments are hard and unpredictable, so if you need to get out make sure someone is there to watch him in your place.

Thank you to all : )

Sallie - I am so glad you found this place! You will always find someone here who has been where you are, plus there is so much great information available and best of all a very compassionate ear to help you get thru the experience. My son was already in Rad Tx when I found OCF and I don't know what I would have done without the knowledgeable help and advice and great ideas I found here. I know it is so hard to watch someone you love suffer so much and to know what to say or do. Stay with us, come here often and let us know how you both are doing.

vent vent vent that's what we are all here for! It sucks I know, we've all been there and know where you are coming from. Good Luck!!