Well, my dad sent me this site. I don't know if he posts here or not. He's been very private about his cancer, and I have not pressed. But since I'm here, I figured I might as well post, and be involved. My dad is working on 4 yrs of cancer free, but he had a tumor in his gums, that had been seen, but undetected for quite some time. The surgeon had reccommeded a radical surgery, involving some serious facial and neck surgery. He bucked the system, and got second opinions. He ended up having about half of his upper jaw removed, and a prosthesis put in place. He has problems eating still, but he seems to be coping with it. Notice I didn't say COPING WELL. I think he's depressed. He's been very private about the whole thing, and I haven't pressed. IT'S HIS CANCER! I love him tremendously, and I would never impose. Anyway, I'm here to make sure I am doing the right thing. I am here to make sure that I shouldn't be pressing. That I should just be holding his hand. That I should just love him, and ask no questions. Maybe he wants me to ask questions. But, I'm sure the people here can give me the advice I need.

At least I hope!

Daughter,
I think in your heart you know what your dad needs....if he is a private person, then maybe he prefers to remain that way. It's a tough call...and you are doing all you can by just being there for him. My mom was extremely private, and I am complete opposite! I want to know details, and rip everything apart until I'm aware of situations. My mom, on the other hand, prefered to keep her head in the sand and remain in the dark about cancer as well as most other things in her life. Everyone has their own way of dealing (or not dealing) with things, and now, after a long struggle, my motto is.." to each his very own".....just know that you can't do anything to make him feel or think differently, and be there for him, even if all you can do is hold his hand and say I love you.

I guess maybe that's where my confusion lies. He has always been the kind to rip it apart and figure it all out. And he has, to some extent, he sent me here after all. He goes to survivor meetings, and has spoken a few times. He even wrote an article taht was published in the survivor newsletter about bucking the system, not accepting the doctor's prognosis, and looking for alternitive treatments. I think that's theraputic for him. At this point, he's doing okay. I just worry about him and his lifestyle, high stress, schmoozing clients (ie, drinking socially) and like I said I know he still smokes, and hides it. But you're right, I'm powerless there. He will make his choices, and he does it knowingly. So, I will sit back and watch and step up when prompted. Thanx for your reply.

Knowing when to step up and when to back off is important. I honestly do understand where you are coming from....although my mom didn't research or go to many groups, she asked for advice when she wanted, and other times, I felt like it was a guessing game! Email me anytime if you ever want to talk, or IM me if you want...seems like we have much in common....good luck!

Okay Sweetheart, here I am.......Sent you here and I've only now arrived....ha

I'm not private. I'll answer ANY question you have. I choose not to burden you with my situation nor do I choose to force my views on you, my lovely daughter, or anyone else around me. One of the absolute worst things in life is to be introduced to a reformed alcoholic or a newly born again Christian.....No offense intended for either please. You can just be totally unbearable in your crusades.

Cancer is a personal thing to some degree. It's something you have to learn to deal with on a personal level. It's traumatic, it reminds you of your mortality or in my case makes you realize it, it does a lot of things to your mind, some of which are impossible to share.

It's very difficult to explain. I've always thought I had a better than average command of the language and written word, but there's a lot about the emotion of cancer that escapes that. I don't know that I can properly or efficiently ennunciate what a person goes through, once diagnosed.

I'm gonna stop right here. I'm getting hungry and the night is wearing on. Love and compassion to all who have the patience to read this.

Cowboy

Cowboy,

Welcome aboard. You are so right about the emotional aspects that come with the diagnoses of cancer. Two years later, I still have problems dealing with the fact that things will never be the same. By the way I agree with you on born again Christians and recovering alcholics. I being a former smoker just try and keep my mouth shut when it comes to talking about cigarettes.

Again, Welcome aboard. Take care Anne.