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Joined: Jul 2010
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i've tried to stop his drinking and smoking believe me i have tried. I'm a broken record. He's and addict and alchoholic...and before i met him he had gone to rehab and aa. nothing works. if he won't quit on his own and this isn't making him quit either than all i can say is i tried since 2007 when he was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and he went back to it and i told him that it was going to do nothing but cause problems and lo and behold Cancer of the tongue! And yet after this dramatic surgery and all he still smokes and drinks and believe me I can't "bitch" anymore than I do now. I've actually have told him he may have to move out of my house because I am not going to watch him kill himself. frown


CG to Ron
Out of Pain 4/3/13
4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment
1/13/12 lung biopsy
6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins
Clear 12/10
Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out
RAD 30 8/10
DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO
12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08
passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
SUEZ #123608 10-26-2010 07:14 AM
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well he ate Chili yesterday!!! Yay! Not alot of course but he ate it and only complaint was that it was spicey. He had water to wash it down but only did it twice. My son is a Sous Chef and made the chili at work and brought us some and it was really finely made, finely as in good and finely as in he had his meat ground really fine as well as the veggies. Only thing you could see chunky were the beans. Which I mushed them up and picked the skins out(and ate em myself lol) he mentioned maybe some tuna salad which I made him this morning for later, one step at a time. the hard ones are the smoking and drinking, and believe me people you can tell me till you all are blue in the face, cuz it will match my face too. you can't make an addict stop unless they want to no matter what has happened to them obviously and he has't hit that yet. and he may never.


CG to Ron
Out of Pain 4/3/13
4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment
1/13/12 lung biopsy
6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins
Clear 12/10
Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out
RAD 30 8/10
DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO
12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08
passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
SUEZ #123617 10-26-2010 09:38 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,671
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Hurray for the Chili! Your son must be some Super Sous Chef! And Suez, you are such a good caregiver to pick the skins out of the beans for your cancer survivor. You probably would peel a grape for him, too if that's what he asked for. I know what you mean about the smoking. My older son (not Paul, the cancer survivor) has smoked since his early teens and right now my "bitching" is down to 2 - 3 times a year. If I had big bucks, I think I would send him on one of those smoke-free month long cruises I heard about some time ago.


Anne-Marie
CG to son, Paul (age 33, non-smoker) SCC Stage 2, Surgery 9/21/06, 1/6 tongue Rt.side removed, +48 lymph nodes neck. IMRTx28 completed 12/19/06. CT scan 7/8/10 Cancer-free! ("spot" on lung from scar tissue related to Pneumonia.)



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Thanks Anne-Marie. The only time I think he didn't smoke was when he was in a coma for 2 weeks with his bout of Non Hodgkins in 08.He's just simply stupid. He won't do anything to stop either. I have tried. I wish I could just give him a shot and stop him or secretly drop some Chantix or Wellbutrin in a drink! Something, but you just can't make somebody stop if they don't want to period. Everybody on here can tell me to make him stop but that is just impossible, you can't make a grown man stop anything he don't want to stop doing. It is his call, it's his life he can make either the right or wrong choices. Nobody is gonna stop him except himself. So if he has another bout he told me that "I" would be happy cuz I said "I told you so" and I said no I wouldn't be happy cuz said "I told you so" I'd be sad because you didn't listen. frown


CG to Ron
Out of Pain 4/3/13
4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment
1/13/12 lung biopsy
6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins
Clear 12/10
Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out
RAD 30 8/10
DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO
12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08
passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
SUEZ #123621 10-26-2010 01:53 PM
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 638
klo Offline
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Hi Suez
This is your disease too. Has your husband considered what he is doing to you and your relationship. Does he even care?

I found in my own situation, that I finally had a response, when I burst into tears and told my ALex that I was not strong enough to go through this again and maybe I should just leave now and save the agony. It hasn't stopped him yet, but it has slowed him down dramatically, he has started taking anti-smoking medication and he doesn't smoke in front of me. He has promised to stop when he has his teeth (next week).

I had tried giving him the facts (he has a 50/50 chance smoke free which goes down to a 25% chance of survival if he keeps smoking). I tried guilting him into it (I gave up smoking for him, why couldn't he give up for himself?). I tried belittling him (correcting him everytime he started a sentence with " I am intelligent enough to ..." by pointing out the ultimate stupidity of smoking). The last strategy nearly broke us up as my own rising blood pressure was finally matched by Alex himself.

Now maybe all of these strategies had an effect, but it was the "what about me" strategy that has finally hit home. Whether this is enough to achieve total abstinence, I don't know and only time will tell, but I continue to hope as I don't particularly want to grow old alone.

Karen


Karen
Love of Life to Alex T4N2M0 SCC Tonsil, BOT, R lymph nodes
Dx March 2010 51yrs. Unresectable. HPV+ve
Tx Chemo x 3+1 cycles(cisplatin,docetaxel,5FU)- complete May 31
Chemoradiation (IMRTx35 + weekly cisplatin)
Finish Aug 27
Return to work 2 years on
3 years out Aug 27 2013 NED smile
Still underweight
klo #123624 10-26-2010 02:18 PM
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Posts: 135
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Suez, I strong suggest that you go to Al-anon. You are powerless over your husband's addiction but you are are capable of learning to live your life in spite of what his bad choices are. Unfortunately most alcoholics die of the disease or side effects of it. If oral cancer and non-hodgkins didn't get his attention, I'm not sure what would. Hope you will take care of yourself.

D


Aunt diag. 2/4/10 with SCC Stage I/II on left side of tongue. Surgery 2/19/10 part. gloss./neck diss. on left side/free flap from chest muscle. TI/II,NO,MO. Clear margins with perineural invasion. Started rads 4/8/10 - 35 treatments, finished 5/26/10.
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Suez - I totally agree with what D said about going to Al-anon. My ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic and I went to Al-Anon. When I left after that first meeting, I felt like a giant load had been lifted off my shoulders. After 20 years of marriage, I finally realized that I could not "fix him" and that it was not my responsibility to make him quit smoking. He died a few years ago. You are right, tho' you can't make him stop unless he wants to. The difficulty is instilling in him the desire to do so. What he is doing by continuing to smoke is slow suicide.
Karen - I like how you handled your own situation and the results that you saw. Hope they continue to be positive.
And one more thing - Suez, being a caregiver can be a pretty tough job, so think about doing something nice for yourself every once in a while.


Anne-Marie
CG to son, Paul (age 33, non-smoker) SCC Stage 2, Surgery 9/21/06, 1/6 tongue Rt.side removed, +48 lymph nodes neck. IMRTx28 completed 12/19/06. CT scan 7/8/10 Cancer-free! ("spot" on lung from scar tissue related to Pneumonia.)



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klo Offline
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just need to correct a comment I made in my previous post.

It is not that I don't want to grow old alone it is that I don't want to do it without Alex.

Re our partner's behaviours - Anne Marie is dead on. The only behaviour we can change is our own. Most of us caregivers would lose a lot of our stress and worry if we could only live with that truth.


Karen
Love of Life to Alex T4N2M0 SCC Tonsil, BOT, R lymph nodes
Dx March 2010 51yrs. Unresectable. HPV+ve
Tx Chemo x 3+1 cycles(cisplatin,docetaxel,5FU)- complete May 31
Chemoradiation (IMRTx35 + weekly cisplatin)
Finish Aug 27
Return to work 2 years on
3 years out Aug 27 2013 NED smile
Still underweight
klo #123671 10-27-2010 05:57 AM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 531
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Posts: 531
oh btw he's not my husband, we are not married, and we both say Thank God we didn't because of the medical bills. He is on total disablitly has been since 08. I own my house(won it fair and square from my divorce!:))And believe me I do things for myself. Every Tuesday I go out with my youngest daughter to BW3's for Wing night! Since I really don't have to cook I go out to dinner with my daughters as much as we can afford, one benefit if that is what you would say, of Ron not eating. BUT last night he did a whole bowl of Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal! And loved it. and later he had a bowl of Rainbow sherbert! So he is coming around to eating, I just hope he does it everyday. He also did not drink! So...I can only hope. I'm OK all been with him 13 yrs and have done what I want to do when I want to do it, he does not tie me down. I got 3 kids and 3 grandkids so I am a busy person. He is a handyman and he does beautiful work around the house and yard when he feels up to it. And sometimes I just wonder where he gets the stregnth and energy.


CG to Ron
Out of Pain 4/3/13
4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment
1/13/12 lung biopsy
6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins
Clear 12/10
Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out
RAD 30 8/10
DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO
12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08
passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
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