Dawn

I replied to your PM on salvage surgery but after talking with my wife, I wanted to post here also. She reminded me how her beloved grandmother had aggressive surgery for her heart and a pacemaker when she was 81 which let her live until 98. But those extra 17 years caused her nothing but sorrow.
I'm with EricS on this one. No doctor really explained the day to day complications and trials that result from surgery, in my case because they were afraid I'd just fly off to Amsterdam for death with dignity (Oregon has a one year waiting period and all the doctors said without the surgery, I'd have less than that) My grandmother in law had that surgery because she felt her children and grandchildren expected it, and it's true they did not want her to die. However she lived to regret it.
Your dad is already on a feeding tube, surgery or radiation or chemo is not going to get him off one, instead they will make it permanent just like mine. This has to be your dad's decision and while you are an amazing daughter, willing to move cross county to tend to your dad, he deserves to know all the gory details so he can make a choice that works for him. As I PMed you, all the doctors tell me its unrealistic for me to expect to live until 85 but I don't think I'd do it again at that age. I needed to see my son graduate from college and enter law school, so salvage surgery made sense for me. There was a good chance I would not even survive my surgery (8 hours and an ENT surgeon and plastic surgeon taking turns)and I'm 22 years younger than your dad and was in excellent physical shape.
Finally here are two links to what I feel are good articles. they may raise more questions than they answer, but as you say, you are trying to gather information
Treating Recurrence
Toughest time in battling cancer
Again, you are a wonderful daughter and caregiver. Your dad must be very proud of the way he raised you. My prayers are with you at this terrible, terrible time
Charm

Charm - thanks for the PM and this note - it really helps to try and put all of this into perspective for us.. I think my dad did mention to my mom he wanted to go to Holland for this reason and I do think he feels like he does not want to leave all of us behind and would like to see his grandchildren grow up.. and has not come to terms with his condition.. and is looking for some way out of this.. We will have the surgeon have a candid conversation with him about the gory details he may endure IF he even makes it through the surgey. Again, thanks for the additional info and links. Dawn

Hi Dawn (what a lovely name - same as my sister's)

You are in a tough situation but you really need to find out from your Dad what his expectations are about life.

My Alex lost his Mum two weeks ago (cancer even rarer than OC) and it has become very clear that she made a decision not to treat or to tell anyone she was dying. Whilst I don't agree with her decision not to tell, I can see why she did it. She opted for no treatment to arrest the cancer and if the family had been informed, she may have felt compelled to seek treatment for her family's sake rather than go gracefully and quickly which she achieved with her usual style.

She came to Australia early July (to say goodbye to her son as it turns out), returned home and was admitted to hospital early August. She died early October after 8 weeks (or thereabouts) of very effective pain management and after refusing to leave hospital (she said)

Charm,

thank you for sharing your thoughts for everyone to read my friend. You never cease to amaze me.