so, update on the situation, my fiance got more clarification this weekend. FIL would not want to come to the wedding A) because he might be in reconstruction, and B) he would be too self-conscious and would not be able to talk/participate.
fiance wants to get married, as do i, we are ready and want to spend our life together.
fiance feels caught in the middle of me and his parents.
i make comments that i would rather have his dad feel uncomfortable and BE THERE rather than risk the chance that we delay it to an uncertain time and him not know whats going to happen-- and fiance says he cant think this way, even though he acknowledges that it's possible, he wants to believe his dad will be better a year from now and wont plan assuming otherwise.
however, i also just found out that FIL will be attending my fiance's graduation in may (two months from now)- when i asked why he was not too self conscious to attend that, but would the wedding in september, fiance's response was that he thinks the graduation wont be as hard on his dad because he wont know anyone and he wont need to talk- but the wedding he'll know everyone.
this doesnt make sense to me, can anyone relate? i tried to explain that this is a time where he should be leaning on relatives, not shutting them out, these are the people that know him, love him, and accept him for who he is.
i honestly dont know what to do.
i told fiance we need to sit down and have a face to face meeting all together and hear each other out.

Palm,

I have a loved one with anxiety disorder and have run smack dab into this very issue. They can go places where strangers are because they do not worry about how a stranger will Judge them. They have a very difficult time going to events where they know people because those people will judge them and they care about that judgment.

Of course the judgment they fear is always a negative and never a positive. They simply freeze up at social gatherings.

A number of us with OC face what Brian calls "Situational" or short term disorders. This is almost always situational depression that is more often then not short term. I think there are other situational disorders and situational anxiety is probably among them. In short, your FIL is facing situational anxiety regarding how his loved ones and friends will judge his condition. To the outside observer it is an irrational fear, as you say, � these are the people that know him, love him, and accept him for who he is�. To someone with severe anxiety, these are the people they fear seeing the most.

I know how frustrated you are, the solution to your FIL�s unease is not something you can rationalize with logic. This is an emotional condition so try and recognize the fear aspect. It may help your perception in a sit down.

FYI: I have found that showing how frustrated you are with the fact that their fear is not logical is very upsetting to them as they see that fear as perfectly logical. Stay Calm.

It may not be easy to do but what about moving the wedding up to eliminate any problems being around the reconstruction?

we cant move the wedding up because we've already put several deposits down at our venue which is extremely popular and we got one of the only dates left for teh whole year with our date.

the issue really is no longer about issues round reconstruction, more so being self conscious.

kelly, i appreciate your insight to social anxiety. i was a psychology major in college so i do understand what you are saying. i know that my frustration wont help so i do need to remain calm. how can i help them get over this? does it just take time?

Perhaps you can keep going with all your plans as scheduled and when the time comes if he wants to attend, terrific, but if not, that decision should be respected. Your FIL will come to terms and adapt to the major changes when he is ready. As long as he knows that he has support from family, and if he should need it from a professional he is aware that that is also available to him, in time he will be able to deal with everything.

After treatment, I chose not to attend a family wedding because I just wasn't feeling good about myself and would have felt uncomfortable for several reasons. Everyone in my family accepted and totally supported my decision and never questioned it.


Karen

thanks Karen. i would suppport his decision if he felt he could not attend.
what im trying to come to grips with is them thinking we are postponing it, which i do not want to do.

You sound like a very caring daughter in law to be.

My suggestion would be to sit down and talk with him and share all the wedding arrangements with him and in doing so let him know that whatever his decision will be when the day arrives, you and your fiance will be behind him 110 per cent.

Karen

Come on down to Gulfport. We do weddings at my wife's restaurant and I'll make sure you get your date!

Another suggestion, elope and then have your "wedding" whenever boss dad says it's OK with him. BTW will your hubby to be have to consult with his dad on other things post marriage? Don't mean to sound short but IMO son needs to have a man to man with his pop and tell him this wedding is not about him.

what i am going to suggest to them is that if the time comes and they are too self coonscious to attend, we will go up to where they live and have a private ceremony the day or two afterwards.
its not in my heart to elope or do a private wedding, i've always dreamed of my "big day"...

David:
Gretna Green, Florida Branch?

M