Palmtree

As I suspected, your FFIL (future father in law) is really the problem here. You should urge him or your FMIL to join the OCF and its forum so they can get a better grip on understanding that waiting until after reconstructive surgery is no guarantee that FFIL will be able to attend your wedding even if you postpone it a year! You are in a difficult spot here.
Why not let you fiancee read the links on Roger Ebert who did have all the jaw surgery and found out the hard way that sometime the first one doesn't work. Maybe he can share it with his dad. The basic problem is a false assumption that waiting is going to make your FFIL feel better and be more able to deal socially with a wedding. While he may hope for that, it simply does not comport with any experience of surgery I have read about or for that matter undergone myself.
I have a son but cannot understand your FFIL's reluctance. If he were to educate himself, he would urge you to move up the wedding not postpone it. Just my opinion.

Charm

Charm as usual, very good advice.

If I were a future father-in-law, with a similar medical condition, I would not want my son's (or daughter's) wedding -- certainly one of the most important days of his/her life -- be postponed on my account, regardless of how uncomfotable it may be for me to attend their wedding on their planned date. Rather, I would want to see them wed now, while I am still with them.

I have a relative who passed away a few years ago from a late-diagnosis stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She had a boyfriend for a long time and had plans to get married at some point in the future. When they learned about the inevitable, they made arrangements and got married on her death bed in the hospital. She passed away a few days later.

I would have done the same if I were the boyfriend.

Palmtree,

I agree with everyone here that you ought to continue with your wedding plans.

My husband and I are in a similar situation in that we have 2 family weddings (April and September) to attend this year. The concern for my hubby is that having just had his jaw reconstruction in November, he is not sure he will be able to go to these events. The recovery is slow, he has severe pain when he eats, still uses the PEG, and the skin graft is not healing. This jaw recon is probably at least a 2 stage project. We were hoping that the next surgery will be next November but it will likely be scheduled within the next few weeks. His issues need attention now.

We have had the highest expectations with his jaw recon, but there are variables and many of them are unpredictable. So, we do what we can, and live our lives as best as we can. We hope to get to the all the family events but we may miss some. I would never expect my niece or nephew to cancel their special days because we might not be there. I would consider going to the weddings alone. Life goes on and Clark doesn't want me to miss the family gatherings either.

Best wishes as you plan your beautiful wedding.

Anita

thanks all, i dont really think that he expected us to cancel or change our date, in fact he never said that. the message that was relayed to me through my fiance was that he "probably wouldn't be able to attend". im not sure if that statement was made due to feeling uncomfortable and self conscious, or because he felt he would be in the middle of the surgery.

charm, thank you for the link, i will read and share.
thank you all for your advice and relating to what we are going through. it is very helpful!!!

oops, i mis-spoke. charm, i thanked you for non-existant links lol. where is there a link to roger ebert;s writings??? im not familiar with what this is. thanks again for sharing.

Palm,

I became severely disfigured after my reconstructive surgery to replace my jaw. As anyone who's seen my facebook page will tell you, the change was dramatic to say the least. During the surgery to remove the cancerous tissue and replace my rt mandible with my fibula, my rt facial nerve was damaged in the process, leaving that side of my face paralyzed.

I used to consider myself handsome and my career was mostly based on my looks and my speaking abilities, both ruined. I remember walking into a room, fashionably dressed and drawing the attention just by my "command presence". Now as I enter a room I'm gawked at and stared upon for a completely different reason. My children have been ridiculed at school because of my looks...and they are all sorts of good looking.

I'll say that unless you've been in those shoes, it's hard to relate with the emotional pain that's associated with it or how difficult it is to overcome. With that being said, it can be dealt with and overcome, but there has to be understanding and support. I remember early last year when I was just starting to go out in public and attempting to eat (another spectacle altogether) that I was frustrated and upset and didn't want to try anymore.

What helped me were the people on these forums like Christineb, Charm and EZJim that gave me a different perspective on things. Let me know I had others that related to me. Also my wife, friends and family were instrumental as well, for without their love and encouragement I may have lost my center.

It's a tough thing, but when I realized that I was still awesome no matter what I looked like, I got my swagger back...I just needed that reassurance. Have your FFIL get on these boards, or message one of us that have walked that path, it really will help.

Best Wishes,

Eric

thanks eric. im sorry that you went through so much at such a young age. you are only about 10 yrs older than me. you're a wonderful inspiration that life can go on, if u make things happen. and i agree with you that there is a lot of support that is needed.

i am going to try and get my family on this message board and i hope it will help them.

Go the the oral cancer in the news section of the web site, (Navigate there from the OCF home page www.oralcancer.org and you can read the three stories in full on Ebert. You will only have to scan backwards a few from the current stories to find them.

One thought that I had was that you said the reconstruction surgery could be about six months out which if I count correctly would be early September, about the same time as your wedding. I think your fiance should ask for the reason behind the statement, your FIL could be thinking he may still be in the hospital recuperating from the surgery. I know we find it difficult to make plans more than a month or two away with all the uncertainty that comes with treatment.