I don't post really, i just come hear and read when i need to feel not so alone with this cancer. I found out thursday it has come back for the third time. for the second time on my right inside cheek. I find out on Monday when i have surgery. I have Dr. Tufano at Johns Hopkins, i really trust him and he is a great doctor. The good thing is they caught it way early and according to my doc he will be removing a smaller piece then last time (Oct 2007 it came back) and putting on a smaller graft.

I don't know how to shake the fear that has knocked my on my butt. i am not afraid of procedures, but how do i find the courage to keep fighting without crying all the time? and who but the people here can understand how i feel? i go about my day and go to work and try to be "normal" as best i can. but inside i am screaming.

thanks for listening...
Gina

FunnyGirl.

Screaming inside is what we all do and it's all we can do some days. On others we scream on the outside (just ask the care givers) The important thing is that you are a fighter. I am always sadned when I see a post from a care giver that a loved one has given up and won't fight.

You have great care at LH and it looks like you will have a painfull procedure but you have made it through worse.

Come here any time and vent. Your in great company.

Kelly

Hi Gina,

The important thing is you know you are not alone. That has helped me more than anything. Anyone in your shoes would feel like screaming...and I think you should scream if you want to. You have the courage in you...I know you do. It's hard and you may not always feel like you can do it. When you feel that way come here...talk to us...vent to us and let us help you.

Please take care of yourself and come here when you need to.

Hi Gina, How I wish this could all be behind you. How we just hate cancer, it's so damm evil and every other nasty thing we could say. I fell apart when I had a scare, so when you talk about crying...I hear that. In the end, what other choices are there, but to continue along the required path to wellness? Without this site...I would be so dumb! At least we have each other to cheer us on, encourage & learn from and lean on! Keep us posted, because we really, really care! DianneMH

Thanks for the posts, they help so much. I go to Johns Hopkins this friday, surgery is at 3 pm. right now i am just trying to keep my regular schedule and not fall apart too much. I alway feel better when i come here. only the people on this site know exactly how i feel. i will never give up and i am not necessarily afraid of pain. If only i knew going through all of this would mean victory for me in the end. but then we all feel that way.

it's like fighting round after round without an end in sight. But then i guess that's why i go to the gym 5 days a week!

Gina

I know what you mean about the fear. Antidepressants help when it all becomes too much. I hope writing it down helped too. Sometimes I think riding the fear helps a bit. Acknowledge you're afraid and tell people - which you have just done - but others will understand too. You sound very brave about the surgical procedures and your outlook sounds good. It's so tough and unfair to get cancer over and over and I know from personal experience that when people acknowledge this and understand it, I feel a bit better. So much of the time we try to be brave and no-one but fellow patients know the turmoil inside.
I wish you the very best for your surgery and hope you get a bit of time to relax after it!

I feel the same way...I wouldn't mind the surgery if I thought it was end....good luck tomorrow. Hope to hear from you when your home:) Remember, we are all here for you.

Best thoughts to you, Gina.

Hello Everyone,

I made it through surgery well. i was home about 3 weeks and i went back to work after presidents day. i got the pathlogy back from surgery and it was 3 millimeters. the margins were clean and my surgeon is very happy. my surgeon actually took a second biopsy because i have a spot from 2007 that didn't heal well and he was concerned it was in my jaw bone. that came back negative as well that god. is it just a matter of time before it reaches my jaw?

i am dealing with the trimus issues, i can only open my mouth 22 millimeters, but hopefully using the thereabite device will help. depression has been lingering and my doctor gave me a name of someone at johns hopkins i can talk to.

i haven't called yet, cuz i just don't know what someone can say that will stop my worrying about cancer coming back over and over again?

i am getting better everyday, i am just not sure i will ever be the same.

thanks for listening.

gina

Gina. glad to hear the surgery went well.
I hope when you are ready you do pick up the phone and call for help with your depression. I understand what you are saying about there not being any magic words to make it go away. But there are techniques and/or meds that can help.

Also, I think sometimes it's helpful to be able to speak to someone where you don't have to worry about their reaction, or their emotions. To have an hour or so a week where you can focus your thoughts, say whatever you want, break down if you need to and get some additional support.

I've been a therapist for over 25 years so if I can answer any questions, please feel free to PM me. Happy to help if I can...