Life has once again staggered me emotionally these past few days. I once prided myself in being able to take anything that came my way...and now while I feel I still can/do, it just amazes me what life holds everyday.

Yesterday I had a wonderful day with the love of my life, my wife of 10 years. We spent the day Christmas shopping and enjoying each others company, which we surprisingly don't get to do very often. After a day of laughter, jokes and the joy of the season...I got a call that my youngest sister had taken her own life. She was almost 20.

I don't understand suicide, especially after spending the better part of two years fighting for my life. I of course was/am very sad, but also pissed off at her decision to end her life. I guess I'm just hoping that she finds the peace in death that eluded her in life.

Today was a great day, I just had all of the gauze, sutures, staples, stiches and almost everything else they left in me after having a XII-VII gloss-facial nerve graft and skin graft on Dec. 1st. My surgeon said the surgery went great and that to give me the best possible chance at restored facial function he used 100% of my tongue nerve to graft into my facial nerve. He said everything is healing well and I should be able to start to see improvements in the basics, eating, drinking, speech etc...

Throughout the day I was amazed at how I could drink without dribbling on myself, eat without most of it falling out of my mouth, swallow without as much water. My speech has been clearer but there is definetly work to do there...however if it keeps improving I can see myself back working in my old profession again.

I just see it as every breath is a gift...and where I feel the loss and my family is mourning my sister's decision, I'm going to continue to live appreciating each peak and valley. I'm going to focus on recovering what I've lost...which is just about everything but the most important things, wife, family and friends.

Putting this down has helped me get this out, as always I'm thankful for this forum and this group of people.

Eric

Eric,
you are one strong young frack. I could not imagine going through what your are going through right now. I want to say thank you for being that encouragement to me. I will be praying for your family.

Eric,

I am so sorry about your sister. What a waste.

Eric

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. Its so unfotrunate that she was so troubled she decided to end her life. She was so young. Thats the same age as my son Travis, which makes it even more shocking to me. May you and your family find peace in remembering all the good memories of your sister.

What a complete turn around you are doing!!!! Just amazing what this surgery is doing for you. Keep up the good work with your speech and eating.

Condolenses and Congrats too.

Eric,

Your strength and commitment to fight for yourself and your family are remarkable especially after the loss of your sister. Keep on forging ahead! And thank you again for your encouraging words. You have a lot of friends here who are cheering you on!

My condolences-
Anita

Hi Eric. I'm so glad that things are going so well with your recovery. Suicide is so selfish and leaves so much pain to those that are left behind to try and make sense of it all. Continue enjoying your wife, kids and what is most important in life. I'm so happy that surgery went so well for you.

Eric,

I'm so happy to hear you are recovering so well. That is great! My condolences about your sister. I don't understand suicide either. It is a permament solution to a temporary problem. I pray that she has found peace....You just keep loving that wonderful family of your's and continue to recover.

All the best,

Shelley

Eric,
What a tragic ending to such a beautiful day. I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so glad to hear that your surgery was so successful. it must be a wonderful feeling to finally be doing all these things. Here's to a successful and speedy recovery.

Take care,
Eileen

Eric,

I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss of your sister.

You are (another) inspiration to me. My family and girl-friend tell me I've been so brave and strong.

When I read so many of the posts from such fine people here--both fighters, and caregivers--I realize that they haven't seen what brave and strong is!

I wish you only the best of the best!

Joel

My condolences on the loss of your sister. hope your recovery goes well!! Semper-Fi Bob

Eric,

I was saddened to hear the news about your sister. I consider you one of the hero�s here on this board and your fighting spirit has inspired me on more than one occasion.

It is hard to understand the pain that drives some to suicide, but I know it is very deep and intense as I have a brother who barley survived an attempt a few years ago.

My thoughts are with you.

Kelly

Oh Eric- I am so sorry. Suicide is so hard to understand. I htink that for whatever reason- emotional termoil- overwhelming sadness or dissapointment that just consumes someone or a chemical imbalance at the moment the person feels there is no other choice to make. It doesn't make sense but for that person it seems the only way out at that moment in time. I'm sure that this must be heartbreaking for you and your family. As difficult as it may be I hope that you will only have happy memories of her time here with you on earth.

I'm so very glad your hear that your surgeries went well and that you are making progress. You've sure been through a tough time with all of this and this doesn't make it any easier I am sure. Wishing you a very successful recovery and peaceful and healthy 2010. You deserve it!

Sincerely,

KATE

Eric

So sorry to hear about your sister. Depression is also a terrible disease, in many ways worse than Cancer since no one expects you to just "cheer up" to cure cancer.
The subject line of your post evokes this year's Bob Dylan album's (Together Through Life) final track: It's All Good
[quote]
Brick by brick, they tear you down.
A teacup of water is enough to drown.
You oughta know, if they could, they would
Whatever goin' down, it's all good.[/quote]
The rest of the song has that same ironic quality that seems fitting. I lost my younger brother over 22 years ago and still miss him terribly. There are no words I know to comfort you.
Charm

I want to thank everyone for their kind words, they mean so much to me. This forum means so much to me.

I find strength in the warriors on this forum that fight to the end...like sobradley who lost her fight...but fought with heart and determination. Those are who I mourn for, the people that chose to face death down and spit in its face even if it takes them.

To hell with cancer, I'll continue to fly my middle fingers to this disease and it's life altering effects to the day I'm put to rest.

Thanks again my friends and brothers and sisters in arms.

Eric

Eric,

I just read your post about your sister. She was so young � such a waste. I�m so sorry that you and your family have to face this tragedy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Eric,

Sorry to hear about your sister. If I had one wish this Christmas, it would be: that you infect readers and posters needing the same attitude you have towards life, considering the situations you've faced.

You, as well as others, certainly exemplify Commandment #'s 6 to 8, of "The Ten Commandments for Cancer Survival":

=============================================
6. Thou shalt be a comfort to thy fellow-cancerites, providing knowledge, encouragement, understanding and love. You shalt give them hope where there may be none, for only in hope lies their salvation. And by doing so, thou providest comfort for thyself, as well.

7. Thou shalt never relinquish hope, no matter how thou may feelest at that moment, for thou knowest, in the deep recesses of thy heart, that thy discouragement is but fleeting and that a better day awaits thee, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the day after tomorrow - but certainly it shall come.

8. Thou shalt not regard thy ailment as the sum total of thy life but as merely a part of it. Fill your life with other diversions, be they mundane, daring, altruistic, or merely amusing. To fill your life with your ailment is to surrender to it.
=============================================

Jojo

Eric,
i am so very sorry for the loss of your sister. my prayers are with u and ur family at this difficult time.

i lost my older brother to suicide on dec 13 several years ago. i have spent soo much time asking why??? and even more time mad as heck. when there was so many people that loved him so much. there isnt any answer out there. u can drive urself crazy trying to figure it out. the one thing i know is u will never figure it out and u will never truly know why.

there isnt anything i can say that will make u feel any better, trust me, i know. but please know that i feel your pain. it will never pass, but will get easier with time.

please accept my virtual hug XXX and know that i am praying for you and wishing u peace.

u are a huge inspiration to me on this site.

teresa