Last time I logged on I was here I was here to help support others. But now I found myself needing support. I should be so thankful that I am a Oral Cancer Surviror but maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. After all this time that has passed from my treatments I feel I should be up and around enjoying life more. My husband reminds me that I do have bone marrow issues due to the chemo and the doctors state I am in a slow recovery. I find myself thinking of all the negative which is the constant jaw pain, dealing with dentures which causes more jaw pain, having no energy and dreading making something to eat that doesn't take alot of chewing. My husband comes home after work to find me still in my PJ's and haven't done to much. But he understands but I don't. I have had some great days but have more bad days then good lately. Sometimes like we all have done you ask WHY. Yes depression is here and I have started back on the meds. I think I just need to hear from others that have gone through this to get me back on the right track.

Tammy it may help you to read Charms thread about Christmas it may help.This is a time of the year that our frailties and the things we have lost float to the surface and the pictures we see of happy smiling faces eating and drinking and living life to the full can just bring home how different your life is now.Its easy to say you should be grateful for what you have but human nature being what it is, grieving for what you have lost and what you have to endure is normal and very understandable.

Tammy

It is definitely not just you. It is an extremely difficult time of the year for many of us (more so than usual). You are not alone.

Ditto to Liz's message.

Karen

I'll join in this thread. I have officially cancelled Christmas and everything that goes with it. I am not buying any gifts, no tree - no baking, etc. I have - for all of my life - been a "nut" about Christmas but I am tired. I'm tired of buying things for people and having them call my gifts "random". In order for me to get something that even remotely relates to ME, I have to pick it out order it, pay for it, and collect later - otherwise I end up with candlesticks.

I'm tired of carefully thinking of everyone and making sure their stocking is full of personalized items, when NOT ONE PERSON so much as buys me a lottery ticket. I am tired of baking only to have people bitch at me because they eat too much. I'm sooooooooo done. My family says that I shouldn't do things if I do them "expecting" appreciation or a thank you. Okay. I can do that. So, I cancelled Christmas and have done not one thing.

I have however loaded Christmas music which I love onto my Ipod and enjoy that very much. I too am tired of it all.

Donna

Thanks Cookey but I was one step ahead of you. I did read the post and it does help. Pandora I hear you and just keep listening to your ipod and enjoying the music. I am so thankful that we have this web site for support. As I sit here on my computer and typing I feel that I am in another place where I am understood. It is so hard to explain what is going on inside of you when one has not walked in your shoes. I appreciated all the replies and anymore to come.

Tammy, where ru in Arizona? I'm in Mesa just starting all this crap (or at least since May) and hating it all for sure. My next super dose of chemo is Dec. 23rd so Christmas for sure is called off. My family thinks I should just "celebrate" because after all my sister is doing all the cooking and stuff. Well, why would I want to be sitting in a room with a bunch of jolly people while I'm making sure I'm close to a bathroom 'cause I'm sick as a dog. I really haven't been into Christmas since my husband died but now I have no reason to celebrate anything.

Bloop19 I am in Lake Havasu. As far as your family goes right now you need to take everything one day at a time. They have no idea how you are feeling inside and maybe just trying to make this a nice Holiday for you. But right now you are just worrying about sitting by the bathroom. I feel for you and understand. I have sucked it up many times for family and friends and sometimes it was good because it took my mind off things but then yet other times they could see how sick I was and stared not knowing what to say or do. So my advice is to see how you are feeling that day and take it from there. I am so sorry that you lost husband. Remember take it one day at a time on YOUR TERMS.

This friends and family thing has long been a massive bone of contention,and a subject much discussed on the forums many times.The answer always come down the same.Anyone who doesn't actually travel with you on this journey 24/7 really has no idea,and can really make the most innappropriate remarks and stupid statements.The time scale involved in treatment and recovery is beyond most peoples conception."you should be over it by now" being a popular misconception.The fact that people,no matter how much they love you truly believe that you should make an effort for christmas (assuming always that this recovery thing is mind over matter),is indicative of how little they understand.I wonder if some of this is to do with our reluctance to be honest with our loved ones,(Robs favourite phrase when asked being "i am fine" duuuhhhh!!!!)and some of it is their fear of the unknown and their need to convince themselves that we are the same as we were before.

Its a complex subject and there are different answers for different people.Bottom line here .....its personal,and no one can tell you what or how you should feel.Don't suck it up for anyone.tell the truth.If they understand all well and good,and if they don't,make your feelings clear.

Cookey I couldn't have said it any better. I wish I would have read this before I attempted to suck it up for my friends wedding and a few other occassions, I guess I just feel since I am so far out from treatment that I should be feeling a lot better by now. My mother-in-law even tried to to book at trip to Italy for us and she would pay for everything. I told her that I am not up to the travel then finally after a few months still bringing it up and had to look right at her and tell her in a very loud direct voice I DO NOT FEEL GOOD! They just don't get it, don't you think I would jump at the chance. She is in her 70's and likes to remind me that she is so glad she is so healthy. Well good for her but why tell me. It has now been about 6 months since she has mentioned Italy. I am so relieved. But ohhh I would love to go to Italy someday!

Don't close the book on a trip. Hopefully that will be a reality for you someday. When you are feeling low-go there in your mind. I have been trying to use visualization lately to take my mind off the sadness this time of the year. Christmas is my favorite holiday but being that it is the first since losing my husband, it is hard to deal with this year. I just bought Andrea Bocelli's new holiday cd and it is wonderful for relaxation and lightening the mood.

I belong to a young widow's board and we have a term for people that just don't get it-DGI's. I try to be mindful of the fact that I was once one. I don't believe that I had half the empathy or understanding for cancer patients that I have now. I surely don't have the knowledge of being one myself-just one that was along for the horrible ride. Try not to be too hard on them-I truly believe the severity of your situation is lost on them or is just too difficult to deal with for those who are close to you. I can't tell you how many times I had to listen to my father in law's physical issues WHILE my husband, his son, was dying in Hospice. Take care of yourself and enjoy your music.

Sue