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#108244 12-04-2009 01:22 PM
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Well, as I am laying down in bed so tired from the stinking radaition it just hit me. I am not going to wake up from this nightmare. I feel like such a cry baby. I do not know how i am going to handle all this. The mucuos is horrible and I do not want to eat anything, but I know i need to. I am cold all the time. I HATE THIS STUFF!!!!!


Angelia
31 at Dx.
DX: 4/30/09, 10/21/09 SCC on floor of mouth,
T1NOMO, T2N1M0
TX: 39 IMRT, 8 cisplatin 11/30/09
PET/CT: 11/03/09: Lymph node involvement
PEG/PORT: 11/09
TX end: 02/01/10
PET Scan: 04/05/10 clear
PEG Out: 06/21/10
Biopsy: 12/23/10: fibrosis
HBO: 01/04/11 - ORN
Baby girl born 11-30-12
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 8,311
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Angelia,

Please keep in mind that this is not for the rest of your life but really a very short 7 week period of discomfort. You can do it. You must do it. You do need to force yourself to eat and drink each and every day as you will only make matters much much worse if you don't. Ninety percent of us on this website went thru concurrent chemo/rad and we were not/are not super humans. We all felt like crap and we all bitched but looking back it's just a distant memory. I have always said that the mental aspect of our cancer is half the battle so don't give in to the dark side so to speak.

Oh BTW WE ALL HATED THIS STUFF. lol


David

Age 58 at Dx, HPV16+ SCC, Stage IV BOT+2 nodes, non smoker, casual drinker, exercise nut, Cisplatin x 3 & concurrent IMRT x 35,(70 Gy), no surgery, no Peg, Tx at Moffitt over Aug 06. Jun 07, back to riding my bike 100 miles a wk. Now doing 12 Spin classes and 60 outdoor miles per wk. Nov 13 completed Hilly Century ride for Cancer, 104 miles, 1st Place in my age group. Apr 2014 & 15, Spun for 9 straight hrs to raise $$ for YMCA's Livestrong Program. Certified Spin Instructor Jun 2014.
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Angalia,

You can make it. I came home every day and lay down until I had enough sleep. You will wake up from this and you will feel much better but you have a rough road ahead.

I am now 5 1/2 weeks out of treatment and feeling much better. I still have issues, but I�m much better now.

I have an electric blanket to keep me warm and a bottle of water at my side while I watch my son sledding out front in the first snow of the year.

Kelly


Kelly
Male
48, SCC (Soft Palet) Rt.,
Stage 1, T3n0m0,
Dx, 8-09, Start IMRT 35 9-2-09 end 10-21-09
04-20-10 NED
8-11 recurrence, node rt. neck N2b
10-11 33 IMRT w/chemo wkly
3-12-12 PET - residual cancer
4-12 5 treatments with Cyberknife & Erbitux
6-19-12 Pet scan CLEAR
12-3-12 PET - CLEAR
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Angelia, I feel bad that you are already having a hard time. David is right, we all hate it. I wish I could trade places with you. Looking back, yes it was awful. But it is something that right now should be relatively easy. Its worth a few bad weeks to have a lifetime.

Radiation accumulates in your body. It will unfortunately get progressively worse. At this point, since you are still able to eat, enjoy it. Most of us started feeling the effects after about the 4 or 5 week mark.

Im sorry that you feel so bad already. Time to get that positive thinking going!!!! Believe it or not, thats what keeps me going. Take it day by day.

I will keep saying my prayers for you.


Christine
SCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44
2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07
-65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr
Clear PET 1/08
4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I
surg 4/16/08 clr marg
215 HBO dives
3/09 teeth out, trismus
7/2/09 recur, Stg IV
8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy
3wks medicly inducd coma
2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit
PICC line IV antibx 8 mo
10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg
OC 3x in 3 years
very happy to be alive smile
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Angelia,

I've shared this once before, however I don't do it often as I have a reputation to uphold and I can't have people questioning my badassness.

Before cancer I was this athletic, muscular guy that enjoyed wrestling/grappling, kajukenbo, boxing etc...and in these sports you have to develop an increased mental fortitude to block out pain and push through exhaustion to be successful. Even through all of my bravado and the mental image of myself, I still sat at the end of my bed crying because i didn't want to finish my last week of radiaiton and final round of chemo.

Dear, it's natural to feel this way, trust me when I say that you can get through it. One day, one treatment, one breath at a time.

Keep your head in the game, you can do this.

Eric


Young Frack, SCC T4N2M0, Cisplatin,35+ rads,ND, RT Mandiblectomy w fibular free flap, facial paralysis, "He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how"." -Nietzche "WARNING" PG-13 due to Sarcasm & WAY too much attitude, interact at your own risk.
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You guys are always awesome. I know that it is just a short time in all life. The past few days I did have a positive attitude, but today has not been one of those days. I will joining my family for dinner and will make myself eat, but I do not want to get out of bed. Did any of you have to take antidepressants? I often think about asking the Dr. for them, but I am already taking so much meds that I hate to get more. I know that I can vent here and you all know what I am going through because you have been there. Thanks.


Angelia
31 at Dx.
DX: 4/30/09, 10/21/09 SCC on floor of mouth,
T1NOMO, T2N1M0
TX: 39 IMRT, 8 cisplatin 11/30/09
PET/CT: 11/03/09: Lymph node involvement
PEG/PORT: 11/09
TX end: 02/01/10
PET Scan: 04/05/10 clear
PEG Out: 06/21/10
Biopsy: 12/23/10: fibrosis
HBO: 01/04/11 - ORN
Baby girl born 11-30-12
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 3,082
Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
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Posts: 3,082
Angelia

It's hard indeed. sometimes we get so tired and its seems so hard, that in the dark recesses of our mind, we wonder if it is even worth it to keep living. But then the realization that yes, life is worth it, our family wants us, and that giving up is not optimal creeps back. Hang in there and vent all you want here.
Charm


65 yr Old Frack
Stage IV BOT T3N2M0 HPV 16+
2007:72GY IMRT(40) 8 ERBITUX No PEG
2008:CANCER BACK Salvage Surgery
25GY-CyberKnife(5) 3 Carboplatin
Apaghia /G button
2012: CANCER BACK -left tonsilar fossa
40GY-CyberKnife(5) 3 Carboplatin

Passed away 4-29-13
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Posts: 1,844
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Angelia,

Many on these boards have used or recommend antidepressants. Some people don't. I'm of the mentality that you should use anything necessary to keep you into the fight.

heck if you were in a state for it I'd say use medicinal marijuanna, vaporized of course to avoid releasing carcinogens. MJ has been known to raise spirits, increase appetite, settle nausea, decrease anxiety and of course the pain management.

Do whatever you need to do to get yourself mentally in this fight, be it liquid courage or anything else for that matter.

Good luck girl, keep your chin up

Eric


Young Frack, SCC T4N2M0, Cisplatin,35+ rads,ND, RT Mandiblectomy w fibular free flap, facial paralysis, "He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how"." -Nietzche "WARNING" PG-13 due to Sarcasm & WAY too much attitude, interact at your own risk.
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 128
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Angelia,

I hated IT also, but got through using these three rules:
1. Take one day at a time
2. I was not going to feel like this forever
3. Do what needs to be done to get through

I tried to not to think of what I was going through, I know it is hard, but you will make it, we all did!

You are in my prayers!

WFC


Age 57 at dx on 3/30/2009 by Dentist
SCC of R tonsil S2 Poorly Differentiated - 2.5 cm
Rad - IMRT 5x a wk for 8 wks starting 5/4/2009
No Chemo
Last Rad treatment was 6/26/2009.
Two years down as of 3/30/2011!
God bless all affected by this monster called cancer!
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,004
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Angelia....try not to think of the end yet just take it one day at time. You are strong and a positive person and it's ok to not feel positive all the time...it's human. As far as an antidepressant I would ask about it. I take them and am currently weening off with no problems. When I started them it made a HUGE difference. I would definitly ask about them. If it makes this journey easier for you that is important.

When you feel this way look at your adorable children and husband and remember you have a reason to fight. I'm sure that will give you the push you need:)


Suzanne
***********
T1 SCC on right side of tongue
Age 31...27 when diagnosed
4 partial glossectomies
No chemo or radiation
Biopsy on 2/2/10-Clear
Surgery needed again...no later than April 2011
Loving life and just became a mother on 11/25/10
It's not what we CAN'T do..it's what we CAN do:)
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