When I first launched the "don't you just hate it thread" (one of the most popular in this forum), some posters worried about it discouraging a positive attitude. The Washington Post today had a book review whose words are also applicable to us
[quote]Relentlessly upbeat, cloyingly inspirational, the breast cancer world, as Ehrenreich describes it, is a place where anger, fear and depression -- all perfectly reasonable responses to a potentially mortal diagnosis -- are frowned upon and the cancer itself is lauded as a great opportunity for spiritual growth....
Studies proclaiming a link between a positive attitude and cancer survival, she finds, are full of problems and discounted by most researchers. Furthermore, she points out, the popular insistence that cheerfulness can help beat the Big C, while it can be "a great convenience for health workers and even friends of the afflicted, who might prefer fake cheer to complaining," leaves patients in the uncomfortable position of having to hide or deny their very real anger and sadness, even to themselves, for fear of being complicit in their own illness.[/quote]
So don't worry about sharing your anger and fears here. We all understand.
Here is the link to the full book review in case anyone is interested; Bright-sided

Charm...I LOVE that you posted this article and I also love the thread. I'm all for being positive but I'm also realistic. Not everything is all roses all the time, it just isn't. My therapist told me that because I didn't talk about my fear and what I was going thought was a main cause of my panic attack and I totally agree. Lets face it...Cancer does has some pro's, how else would we have all found each other here? But....nobody wants cancer....

Charm...as always I agree with you:)

I also find this article very interesting and in line with my response to your earlier post regarding the power of positive thinking that may turn into the "tyranny of positive thinking" for some.

Maintaining a false brave front can be difficult and taxing. My sister-in law was a perfect visitor during tx because she did not expect my husband to cheer her up; she let him be himself and voice any concerns, fears, etc. They did discuss positive outcomes but it's a process and those feelings can change back and forth, don't you think? Lottie

Suzanne

Thanks for chiming in and also adding what I hope was implicit in post: that being positive and upbeat is surely preferable to feeling down. But as all of us here know, that is not ever easy. I get depressed about once a day but examine it, acknowledge it and try to move on, usually through humor. I still chuckle over one Scrubs rerun I watched that concerned the interaction of the star & a new resident with a Cancer patient who suddenly had a recurrence that was terminal. Unlike the angst & empathy depicted in Mercy or Gray's Anatomy, the female resident shrugs and says:
[quote]It sucks to be him[/quote]
Charm

Lottie

Yeah, I know I am still singing the same old tune, just different verses. I agree that the best thing a family member can do is to let the patient share their fears as well as their hopes. And yes, those feelings wax & wane.
Glad you enjoyed the article.
charm

Right on, Charm. Tough lesson for the family member to learn. Just listen. The patient has a right to his feelings and not be corrected for them.
Ginny

It would be wrong to think that those who have had recurrences on this board did so because they weren't positive enough or strong enough. There is a difference between having a positive life outlook (and benefiting from better mood; seeing humor in things, etc.) and thinking that one's attitude always translates into good outcomes.


Thanks for posting the article, Charm. I love your sarcastic humor that has at its core tremendous intellect, wit and compassion.

Sophie

From our web analytics this section below is the LEAST read part of the OCF web site. Some of what is being discussed here is in these pages. I get that people come to OCF looking for answers, hence the many people who post here who have never looked at the content on the main site. But I am always amazed that people ignore the wisdom contained in what the author of this portion of the site has discovered by her thousands of pycho-social-oncology conversations over three decades at Memorial Sloan Kettering CC.

http://oralcancerfoundation.org/emotional/index.htm

Thanks for posting this. We all know first hand how hard it is to stay positive sometimes. It is great to know what I can feel safe in venting away. Yes, most times I appear to be positive around my friends and even in the midst of all the procedures. I really and truly feel that this is a place I can really share how I feel abd not be judged by them, but also having them put into perspective.

Sophie

Thank you for your very kind words. I am especially sensitive to this issue having had a recurrence. I am glad to see that Brian's link to the OCF article encouraged "black humor" as a survival technique.

Brian

I confess that I had overlooked this very good article. I will keep it handy for quick replies to some of the newer posters who do raise it. In defense of those who just read this forum, the jokes and "black humor" in many posts are much funnier and more entertaining than the examples she gives. (I still laugh at the Hotel CAncer thread started by someone else - modesty prohibits me from mentioning my own)
Seriously, her excerpts were very good reading. thanks
Charm

I bought the book David has linked in the section he links to. I liked it immensely.

Joel

I also admit I don't always check out all the good info on the main page. When I found this site and these forums I was so thrilled to find people like me and I've been on the forums almost day since. I should look at the great information on there. I do look at the store and I bought a t-shirt...lol

Just to chime in here, I was told when I first started down this cancer path that the only thing I could control during this whole process was my attitude and my nutrition....the rest is up to my medical professionals and how my body reacts to the treatment.

I took this as that I had to maintain a smile on my face at all times, when most of the time I was either drugged out of my gourd or sick as a dog fed antifreeze. I used my time to read great books like Viktor Frankle's "Mans Search For Meaning" or "Touching the Void" among others to read of other mens struggle to live and what they were willing to endure to stay alive.

I realized I didn't have to skip down the streets singing hymns and spreading the "magic". All I did was think about Nietzche's quote "He who has a "why" to live can bear with almost any "how"". I focused on my "why", followed my medical teams protocols and raised both my middle fingers to cancer.

Eric is so right on in his post. I have often used and been very fond of that Nietzche quote, and I think it applies to many of us. You really don't know what you can do until you have to. I learned that bit about myself doing things that most people think they are not capable of, or are sure they would never actually do, years ago in some little crap hole of a place that I couldn't even pronounce the name of. I am stronger as a result of some of those things, and not proud of others. Cancer treatments were a similar challenge. This all translates to another truism in my life, which is that in many things - I do not change, until the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of the change itself. I think Eric should add the Nietzche saying to his signature, he clearly epitomizes it.

Eric, thank you for that reminder. I need to focus on the "Why", which are my beautiful children.

There you go Angelia, that's what I did. I looked at the faces of my beautiful wife and amazing childen and I told myself that I would go through the depths of hell to stay with them. They were and will always be my why. Keep your chin tucked and your guard up girl...you can't win a fight if you don't strike back.

I am striking back and am hoping to keep ym spirits high. The times get really hard when the kids start asking why I have tube or why they can not come cuddle with me anymore. I simply have to tell them because you kick in the middle of the night and that hurts my stomach. My seven year old asked me "When is it going to get bad?" That was a hard question because I could not answer it.

Angelia

the answer is easy: NEVER. It never gets bad because we just won't let it. Never give up, never give in. (although you can always just change your mind - apologies to Billy Joel).
Why oh Why indeed. "Bluebirds fly over the rainbow, why oh why can't I." Because this is not Kansas, it is Hotel CAncer.
Keep the Faith
Charm

Angelia

I can imagine how hard it is to hear those questions from your children. It's not going to be an easy road but you are a strong woman and always try to keep that in sight. I wish I had something better to say but I don't. I wish you didn't have to go through this and I will support you the best way I know how:)

xoxo
((((hugs))))

One other side of the bright and cheery attitude is, people see you smiling and cracking jokes they may think "it's not that serious, he doesn't seem to be suffering at all". I know that when I went to visit my co-workers at the office or out on the job, They really didn't understand why I wasn't back at work. I was just too damn cheerful. Then I went home and threw up.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life was tell my seven year old son, a year after his grandmother died of cancer, that I had cancer. He looked at me and said "Daddy, I don't want you to die!" Use it as the strength you need to go down the path, if not for you, for them.

I cried writing that.

David you are so right about that. After the hell that was rad/chemo and before surgery I showed up at my hotels employee party...they don't know or can fathom it.