I posted on the Affect Effects Forum regarding a dental question that my husband is currently trying to sort out. Brian, Charm, and Jerry kindly provided clarification. I have added updated info there and hope to get some more input.

In that posting, I commented about so many things going wrong... Brian correctly reminded me that some complications are part of the process and cannot be predicted. This dental problem has magnified an ongoing problem - I am more angry at the tx than I am at the cancer. I know that without rad my husband would be dead but I just can't believe that the tx side effects are so barbaric and long lasting.

I am back in that anxious/depressed state from worrying about these dental implications and trying to get an expert opinion. I had to get out old paperwork and files today and it brought back all the old scary feelings. Actually, my husband has been doing very well and I should be grateful, instead of going backwards. Lottie

Lottie,
I understand the anger. Especially the anger. I understand the worry and anxiety. I've experienced the ugly, gut wrenching fear resurface while going through old files.

You are not alone.

You've been through trauma. Your recovery, and I don't know that recovery is the right word, will be in erratic stages. Perhaps adapting is a better word. Its a process with a lot of setbacks and frustration.

That's what your fellow caregivers are here for, you can let off steam and complain all you want. I am here to listen. You are not alone.

Ginny

Be mad, angry or whatever,, but in front of hubby, keep a smile. A smile goes a long way and much further than a frown. I understand the frustration only too well maybe.

I think anger is just another tool in the box of tricks we use to keep on fighting this disease.Used wisely it can be very powerful.Used unwisely it can be counter productive as i have found to my cost.All i can say is that two years on i am still angry,but i use that to try and make sure as few people as possible have to be subjected to sub standard treatment,delayed diagnosis,ignorance and isolation.You have every right to feel angry,your life has changed and will never be the same again.You will live with this elephant in the room for a long time,but as someone once said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Thank you all for taking the time to answer. After being strong for a long time, these feelings caught me by surprise. During my husband's tx and horrible recovery period, I felt that I did a good job supporting him, providing care, and keeping things in order.

I think I have to try to remember that this process, as Ginny says, will be erratic. Anger is normal, as Jim and Liz point out. Being hard on myself is not useful. It's not easy when anxiety takes over. I obviously have not accepted all the permanent changes, especially that the worry never ends. Lottie

Lottie, have you felt comfortable in talking to your husband about what YOU feel?
One thing my husband feared the most was being treated "different." Although he became a cancer patient, he mostly still wanted to be "Mike". "Mike" the husband who deals with spousal moodiness and wants to comfort his wife. Mike the "Dad" that helps fix problems. Mike the "friend" to his buddies that visited and they could cuss and complain about the Cleveland Browns.
He did not want anyone to put on a face or a front. Yes, he needed care, and compassion, but he needed to keep his identity as well. And that meant seeing the good and the bad that we all go through. Admitting that I was scared. Or wanting to cry. Or ashamed to be so petty as to wish I could get away and get a pedicure. It took me a while to learn this. But it seemed to give my husband relief for me to be myself and honest and open.

Lottie,

I agree with a lot of what everyone is saying here. As a patient one of the worst things, in my opinion, was being treated differently. I HATED it. When I walked in the room it was like "oh..the cancer patient is here. Poor Suzanne..." it made me feel terrible. On that note, I agree with Ginny.

We have all been forced to go through our "c files" and no doubt we read those pathology reports and it all comes flodding back. I say, read them again, cry, fax whatever you need to fax (that's why we go to these darn things most of the time) and put it away.

The treatment part is almost easier in some ways because you are on auto pilot. You do what you have to do to. Now, it's over and you have time to think about what you went through. It will get easier and we are here for you for the walk:)

xoxo

Ginny & Suzanne,

I have been open about my feelings until recently. We are a good team and discuss everything, good and bad. I will think about what you are saying. I don't want my fear to take over our lives, I'm usually not like that. Lottie