So learning this cancer has metastisized to his lungs is still kinda new. Chemo started yesterday. We are ever reminded of his poor prognosis with all the red tape and paperwork the army requires. I am trying to wrap my brain around it. Truly I am. To hear and see in writing how advanced this is and that even with chemo his cancer is deemed terminal is so hard to grasp because he seems fine. He is even having issues accepting it because he feels fine. What can a person do to actually accept what is going on-a grim, grim outlook, when there are no signs at all? I don't want to skip around in denial to be broadsided later, but I just don't know how to do this. Does any of this make any sense at all? I just feel so blasted lost and confused. Thanks for listening!

If you can find a good therapist at the treatment facility that would be ideal. Sounds to me like you both could benefit from some counseling. I dont know how I would deal with this kind of awful news either. A professional therapist should be able to help you learn how to accept your situation.

That is so hard. As Christine says a therapist/counsellor would be helpful to you both. I heard a talk by a health psychologist today and she sees head and neck cancer patients all the time, giving them all the support and understanding they need. She runs a course for survivors called Acceptance Commitment Therapy. While your husband has a grim prognosis, he feels well now so maybe this is a good time to come to terms with what's happening while maintaining hope that the chemos will keep the tumours from growing. There's always the hope that a clinical trial will show benefit. Wishing you well!!!!

hopefully a hug will help to...

so I am offering one to you...

HUGS!

I was reminded today that people say stupid things to sick people. Its rarely intentional, but when its hard to find the words sometimes the wrong ones come out.

I hope you're getting all the support you need. I hope you are talking to the right people and they are saying the right things.

When my husband's metastases were diagnosed, we were both shocked and there were a couple of weeks when I would just burst into tears. My husband, on his part, refused to learn about his prognosis and, to this day, he still does not know. Then, one day, as I was driving home, I was thinking that another day had passed and I would have one day less with him. But as soon as that thought occurred, another thought entered my mind, which was -- irrespective of the state of his health, we would always have one day less together. I think it is understanding this that has sustained me and helped me deal with his treatments and the side effects.

I hope that the chemo will help stabilize the lesions and that it will give you many more days to be together.

The day my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I was heart broken. Then he had a life saving surgery and I felt as though I was given the world. When I realized that nothing was certain, I became overtaken with stress and worry for weeks.

After talking to my doctor and eventually a councillor and a phsycopogist I had a moment of realization. "All of it is out of my hands", and this lifted my burden of carrying his pain. Because I can't, all I can do is be a positive force, a hug, a smile, a silly joke, a sholder or as I have been so tired lately, I am more of a sleeping companion. My part in his life is to live, to share and to just be there. My latest passion is a rap song I wrote for my students. It is funny and makes him laugh.

I know that accepting that the person you love the most will die maybe sooner than later is different than living it. I would have a very hard time accepting that the biggest and most important part of my life would be gone. When that day comes and only when that day comes would I ever be able to deal and one day find acceptance. Life can be so very hard, but I am rich because I love through it all.

Sophie

what a heart rendering and deeply touching post....

My hubby cancer may have returned ,we will find out next week. He is a combat wounded veteran, with many health issues and PTSD. After 50 years of marriage, I have fine tuned some survival methods of my own. That said, they don't really work well for him. But, here's what I have done. I keep good records, I have a file for after he passes of paperwork to be done for vet benefits, necessary documents, banking and ins. Etc. All the stuff you will need to decide on later, decide now! With a backup plan. I also have a sewing, craft room set up, any hobby will work. I've always wanted to play piano, so bought one and am teaching myself. You need at least one good friend who will listen objectively, I went so far as to buy another puppy to keep my mind from wandering. Basically, I find out what will or may happen, decide how to handle it, and then put it out of mind until needed. I keep a few nicer outfits on hand for Dr visits, I find that being well groomed helps you look more intelligent, and you get better responses from others. Shouldn't matter, but most people only have a few minutes to judge how you will respond to all this medical technical jargon, it's best to get on their upside right off the bat. I know you must be scared, this is overwhelming at best, and you have so little time to prepare. Make yourself a notebook and write every thing, even thoughts down. Take time for yourself, sounds impossibly cliche, have a glass of wine, or a beer, whatever will relax you for a minute. And most importantly, pray for your husband , yourself and be thankful for each other.

I noticed you said "Army" in your message. Thank you guys for your service to our country. I too am a vet and was diagnosed with my cancer in the Dallas VA. I had heard so many horror stories of the mental health department that I was actually scared to go, but when I finally did it was a life saver. It is so good for you and your husband to be able to talk to someone. Someone who understands and can actually help with ALL the questions that are going thru you mind. If I can encourage you to do anything it would be to reach out to a mental health professional.

With prayers,
Bryan