Posted By: CMMoore Memories... - 03-30-2012 09:57 PM
I was reading through Matt's facebook posts and came across this one from a year ago...

"Chemo night from hell last night. Wife would have held my hair out of the puke if I had any. Kept me in pills and held my shivering hands with 102.5 degrees.. kept me hydrated. Now I know what it is to be loved. Love you BabyDoll."

He knew. I did everything I could. This makes me smile and cry at the same time.
The first week and a half after his passing was filled with tasks to be done.
Now that it's all calming down and I have time to think and remember I cry a lot more. I am trying to write things down so I will have them always.

Posted By: Anne-Marie Re: Memories... - 03-30-2012 10:07 PM
That is beautiful, Christine. He did know. An so should you. Let the tears fall. They will help to cleanse and heal the hurt. Take the time you need and so deserve just for for you. I'm sure Matt's spirit is close, soothing and holding you in his arms. Write everything down that you can It does help.
Posted By: Cheryld Re: Memories... - 03-30-2012 11:32 PM
Hugs... cry... it helps.
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 03-31-2012 02:18 PM
Oh my gosh Christine. I am trying to type this through the tears. I'm SOOOOO glad you found that. I wish you had seen it earlier when the struggle was sooo awful, but, yes, he knew. They all know. Maybe they can't express it, but they know. Thank you SOOOOOO much for sharing this.
Think of you often,
Kathy
Posted By: zengalib Re: Memories... - 03-31-2012 04:36 PM
Oh, wow, Christine, what message you discovered! Hugs to you!
Posted By: Bob Whyte Re: Memories... - 04-01-2012 09:42 PM
SEMPER-FI Bob
Posted By: slim Re: Memories... - 04-02-2012 02:45 PM
Sigh - so happy you found that message. Maybe it was put in your path to remind you how much Matt loved and appreciated you. You were a wonderful caregiver and I wish you happy memories and calmer days.
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-03-2012 02:35 PM
Loving the happy memories that come back. I hate that it feels like I put them all aside for so long to focus on the "task at hand"

Advice to all of you. Keep the memories fresh and alive through the whole process. Pictures, journals, whatever... just don't let cancer take them away at any part of the journey.

Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 01:45 AM
Thanks Christine. How are his daughters doing? I can only imagine how you are doing. I'm sure it's different by the minute. Think of you almost every day and pray that you are in peace.
Kathy
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 07:31 AM
The youngest daughter is surrounded by love and faith and family and is doing very well. The oldest daughter is going through a process much like my own. She/and I spend the first week in shock, avoiding anything emotional.
She said last week was quite rough, and I assured her that I am here if she wants to talk.
A grief counselor from hospice came and told me of a support group locally where the kids can talk to their peers about the loss they have experienced. It will be great.
The counselor was confident that I would be just fine, since my overall demeanor was one of happiness.
I just don't see the point in be unpleasant. It's a curse sometimes, but that's just me.

Anyway, I miss you gals/guys and appreciate all of you. Thanks for taking the journey with me.

Christine
Posted By: Anne-Marie Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 10:46 AM
Thanks for checking in, Christine - I think of you so often and it's good to hear you have family and others close by for support and for sharing the happy memories.
Posted By: ChristineB Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 02:07 PM
I too am always checking for posts from you. Ive watched your entire story and know how hard things became for you. I still remember you first joining OCF almost 3 years ago. Its been a long hard road and you held it together with compassion and love. Wishing you the very best of everything!
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 02:53 PM
Glad the youngest is doing well. I guess they say time heals. Hopefully the older daughter will be able to find support within the group. Please keep in touch Christine. We miss you too and love hearing from you!!
Blessings to you and LOVE your happiness attitude. It really is just healthier than the alternative! Glad you can get there!
Kathy
Posted By: Pandora99 Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 04:23 PM
I think of you every day Christine, wonder how you are doing.... Know you are in our prayers.

Donna
Posted By: julieann Re: Memories... - 04-04-2012 09:36 PM
Gone but not forgotten, Christine. I love seeing pictures of you and Matt in happier times that you post on Facebook. You have such wonderful memories of him, and your love for him will keep those memories alive.
julieann
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-05-2012 12:11 AM
This Friday is the anniversary of our first date, and our wedding... I am going to my hometown area and going out drinking with my girlfriends to celebrate the man I love.
They have karaoke and a live band, and awesome taxi service for after smile
Saturday I am getting my hair done by a dear friend, and Easter Sunday will be spent with my family.
Busy weekend ahead and I am looking forward to it.
I am finding resources in my community to help with the little things... I am learning to talk to EVERYONE I see and ask for their knowledge about the city. Whether I need the lawn mowed or the car worked on, I am slowly building my contact list.
I had the pleasure of stopping by a garage to have my state inspection done on the car. There was a local "old timer" just sitting and talking with the shop owner. It was great to sit and talk with him a while. The shop owner invited me back anytime I needed someone to give me a hard time smile
I can feel the effects of the sun on my arms at the end of each day, and I feel content in a day well lived.

I love you all, and am not going away any time soon! PM me anytime if you have questions. Its not too soon, and I am happy to help if I can.

Christine
Posted By: Kerri Re: Memories... - 04-05-2012 03:46 AM
Dear Christine,

I'm so glad you're taking the time to look back to when Matt was Matt and he knew the depth of your love and devotion...and that he so much appreciated it.

It's so hard to figure out what to do next after the dust has settled. I wish for you that you are able to find some peace and comfort through the tears. Grieving always takes more time than we want. You are in my thoughts.

xoxo,
Kerri
Posted By: EricS Re: Memories... - 04-05-2012 06:39 AM
Christine, you are amazing my dear friend, and I love you and your beautiful spirit. Celebrate life while you are able, I believe in that.

your friend,


Eric
Posted By: Gabe Re: Memories... - 04-05-2012 09:01 AM
There is no "like" button here but I have also been following your journey Christine.
We love you too and I am sure there are people here who will be appreciative of your help.
Just make sure you have taken some time for yourself first but I see you are already aware of looking for those resources within your own family and community smile
Love and Hugs
Gabriele
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-06-2012 03:43 PM
Here it is. Anniversary. #9 since our first date, and #2 since our wedding. I woke up. It dawned on me that it was here. I cried.

I am glad I already made plans with friends to get outta the house, otherwise I'd stay in bed all day with a box of tissues.

Off to pack my weekend bag and celebrate my love.

Posted By: ChristineB Re: Memories... - 04-06-2012 05:32 PM
Hope you are able to enjoy yourself over the weekend. You were very smart to make lots of plans. Remember the good memories and know that Matt is smiling down on you.
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-06-2012 08:36 PM
Happy Anniversary Honey!! Yes, very glad you are getting out with your girlfriends. Relax and have a good time.
Thinking of you daily. Wish we could all have a party night together!
Love,
Kathy
Posted By: Sandy177 Re: Memories... - 04-10-2012 05:13 AM
Love you, girl!

I agree with Wanda. Sometimes when we need them the most, they show up. I was cleaning out my mom's stuff and setting stuff aside for Goodwill. I was so sad. I reached in a coat pocket and found a tissue with a perfect lipstick lip print on it. It was like getting one more kiss from my mom.

Matt loved you tremendously. I am so happy that you have things he wrote and said to reassure you that you were loved and appreciated. Too many people let those words go unsaid and unwritten. That's tragic.

Sending hugs,
Sandy
xoxox

Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-10-2012 05:47 AM
Friday night I kept very busy, saw an awesome band, drank a LOT and hand fun. Saturday got 4 inches chopped off my hair for the summer. Went for a long peaceful drive through the country and found a CUTE property with 5 acres. It's on a dirt road, but not far from a highway. There is a creek just across the road. A huge garage/shop where my son and I could build a hot rod or start making demo derby cars (we have several fun ideas to keep us busy) Trees are everywhere so lots of rock gardens hammocks and little oasis opportunities to be created.
Would be such a nice place to heal.
When I mentioned it to my brother, he laughed really big and then showed me on a map that the property he wants to buy is about a mile due north across the creek from it. The kids would all certainly love that!
As much as I love the city and all that there is to do, I am just a country girl at heart.

Kathy, I agree, it would be SO nice to meet you all!

Anyway, just touching base.

Love,
Christine
Posted By: EricS Re: Memories... - 04-10-2012 06:48 AM
Christine, thank you for sharing my dear friend. I love reading these updates, you've been on my heart.

Love you lady

Eric
Posted By: Maria Re: Memories... - 04-10-2012 06:38 PM
Christine,
our three acres attach us to the earth and the turning of the seasons; I hope you are able to manage your own patch of green (and the fabulous garage). Be sure to budget enough for the equipment to manage your property so it will be a joy and not overwhelming! Love and best wishes.
Maria
Posted By: zengalib Re: Memories... - 04-10-2012 07:28 PM
Christine,
Thank you for continuing to share with us. Buying the land sounds like a really neat idea. I'll bet Matt is smiling down on you right now.
Posted By: ChristineB Re: Memories... - 04-10-2012 11:18 PM
Christine, its nice to read your positive updates. Glad you enjoyed yourself over the weekend. Buying the property would be a good fresh start for your family. Hope it all works out for you.
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-11-2012 05:25 AM
Glad you all don't mind the continued updates... I am totally addicted to talking to you all :P
Posted By: Anne-Marie Re: Memories... - 04-11-2012 09:08 AM
Your updates are a wonderful inspiration to everyone here. It's great to see that there is a beautiful life possible after coming though the dark tunnel of the big "C".
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-11-2012 10:55 PM
Yes, yes. We LOVE hearing from you!!!
What are your further thoughts on the land?
Kathy
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-11-2012 11:09 PM
Kathy - I am going to look at the land Friday, along with another property with just under 4 acres and a lovely creek ON the property. The second one isn't finished, but it's priced accordingly and I have contacts there that can get it done.

I got AWESOME news today.

I haven't looked for work or anything yet because widow brain seriously rivals chemo brain and I don't remember shh right now.
Not to mention the random crying spells may not go over well.

Today, I get an email from the guy that owns the company I worked for back in Arkansas. It says "call me"...
He has finally realized that I carried that office and that without me, the so called accounting manager is a desperate failure. He offered me her job today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am.

The slight reservation I have is because he offered it to me several years ago but then didn't follow through with firing her. He'd better do it this time!

I already know and love all of the people there and the job is second nature so I can do it through the blonde moments and the tears! YAY!
Plus my son's best friends are there.

I also got my computer back from the shop today where they were combining Matt's hard drives and files onto my PC.
No charge. That man is great, I'll miss the service when I move.

To be fair... I don't sleep at night, I cry my eyes out a LOT and I am lonely as hell... but every now and then the universe smiles on me and I know I will be alright.



Christine
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-12-2012 01:28 AM
That truly is GREAT news. I'm glad you hadn't taken something else!!
The land sounds like heaven! That is what Kevin wants someday. Probably not around here though. I wish we had just looked for that when we moved here from Alaska, but with the kids I wanted to be close to the town hall which has baseball fields, tennis courts, basketball courts, soccer fields and a pool. Everything we do is pretty much done there. If we had moved where there was land I would be driving constantly. With Kevin gone to work 3 weeks at a time it would have been all me and I just didn't want it.
I'm sorry about the nights. I pray with time it will get better. I can't imagine Christine. Have his girls come around at all?
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-12-2012 08:03 AM
The oldest, Amanda has been in touch and FINALLY joined facebook. We have made plans to get together this weekend.
I told her about the job offer and she was really excited for me. I know Matt wanted me to be close for her, but I think he underestimated what a strong young woman she is. She's just like her Daddy in so many ways.

I don't think either daughter ever fully realized just how much I love them too. But, they will see over the years that they remain in my heart and on my mind just like their dad will.

The property is very enticing Kathy... My son however chimed in today with a request to live somewhere "not boring" and our definitions of that happen to be opposite! He wants the city close to his friends. I want the country away from it all.
Now, if I can't get decent internet out there... that could be a deal breaker! We will see!

Posted By: terrib Re: Memories... - 04-12-2012 12:44 PM
Christine,

Moving and all that goes along with will definietly keep you busy and exhausated, making sleep easier at night.

The land sounds wonderful!! To have a creek is even better. I want to wake up and look at water every morning when we retire. After visiting my son in FL and his condo had water on 3 sides I called my husband and said I was ready to move!!! AZ would never work for me, all that sand (desert) and no water.

The job opportunity sounds just what you need. Glad things are working out for you and happy to see you still posting.
Posted By: SUEZ Re: Memories... - 04-12-2012 08:21 PM
I'm confused where do you live Christine? MO or AR? I know they are right next to each other do you live right on the border or are you moving to AR for the job? lol sorry really befuddled but other than that HEY wonderful news!!! I would so love to live out in the country with a creek and creatures! lol Take pics put on FB I'll check em out! If my kids and grandkids and all my family didn't live right here in OH within 40 mins of each other...I'd be gone down to Florida probably, my friend sells homes down there, mostly the ones I can't afford lol but she is so good she will find me something she said if I really decided to move down there. She sells homes without people even coming down to see them personally, she does virtual showings and she is making a killing down there!
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-12-2012 08:46 PM
LOL, Suez I move so damn much I get confused... I am currently in Springfield MO... about two hours south is Springdale, AR where I used to live, and will be moving back to for the job.
It doesn't help me that the darn city names are so similar. I'll be botching that up for months.

I like FL and such to visit, but I don't like the ocean near as much as a river or good mountain stream... the continuity of flowing water soothes the soul. (mine anyway)

I will post pics on FB this weekend, I'll be looking at the properties tomorrow.

My son was humming and singing around the house again yesterday. It's been a looooooooong time since he's done that. I am so happy to see some joy in him again. He used to always walk around humming a song.

God is good my friends. Even when we don't see how it's possible through the darkness. He's with us always.

Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-13-2012 12:30 AM
Amen Christine!!
See, that was our problem too. Darn kids!! Just kidding!! I figured Kevin and I will have our day, now we know every day is a gift and I'm sad we didn't move where he wanted. Oh well, we are here now and here we will stay until the kids all graduate. We just built the addition for my Mom to live here a year and a half ago too, so I think she would kill me if I announced we were moving. Sure sounds awesome though.
How old is your son?
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-13-2012 03:57 AM
He will be 14 at the end of June, AND he just made my night by liking a property I found with 30 acres, mostly wooded. It's the farthest out of all I've looked at and THATs the one he likes. Go figure!
My big concern with it is going to be getting internet out there on the mountain!
And the address.... on True Love Rd.

Kinda cheesy, but I like it.

Posted By: Sandy177 Re: Memories... - 04-13-2012 04:40 AM
Girl, this is a family. We'd be missing you if you disappeared on us!
Posted By: Shelley K Re: Memories... - 04-13-2012 10:46 PM
Christine,

I LOVE the name of your new address! I admire you so much. You have shown (and still showing)so much strength and grace through what was probably the toughest time in your life. You are an inspiration to us caregivers. And what Sandy said is right...we are one big family here! You can't leave!!

Love,

Shelley
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-14-2012 12:50 AM
LOVE it!!! Hope it is something that can work out. How far would it be from work? The new job?
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-14-2012 02:10 AM
Aww... y'all are makin' me tear up! Thanks smile

Kathy it's about thirty miles from the office. About 1/2 a mile from a dear friend and soon to be again co-worker, so we may carpool if I can get her to sleep in past 5 am! She's always been an early riser and early to work.

There are a few level areas where a future dream house could be built on the property. Lots of peace and quiet, and an eastern view over the mountain tops for the sunrise.
The existing house is quite liveable in the mean time.
With Matt, I'd have already made an offer, but I find myself hesitating.

Tonight there are thunderstorms blazing through and I am off to early sleep. Visiting step daughter & granddaughter tomorrow, will need all the strength I can gather.



Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-14-2012 10:49 PM
Too depressed to get out of the house today. Second guessing everything. Taking a big time out.
Posted By: KP5 Re: Memories... - 04-15-2012 01:06 AM
So sorry Christine. I guess there will be days like this. I'm sure it's ok to give yourself a day off.
The land sounds just wonderful. Go with your heart. If you think Matt would have loved it, then go for it. Make a special place on the property that is your place to sit and talk to him! By the creek maybe?
No granddaughter visit today, but maybe tomorrow? Call some of those crazy girlfriends!! Wish I was closer!
Love ya'!
Posted By: Anne-Marie Re: Memories... - 04-15-2012 01:46 AM
Christine � there are certainly down days but there are good ones ahead, too. Take time to give yourself compassion and to heal at your own pace. Tomorrow the sun will shine and warm your heart. There is a really good little book of quotes by people who have suffered losses of one kind or another. It helped me through many �down� days while going through divorce and afterwards. It�s called �How to Survive the Loss of a Love� by McWilliams, Bloomfield and Colgrove. I found myself referring to various pages in the book from time to time and even started my own diary of similar thoughts encouraged by the ones in the book. It�s just a small, inexpensive little book and available at Amazon. I think it would help.
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-16-2012 12:26 AM
Anne-Marie I have a list of scripture I wrote down in the days following Matt's death that I refer to often. It's great comfort when I remember to do it!

I did go visit my step daughter and grand daughter today. It was SO nice to spend time with them. I feel much better today.
The mood swings sure come on swiftly when grief strikes. I never know what will set it off. I journal daily, sometimes it seems hourly and that helps me a lot.

Several days have felt so incredibly long. I will feel like a week has passed and it's only been two days.

Work will be good for me. Definitely.

Posted By: SUEZ Re: Memories... - 04-17-2012 01:28 PM
Christine
I wish I could buy that much beautiful property and live up my a river/creek and listen to the water running and watch wildlife hell I'd probably run some kind of dog shelter for Pitbulls!
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-18-2012 12:27 AM
wish it had a creek! LOL
Posted By: Sandy177 Re: Memories... - 04-19-2012 01:35 AM
One journey ended and another one began. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...even when you don't want to put either one of 'em on the floor in the morning! Believe me, time will pass and you will heal. Be gentle with yourself. And, know that you are loved.

Sandy
xoxox
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 04-19-2012 10:43 PM
Hello everyone! Today, I finally did it. I went in for a doc check up. Mainly because a pesky spider tried to eat my side and I ended up with some sort of staph infection the darn thing transmitted.
But... while I was there I DID talk to her about not sleeping and the all that has been going on.
4 scripts later, and I am on my way to feeling like a new woman.

Also, on a side note... Jamie here with OCF got Matt's page up.. just in case you want to read what I wrote about him.. here's the link..
http://www.ocfstore.org/Matthew_Moore_s/257.htm

The pic is Matt holding his first born, Amanda.
Posted By: CMMoore Re: Memories... - 05-16-2012 04:05 AM
wow, been a while.. i didn't take the land i was looking at, the house had more issues than i wanted to take on. i am now renting a house within walking distance to my brother and his family, my son gets to visit them whenever he likes and we are both coping well with the move. i am back to work, half way through week two and i have to say i am glad i decided to go back. the grief process is a huge challenge and with every good day comes the realization that he isn't here to share it with me. bittersweet is the norm for now.
Posted By: Jeanna F Re: Memories... - 06-10-2012 04:52 PM
Here for you hon...always...xxxx
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