I'm a little bewildered with myself. This is my husband's third bout with this stupid cancer and you would think I would be a pro at handling the emotions and all that goes with it. Instead I find that I am becoming more of a basket case. I can't sleep that's the worst. I'm wide awake at 3 or 4 in the morning after not going to bed til 12 or 1. I just want to get the surgery behind us. So recovery can begin. Unfortunately we still have 2 or 3 weeks to wait. Thankfully we see one of the surgeons on Wednesday ofr the last consult. The other bad thing is both our children are out of the country and I can't communicate with either right now. I'm feeling pretty alone. My husband is the type that doesn't want to sit around and talk about it. He say's there is no sense harping on the gastly subject. So I guess that is why I am venting here. No place else. I wish I would get to the angry stage or the grief stage already so I could have a good cry and probably feel better. Right now I'm stuck in the numb or stunned stage. A state of shock I guess. I find myself walking around just shaking my head.... I know there are many here at this site that have gone through exactly the same thing. And thank you all for listening.

Just needed a pity party for a little bit.

Bette

Bette

It came as a surprise to both my wife and myself just how hard the third time diagnosis of cancer hit us. From my point of view as the patient, it's even harder on the caregiver. My advice is based on our personal experience.

You should make an appointment asap with your general practitioner/family doctor and tell him/her about the inability to sleep and the fact that this is the third time around. Medically you are experiencing what is known as "situational anxiety", and like any medical condition, you should be treated for it. You don't need to go see a psychiatrist just a GP or even a physician's assistant. Ask for anti anxiety medication.

My wife read your post and said: YES, that is exactly how she felt. No sleep: basket case, no one to understand. She called our family doctor's office and said she needed anti anxiety help due to this third round of cancer. I had recommended Ativan, but the physician's assistant told her not strong enough or appropriate, instead she got prescriptions for Zoloft and Xanax. They really worked. In fact,she just renewed her Zoloft prescription.

Trust me on this, the third time is worst than the second time. You'd think it wouldn't be, but it is. The coping mechanisms that worked before just don't cut it.
I'm just a year younger than your husband so I remember the General Electric advertisement: Better things for better living thru chemistry. It has made a world of difference for my wife. You owe it not only to yourself, but to your husband and your children to get the medical help and TX you need and deserve. You wouldn't blink an eye if the doctors put your husband on something. He will need you now more than ever. Please take care of yourself.
You can still post and have a pity party, but call your doctor and make that appointment.
Oh, and no, there are not a lot of people here on OCF who have faced cancer three times. My wife got thru the first two times but the third time, she was also "a little bewildered". Trust me on this. Get some Zoloft and Xanax
Charm

Charm,

Thanks for the advise. I will call the Dr. on Monday. There is so much more to our story. I just having gone through a liver transplant and my husband 3 mos. post op from an aortic valve replacement w/ CABG 4 bypass. I've used anti-depressants in the past going throough my own ordeal. For some reason it just didn't dawn on me for a little chemical help.

Bette

Gosh Bette, you have had a go of it. I'm glad Charm gave you that advice. Good stuff. I take xanax still since about the last week of Kev's tx and that was a year ago! Just a lot going on here too and it helps me cope. I don't take it every day, just when feeling overwhelmed.
And you can have a vent session anytime!! That's one of the reason's we are here; cuz' we know someone will know how we feel and commisserate with us! Invaluable!!
So sorry for all you are going through.
Kathy

Ditto what Charm said.
I took sleeping pills every night. Sometimes I took two. I just had to go to bed to sleep, not constantly go through everything in my head. I borrowed far to much sorrow from tomorrow without those babies.
Tammy

I didn't have good experiences with the benzodiazepines, or sleeping pills. The Sleeping meds actually made me sleep walk. I did everything from cooking eggs in my sleep (that almost burnt the house down) to hunt the ninjas on the roof of my parents 3 story home in the middle of winter. No joke, my wife woke up and noticed I wasn't in the bed, or in the house so she went outside. I snuck up behind her and put her in a choke hold. Being a lifelong wrestler and mixed martial artist, not the best scenario.

Marijuana (vaporized or ingested never smoked) was the magic bullet for me, especially when on pain medications, helped me get off and stay off the opiates. I use it occasionally to help with pain, and to sleep, with the on side effects of making every thing funnier and the constant need to eat.

Just wanted everyone to know that the holiday at my daughter's and seeing the grandkids helped alot. The doc rx'd zoloft and trazadone to sleep. It's all starting to work and now that we are a week out. I'm feeling more in control.
Thanks to all of you for help and concern.

Very good to hear Bette, keep your chin up sister

So pleased to hear this Bette.

glad you are finally able to rest!
Insomnia is the worst. It is so frustrating and stressful watching the clock tick away and caulculating in your head how much sleep you would get if you fell asleep at that moment. I have always struggled with it, but it got out of hand during and after treatment. I have tried everything under the sun, and if I am having one of those nights, nothing seems to work! I tried ambien (12 mg time release), lunesta, adivan, lexapro, marijuana, and a combination of several of those, and some nights it just didn't work.

In the end, adivan (anti-anxiety) seemed to work the best for me. The insomnia finally went away for the most part, but i still take the lorazepam several nights a week if I feel like my mind is racing. I tend to go in cycles of weeks that i cant sleep, then ill be fine for a while. I am in one of my sleepless cycles right now... last night i ended up taking hydrocodone, hydropmorphone(for biopsy pain), ambien and lorazepam until i was finally able to fall asleep at 2am. Sorry for the long rant, i think i am slightly delirious from exhaustion

Anyway, you are not alone! hang in there!