Well, where to start? Written this before and find myself back here....mom is smoking!!!! I am so upset, that is the only adjective I can think of that covers all my emotions. I asked my dad outright about two weeks ago....i saw her hoping up on the side of his van to pop the visor down, saw her handle something and then slide something in her pocket....went out, pulled visor down, sure enough it was a pack of cigarettes-lights-BFD!!!- went inside and cried. asked dad to be honest he said yes, but not a lot...i asked him if he knew that it would cause extreme issues...he said he "really don't think so ....and it calms her down..." take a valium or soemthing!! i told him i have shared so much info from all i have learned here...am i cruel to say they are ignorant or arrogant? please help me as i am breaking so badly inside...its not about me, i understand but i can't get past the anger of it. asthma flare-ups, anxiety attacks....so mad.
as always, thanks.

and she is dropping weight...

oh Donna I am so sorry! I myself am an ex smoker, all I can say is I can't imagine going through what I have, and lighting up. I quit smoking when I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervics and learned that smoking increase my chance of cervical cancer by 40%. But you know, my husband is a smoker and also chews you would think after what has happened to me, you would think he would at least try to quit. Not a chance! I am so sorry, I can only imagine as a caregiver how much betrayal you must feel.

Donna, sorry that you are having to deal with this. I understand your frustration and fear. I don't think that your parents are ignorant or arrogant. We always want the best for those we love and hate to see them making choices we wish they would not make. We want to keep them as long as possible and as healthy as possible. However, in the end, it is their life, their choice and their right to choose.

I know I am probably coming from an entirely different perspective than most on the forum but I strongly believe that people have the right to self determination. After all is said and done, we are powerless over other people. If you mom refuses to quit smoking, then acceptance of her decision may be your only way to peace with it.

Dodie

I didn't mean ignorant in a rude sense-more that after all that we have learned, to not understand. As for the arrogant remark...well, you would have to know me...I don't trust the beast and it seems like they are pitching stones at it to just see what it does.

I was mom's primary cg, she has come such a long way and takes care of herself, and my father has been the most loving and strong man I have ever known-he is the one who primarily takes her to the appts in Philly now. It is a betrayal to herself. I can't comprehend why she would light up, right now she is doing HBO tx's for severe necrosis in her left lower jaw bone. last night she said she felt the 'little men' stabbing her tongue. this morning, a hunk came of the tongue... i looked into her mouth for the first time in a while and saw that there is all the colorful activity going on. I don't know what to say to her. I'm scared. I don't understand this addiction. I like to think that if it were me, and i had gone through pure hell as she has, I wouldn't do it.
I love my mom, she has always been my friend, but I feel now like she and I are so estranged. i'm angry. Disappointed. greiving the loss of the fighter she was for the last few years...

Dodie, you are so right. So much easier said than done for me.

Hi Donna,

I totally understand your frustration and anger. But I agree with Dodie....we have no control over anyone else but ourselves. If your Mom wants to keep smoking, then she's going to have to deal with the consequences. I hope that doesn't sound harsh but you can't make her quit. She has got to be the one who makes that decision. Its not your job. You have been a caring and wonderful daughter. Hopefully with time your Mom will realize what's the healthy thing to do and do it!

Shelley

Donna, Hi! Haven't written for a good while, but saw your post and had to reply. I can understand your feelings of being let down. All the time, love, and worry you have put toward your Mom. I still think emotionally this beast is sometimes harder for the caregivers. But her smoking again wasn't meant to hurt you in anyway, I'm sure. Being honest, she probably didn't think about what it would do to you. Not that she doesn't love or appreciate you...the "habit" just took over. She's going to have to be the one to want to stop. And hopefully she will when she realizes the consequences. Take care of yourself, and tell your Mom I said Hi. Linda

Oh Donna. I am so sorry to hear. This is my worst fear for my sister. I am so afraid that she is going to start up again also. She smoked a ciggerette day of surgery!!! I even get really mad when people smoke around her. I finally got to the point that I made my point about her smoking by telling her and haven't said a word since. If she smokes yes I will be very very upset, but I told her how I felt and I guess that's all I can do. It's a hard thing to swallow. Just tell her how you feel. Maybe you will have some peace.

Donna - It is so hard to see someone you care about going thru such a sad time. My mother smoked until she died from it, and I just lost a dear friend of mine (former nurse) because of smoking. I've never smoked and I've found it difficult to understand why some people seem to give it up so easily and others just can't. In one of my many visits to my nurse friend in the hospital before she died, she knew her daughter was upset with her and she confided to me, very emotionally, how she was addicted and just could not quit. I agree with Susan in that telling your Mom how you feel may bring you peace so you can accept your Mom's decision. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful and caring Dad to help with her care. You've certainly been a great caregiver and done everything you could. Maybe acceptance will allow you to have some more positive moments with your Mom to share.

Donna, Im so sorry to hear about this. After everything your mom went thru and to begin smoking again, its unthinkable!!!! Im sure you are just beside yorself. You probably feel so betrayed that after everything you have done to help her and take care of her she turns around and SMOKES?????? What the heck!!!!

I am a former smoker and would not even think of picking up a cigarette, EVER!!!!! Im not going to try to get Round 4. No way!!!!! I also cant imagine how someone could resume it after going thru tx. She knows its wrong or she wouldnt be hiding like a guilty teenager.

All you can do is tell her it will push her risk of recurrance up and it is not healthy. Print out some info and give it to her or your dad. Nothing else you can do. Of course you need to mention this to her doctors when they are puzzled why she is having problems. Again, Im really sorry to read your post. Tempting fate like this is not a good option.

Thanks everyone. I have said what I had to and that's that, I guess. I just needed to vent. Too embarrassed to discuss it outside of here...wow! that really sounds shallow, doesn't it? I don't mean to be. Love and peace to all.

**
Linda!! How have you been?

Donna, I like to see you vent to us. I wish I could do it publicly too. I have the idea that most are wose off than I am as like right now. All of this moving and keeping busy gets me so tired that my feet and legs say sit you dumbass.

Hey Jim!!
I miss you!!! I will try to log back on later and see if I can find you. Take a break now and again. love you.

I grew up with this poem on a plate hanging on a wall in my Grandmother's Kitchen:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -- Reinhold Niebuhr

I'm still waiting for that wisdom!

On my first day of chemotherapy last summer, I was talking to a man who was going through the exact same thing that I was. He was doing radiation, too, and it was his first chemo session, as well. He had been a heavy smoker. His wife couldn't even sit there with him - she had to go out and have a smoke! I wanted to say, "you idiot! Don't you see what he is going through!"

It does seem obscene to me to do something that may have brought you here in the first place...but it is an addiction. we spoke again the other day, i told her how i feel...she said she isn't smoking, but i have been told that before. i pray that she isn't ... i really don't want to be judgmental. she's a great fighter, tries everyday to be 'normal'--i don't know how i would cope if i were in a similar position.
God Bless her and love her.

Glad you spoke again Donna! It is an addiction and one of the hardest to let go of. I quit two and a half years ago and it was one of the hardest things I have done. I still think I am missing " something" from time to time. I to will pray that she has been able to quit. Unfortunatly it is something you have to "want" to do.
Best!!

Donna,

If you can't vent here...where can you vent? I don't smoke, never have, can't stand cigarettes. My mom smoked since she was 13, my wife's been a closet smoker for years...I get oral cancer and both of them start lighting up like chimneys.

Both of them say the same thing..."If YOU got OC, then it can happen to anyone so f*ck it, I'm smoking!" I had to just accept that they are going to do what they want...and I'm gonna do what i want...because when it comes down to it, lifes too f*ckin short not to. C'est la vie...

Donna - Vent anytime you feel the need! Anything shared is always more bearable. Loving someone is not always enough for some to quit smoking. When I left home at age my Mom had tears in her eyes - she didn't want me to leave, but it was not enough for her to quit smoking and she died 20+ years earlier than others in her family who lived well into their late 90's. My non-smoker son got the cancer. My other older son who smokes never got cancer and does feel guilty that (so far) he escaped getting it. But not enough to quit. If he got cancer, I think I would be having a major explosion of anger and grief all directed at him!! And Eric - I know about closet smokers. My ex-husband would smoke in the shower! Yes, "C'est la vie" but it can also be "C'est la mort" 20 years sooner.