Reminded Rod yesterday I was going back to work next week. He begged me to take another week off. I have just been off for 4 weeks, have used all sick leave & only have 5 days annual leave up my sleeve. Talk about a catch 22....the nurse yesterday said I need to go back for ME, even if only gradual & that Rod needed to become a little more independant. She told him with his meds decreasing, he needed to work his 'ass' off in the eating department which would contribute with his treatment recovery. She asked him why he wanted me home another week, he said he didn't know. After she had gone he said he felt like she had put him on the spot. I asked him why he so badly needed me to stay home next week, he said he just wanted me here. Work have agreed to me working from 9am to 1pm next week, then back to full time after that but boy, I felt a little emotionally blackmailed by Rod, not quite a win win for me, but is this dependancy natural? I'm guessing it is.....we need to now get some 'normal' back....

J

I agree with you and the nurse. He should be out of the tunnel by now and at 53 I think (hope) he's capable of caring for himself which at this point is really just about nothing. Time for him to stop the pity party and everyone needs to reclaim their lives back. I think you need to just tell him you're going back FT next week period, end of story.

OOh David thats harsh .Treatment finished 28th July thats less than 4 weeks ago.Rob had only just emerged from his sleep cocoon after 4 weeks and sure as hell wasn't ready to go it alone.

I just think its hard to let go of the emotional connection that develops between the patient and the care-giver. My mom was my care-giver and we got to the point of finishing each other's sentences after 12 weeks of being together day in and day out. When she had to return to work, it was hard for both of us. I was fully capable of caring for myself, that wasn't the issue, but it was hard to unravel the closeness we'd developed and move forward separately.

Jeanna, best of luck with returning to work. Its going to make you feel so much better getting out among people.

Your husband may be weak but by the time you hit full time he should be ok. I was in bad shape for about a month after tx finished then slowly started to recover. Your idea of part time next week sounds like a good plan.

I agree with the nurse as well. I was lucky enough that i could log on at home and work from home a few days a week, but after weeks I was back in the office most days.
I would come back some nights at 6.30 pm having been away from home since 8.30 am and he hadn't woken up or eaten or left the bed. I had to be hard, tell him off and force feed him. I started calling him from work every 2 hours just to make sure he was awake and eating. It worked.
He needs to stop relying on you. You will be there for him when you come back from work, and he can always call you. You will feel terribly guilty, but you are being cruel to be kind. You don't want him to be stuck in a "oh poor me I am so helpless" phase. Part time as a start sounds excellent. He can get used to being not there. Plus as Christine said it will give you a boost being out there in the outside world.
Good luck

Thanks guys for your support, I posted this last night, and with no responses within an hour I thought ooooh, they must all think I'm a cow!! I've felt between a rock & a hard place, and think he is angry with me for going back at all [don't think work is happy about it all but they've accepted it]. My folks were here yesterday and commented on how good he looks and that he seemed very much better than 2 weeks ago. David you have a good point, and he IS capable of making eggs, soup etc, but my fear is he won't. He is in so much of a hurry to go back to work himself, I said this morning that it won't happen unless he eats. I commented to the nurse that I think he thinks he is invincible, she agreed with me to let him 'go for it & learn the hard way', I just have to be prepared for any of his whims that fail to come back on me...I'm sure they will!! Yep, tough love. Hope it works - the thought is hard though as I'm not in his shoes, but nor is he in mine.....At least I can log on to my work emails & clean out my inbox from home!

Sorry but i still think barely 4 weeks post tx is a bit too early for tough love and trust me i wrote the book on tough love.

I agree Liz. Rod has been through one hell of an ordeal so I understand how he would be feeling a bit stressed about Jeanna going back to work. And Jeanna I feel for you. You would be feeling pulled in 2 directions at the moment. If your anything like I was when I was working I was useless. My thoughts were with Steve and I felt pulled in 2. Luckily I work for a very good company who gave me a 6 month career break with an option for a further 6 months if needed. No pay but I have my job to go back to when the time comes. Helps to know there's some security in our future.

Stuck between a rock & a hard place. Wish this nightmare was over, or better still had never begun. Wish I could stop my eyes welling up with tears. Wish, wish, wish.......

Don't we all Jeanna
I wish Rob had never got the disease,i wish he hadn't died at 44 years old,but he did,i wish i could turn my back on this disease and stop losing friends and family on theses boards and the english one but i cant and i wont.Tears are good and cathartic and trying to stop them does more harm than good so don't stress just let them fall,then wipe your nose fix a smile on your dial and carry on,just like we all do

From the patient's perspective, I walked out of my tunnel in my 3rd week post Tx and from that point on I was mainly weak but the serious stuff was pretty much gone like the nausea, dehydration, constipation and pain. Even when I was in the worst part of my Tx, my wife went to work everyday but was just a phone call away which I took advantage of many times. I still don't see any medical reason why Jeana HAS to be there especially if she doesn't really want to be there. Come on now were are talking about a grown adult who is certainly capable of taking naps by himself, opening a can of VHC every 2 hours and taking whatever pills he still does. Have you asked him what it is you are still needed for? JM2C's

I agree David i just think the "pity party" "tough love " comments were a bit early.

It's funny but the further away I get from my cancer and the more I think I understand about the dynamics of cancer, I know we all go thru the pity thing but I really don't think there's any room in cancer for someone to pity themselves as that's just another thing cancer can steal from us; our dignity so IMHO the sooner we can come to grips with cancer and fight it head on, the sooner we can help our bodies join with our outside helpers and give us the best chance to beat it.

I just mean that I don't think pity (or it's opposite denial) does us any good and the sooner we can get past that stage, the better.

Jeanna, I think you're being very smart to opt for the "in-between" place of going back part time for a week and then continuing full time if all goes well. You're letting Rod know that you care enough to start gradually but you're also taking care of your own needs, which are so important! I laud you for trying to find a middle place to land; you're conscientious and caring and also wise enough to know your own needs and wants.

There's no perfect answer for this, but you are clearly doing the very best you can, and that's all you can do! Hang in there, and good luck to both of you with this big transition. It will go all right, I feel sure.

Thanks for your imput guys. I know it is going to be really hard for both of us on Monday. I worked right up until the second last treatment, up at 5am, getting Rod - meds/feeds etc ready, showering, going to work, coming home, taking him into the city - 40mins to 1 1/4 hrs away depending on the traffic - for his appointments & treatments, getting home at any time between 6 and 8.30pm at night, repeating the morning ritual, sitting for an hour, going to bed, then getting up and doing it all again. It was like Groundhog Day! In hindsight, I don't know how I did it, I don't know how anyone can do it like that. Then the 1st 2 post Tx weeks I was like a mad woman, work was more restful! The last 2 weeks have subsided. It does sound a bit mean Liz - tough love etc, & I know where you're coming from, but I also agree with David - Rod can do his own meds now if I get them ready pre work, he can have 4 wheetbix & 1 liquid feed before I go to work, if he gets hungry he can have eggs/soup/more wheetbix, sleep, before he knows it I'll be home again. I am only 10 mins by car from home, & yes, a phone call away. the threats of infection, high temps etc have abated, and he can call the hospital nurse at any time. I reckon it will probably be harder in the end for me to leave him! No specific reason that he wants me home another week, I asked, he said he just 'wants me here'. I can understand this, but I have to go back to work sooner or later, we have no money!! It's not that I don't want to be here with Rod, I do, could then sit here & chat all day with you guys while he's sleeping...but logically, we don't have the finances to enable this - I'm at a 'no work no pay' status, until May....winning the lottery could be handy, but I'd rather come up with a cure that cures all by Monday. My work isn't a nasty place - because of Rod and another guy I work withs' mum, work donated $10k to Peter MacCallum Cancer Research in July, when the company turned 150 years old. More tears.....I could be working for a less understanding company....how do people without a carer get on? [ps - he is back to being able to swallow whole meds without being crushed - good huh?...]

Hi Jeanna

I'm really sorry to hear that you and Rod are having to deal with this horrid disease. He must be improving if he can swallow meds without crushing them. Hopefully that is a step forward.

I also had my radiotherapy and chemo at Peter Mc Cancer Centre. My surgeries have been performed at other hospitals, but some of the surgeons based at Peter Mc also operate at a couple of other hospitals around Melbourne. Does Rod have to have any surgery?

Where abouts in Melbourne do you live?

Karen

Hey Jeanna

please don't think i am being judgmental because i most certainly am not and have no right to be .I packed my bags and left my husband 5 weeks after his tx finished because he had hammered me into the ground in that period when his rads had finished and i was physically and emotionally wiped off the face of the earth.During that time his recurrence occured (something i struggle to live with every day)but I needed to stand back and as it turned out doing that was in fact the only thing that got us through the following four weeks .We were living on welfare by then as Rob was self employed and i am registered disabled,so i know where you are coming from.What i am saying is that i don't think you need to be doing it tough just yet,time enough for that if he continues to need you as an emotional crutch for much longer.He will be scared of being alone ...simple as.Not all men are as tough as our David lol some are just big babies who want their hand held for a bit longer than others.I thought my man was tough until i saw his face when i walked back in two weeks later and boy did i feel like the queen of bitches.

Of course you have to work and of course you will feel like a mum leaving her newborn for the first time.But if you are scared ..he will be to.

{{{{{Liz xxx }}}}} God, why is the globe so big?

Jeanna
facebook has made the world much smaller for a lot of us here,as we can chat live which is brilliant.I sure wish it had been around when i was sitting in the wee small hours typing long posts to Margret and Donna and many others friends and then waiting hours for their reply.If you fancy joining us then my facebook name is Liz Read and in my friends list you will se Margaret,Christine,Wendy,Gabe,David,Jim,Brian,and many many more

Karen, have sent you a PM - I think [technophobic!! LOL] let me know if there is nothing...Live in Mordialloc anyway...Bayside.... no surgery, hopefully future follow ups at Moorabbin after 1st scans in Oct/Nov.

David, fear is what does the damage, it is the worst thing in life...and being technophobic - what does JM2C's mean? - oh, and IMHO?...LOL...

Liz, I'm so sorry if you thought I though you were being judgmental...far from it, I'm very very good at hearing via email, have been trained to. If I need to read something 5 times before responding, I will. Emails can have tones...I'm so very sorry you experienced what you did with Rob. I feel we are all here for a reason. Rod & I met 4 years ago, my mum said today that even though it was a little while ago, I was meant to be here today. [and believe me, it almost wasn't]. - Can we share Queen of Bitches or does one of us have to move over??? LOL...see my next topic...

One day, one of us will win the lottery, provide all members of this site with web cams [& in my instance instructions] and we can all see each other blowing kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yes, my baby is asleep...we went to go away for the night to our 'Holiday Van' [in US this is a Trailer!!...] looking at putting it on the market, got 7 mins from home, had to come back. Anxiety. Dog - Patchie - looked at me when I opened the car to get him out again & said what the?????

I'm about to create a new topic on 'Grown up children of our partners/patients'...should be interesting...my blood was boiling earlier....ok now...

Will let all you guys know how next week goes...thanks for your love & support, I honestly don't know if I would be feeling the way I am at this point if not for you all...xxxx

And lets not forget Mightymouse...Mighty, I may be physically strong, but emotonally & mentally I can be weakened so thank you for your thoughts & support too.

Cookey, there might be 100 Liz Reads, I cant't even find my own brother LOL!! I have 1 friend, in the UK believe it or not. She had just turned 4, I became her nanny, she is now 23. Lucy Carnaghan...easy!! Find her & you'll find me, then you can tell me what to do next LOL....

Are you implying my name is common lol. cheek

LOL, not as common as Phil Foster!! What time is it there?

when you wrote this is was 8.30 am x.Have added you as a friend and passed it on to gabe,wendy,donna and a few others

Jeana,

JM2C's = Just My 2 Cents

IMO = In My Opinion

And yes, swallowing anything post Tx is something to be proud of and swallowing something bigger today than yesterday is a personal triumphant worthy of a gold star.

Thanks guys, I need two books - 'Facebook for Dummies', & Technotalk for Dummies'...LOL!! I'll learn.....recently became an unofficial nurse, if I can do that I can do anything!! When the sun rises & I have more light [in lounge, Rod asleep on couch], I'll log onto Facebook. Have been awake since 3am, & up since 4.30am, b---dy barking dog over the back.....

Ok now you can help me with

b---dy barking dog over the back....

What is that?

LOL...bloody...mild Aussie expletive, commonly used as 'bloody hell', 'no bloody good' or 'someones bloody dog barking its head off at 3am in the morning keeping us all awake once it's woken us', etc. Our failed Aussie Tourism quote 'where the bloody hell are you?'....

'Buggar' is another mild expletive, borderline though and has to be watched how used - another meaning for it is 'darn'!!

No doubt I sound American as you read this, as you sound like an Aussie when I read your posts!!...funny that...

Jeanna - Liz and ChristineB sent me your name on Facebook today. If you look through the older (by a few months) posts, you will find mine, one of the more memorable ones - at least to me - is entitled "Rant", which it was. I understand the "grown children of patient" thread...if you want to start it, I'm there - LOL! Going back to work for me was hard as I only work part-time anyhow but have two grandchildren at home with us. I'm racing the time when our insurance coverage will end due to my husband not being able to return to work as he does factory work and no longer has the stamina for it. I had thumb surgery 1 1/2 weeks ago and scheduled foot surgery for Tuesday so I have been AWOL from the forum lately tho have been on Facebook as I can play games which equals "not thinking". Anyhow, just wanted to introduce myself and let you know you're in the best place for support and help and it appears that you have been getting that

Cheryl

Thanks Cheryl, you have been through a lot, I feel for you. We have a good public health system here, don't need to pay, only a little for scripts. Rod will eventually work again, he would only need to work 1 day a week for us not to struggle, but for the meantime, we [I] struggle, knowing that when we aren't struggling, we'll look back and it will be oly a distant memory. Good job I know 'financial struggle'! Dirty words too, LOL.

I have already begun the Grown Kids thread, go for it, it could go on for a while!!

On line games are good, I know what you mean. I love Bookworm, when I beat the monsters, I know there's a part of me that is still intelligent LOL!!

Will look you up on facebook, somehow I think I prefer this site, less techno....will let you know when I've found you all!!

J
xxx

Well...off to work I went. Rod's feed hadn't finished & I had to leave. Filled the syringe for flushing, showed him what to do...wasn't much feed to go. Got to work, missed call from Rod. Called him back, he was in panic mode. He went to flush and forgot to close the feed cap...I've done it myself, poor bloke. Told him not to worry about the mess & that I'd flush when I got home which I did. Apart from that little mishap, he did good. I think It was me who didn't like leaving him!! Gave him 2 xanax before I left and prepared some breakthrough, he has only taken 1 xanax all day - says a lot for the anxiety...a good sign.

As for work, everyone was glad to see me but I was dumbfounded when my boss asked me when Rod was going back to work. Lets put that down to ignorance too.

Have a good day tomorrow everyone...Jeanna xx

PS...Thanks for all the friendship on facebook, great to put names to faces...maybe I don't need that 'Facebook for Dummies' book after all...still a bit slow on the upkeep though!! LOL