I've not posted for some time.

Need to talk to someone, thats been here, that knows how hard it is.

Mum finished radiotheraphy in April 07, been a hard journey sionce then, many side effects, so painfull to watch.

Told in August that visually by looking in her mouth it had gone, and it was all good.

September scan carried out, October scan results scan show scare tissue or cancer is back.

November Biopsy

Friday 29.11.07 results show CANCER IS BACK, no option of treatment "things have moved on now , maybe less than 6mts, we will aim to give you a good and dignified death"

I knew this was coming, Mum knew it was back and had told me for the last 2/3 mths.

Just hearing the doctor confirm it made it real, until then I did not have to face the reality.

My BIG FEAR, she will have a bad death, but how do I prepare for what will come.

She so thin, her breath smells, the doctor said she has bateria and mould in her throat, due to her not swallowing anything.

She is also amazing, she just tells me to be brave and at least I have sometime to prepare, how can I prepare, how come she never cries, she tells me she hopes she dies soon as she is scared of being in pain.

Talking here helps but the tears just roll, I guess they have to come out sometime.

Andrea

I am sooo sooo sorry you have to go through this. this disease is horrible and feels as though it shows no mercy .

It sounds as though mom is a pretty amazing and pretty strong woman . And you know I bet in her OWN time she does have her own moments. But being a mom we always want to protect our children and we don't want them to suffer , especially watching us go through somthing . It real hard to be a MOM and be sick . I have 5 kids ...all under 14 and when I was sick I wanted to be strong for them so they weren't scared. I couldn't bear them going through it . I never cried in front of them and I still do.

I hope that you all can find a way through this with some comfort and peace. I am always here to talk or listen as most of us are!

Shar

Andrea: So sorry to know that your family must go through this....We will certainly be thinking about you all during this time.

Keep us posted and lean on us if you feel the need.

Lois & Buzz

Andrea,
Am here and in similar position to your mom.
Have done, and am still doing, the whole 'brave thing' for my kids, both of whom are away--have just amnaged a transatlantic trip to make sure my daughter saw me 'looking well', probably for a last time.
Cry when you need to, you can bet your mom will cry sometimes--but not when you're there, if she can help it! It's just what we do as moms!
We LOVE you to bits, and want you to know how much, a mother's love is the most powerful in the world, but we don't want you to see us suffering.
Andrea--hang in there and keep visiting the site--we are all here for you AND your mom--and the relationship between you!

Brenda x

Andrea,

I know what it's like to hear the words that your loved ones cancer is back, but I haven't been told that there is nothing they can do yet. My heart aches for you and what that may be like. I understand how hard it is to be strong when you see your parent go through a difficult time. Your mom sounds like one strong lady, and I'm sure she has raised one strong daughter, even though you may not feel very strong right now.

Please know that you are not alone and that you and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.

Joy

Hi Andrea
having been where you are just a short time ago,i just want to say dont be afraid to ask me any questions that you like no matter how dark.My e-mail address is in my profile and i am in the UK as well so only a phone call away.

Please take advantage of the superb palliative care teams available (Macmillan services)it really is a whole 24/7 family support and not just patient care.The one thing they are superb at is pain control and provide a huge shoulder to cry on for you and other family members.

When the pain starts to get bad a short stay in a hospice facility to get a pain management regime established will be invaluable and supportive,and usually only requires a few days .


Dont leave these things Andrea,get everything in place now so it will kick in a soon as you need it.
Where abouts in the UK are you situated?

One thing i would like to say is listen to your Mum.This is about what she wants now and how she wants to do it.There will be times you want to shout and scream things like "dont give up" or you may wonder why she doesn't want to fight it anymore or doesnt want to see people or to eat anything or sometimes even speak to people.

Take some time now while things are still ok to find out exactly how she wants to do this and then respect her decisions and assure her you will follow them to the letter,no matter how hard that is for you.She will have a more peaceful and calm few months if she can relax and trust that you will do as she asks.

When all that is done ,savour every moment because for a while these next weeks and months will become your most precious memories and will have to sustain you through some very dark days after she is at peace.

love and strength

liz

I am overwhelmed that you guys take the time to reply.

Thank you, your words bring on my tears, but your words mean so much coming from people who really know how it is.

My step Dad is 82 and earlier this Mum came and stayed with my family for about 4 mths, this was hard on my Step Dad as he missed her so much but he could not give her the level of care she needed and we could not cope with them both (his daughter lives round the corner from him).

When she went home I tried to get help for them but it all seemed so slow and such hard work, that betwen us we did our best and as Mum got stronger things got better.

Do you think now that it is teminal she will get the help she needs to be able to stay at home.

The big problem is if she gets to week to take her food and medication via her PEG who will do it when she has so many time slots during a normal day.

Will nurses come in 4 / 5 times a day, I can't see how she will managed to stay at home and I know that where she wants to be.

Do I start making noises now and who to?

Andrea--your first port of ncall should be the MacMillan nurses--you should have been 'allocated' one at the hospital and given a number---don't hesitate to ring!
They provide both practical and emotional support and will help you fill in any forms which will help mum get the care to which she is entitled.

Also, contact the GP surgery AND Social Services, so everyone knows what is going on and needed.

A visit to a local hospice with her might be a good idea--Cookey will tell you how good they are and what a blessing it was for her Robin.

You are in my thoughts during this sad time,

Brenda x

Andrea,

I do not have alot of personal experience with having to deal with terminal illness, even when My grandmother passed it was unexpected. But there are people here who can see you through.

As far as Us all being here to repsond....There is NO PLACE I would rather be . After all this site and people on here have done for me ..this is the least I can do , But I also want to . It makes me feel better, Not that anything I can say can make you feel better or change it . But I do want you to know my thoughts are with you during this difficult time


Shar

Andrea, my Mother went thru same thing,, just make her life as enjoyable as possible.. I took ,mine anywhere and everywhere she wanted to go and tried my best make her smile.. you have all my prayers

Has anyone heard from Andrea?


Lois

she sent me a long e-mail a while back Lois in which she asked all the questons that were troubling her.I answered as best i could and she replied and sounded very positive.she has talked to her Mum and i think will be busy doing everything she can to carry out her mums wishes and spend as much time with her as she can

love liz

Kindly let her know that she is in our thoughts and prayers.

Love, Lois

Liz,

I always have pictured you a little more staple than the Avatar you selected.

LOL David,, it does look a lil different. Maybe there is something we don't know about Liz.. maybe an acrobat in a past life.

And she always bounces back up!

Cheeky beggars .The avatar was chosen more for the connection to my size!!!!!.I will say no more on the subject,and David .......perhaps you better not either

Sounds like Liz just made you a promise David.. LOL

I found that avatar on the web and loved it. I have been adding new ones to the site as I come across them, funny when possible, serious most of the time. But this is definitely (with the penguins) one of my favorites. Obviously the web is full of these things, most not appropriate for a cancer site.

Hmmmmmmmm should I cross that line or not ??

Gotta think a bit on that one. Gotta remember what my mom taught me. I'll be back.

Liz,

I actually thought your avatar related more to achieving the impossible...i.e. elephants doing gymnastics.
I thought, for me, as a caregiver, an avatar of someone juggling bowling balls would be appropriate.

Deb

Deb - here's one for you if someone can put it in the avatar list:
http://webpages.charter.net/xila/jester1.gif

Anne Marie,

Thanks..cute, but those balls are much too small...somebody make them bigger! Once again... Deb

Oh, and I think I am sorry for hi-jacking this post as it is way more important than avatars...let's move the discussion to the AVATAR post everyone:

http://www.oralcancerfoundation.org/forums/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/67091#Post67091

OK, Deb - Sorry - I didn't know you wanted BIG balls! If I find some, will let you know.

Deb sounds like you need to speak to David.

David...be afraid be very afraid!!!

Yeah I wouldn't want that thing jumping up n down on me !!

I'm just sitting here laughing at the big balls. Can I watch you juggle them? LOL

Andrea,

I know its a tough, I'm in the same spot with the same time fame and just trying to make everything things as comfortable as I can for mom. I guess we can only take it one step at a time..

Does anyone know how Andrea is or what happened with her mom? Has she moved somewhere else on the board?