My boyfriend has 13 radiation treatments left and 2 chemo treatments left. He quit! He says he can't take the stress, the sores in his mouth, not being able to eat (no feeding tube-he wouldn't get one) and all the nasty things that go with this treatment. He won't talk to me, he won't talk to the doctors, he won't ake any meds or see a therapist. He is so mean and nasty to me (which is ok, i know he's going through a lot) but i don't know what to do. How much do I push? How much do I back off? He is aware of the outcome of finishing treatment and not finishing treatment but he doesn't care. he said he feels like he's getting too much chemo and radiation and that he's sure the cancer is gone. I can only hope he is rite. George also has a blood clot in his leg and he is on coumadin and 2 injections of lovenox per day. This clot could kill him and he doesn't care. I asked him to let me bring him to the doctors just to address the blood clot and he told me that I woke him up, leave him alone and stop bothering him. he hasn't eaten anything in 3 days and maybe has had one cup or two of water.
Has anyone had this happen to someone they are caring for ? Did they come around? How do i know when it's time to call an ambulance to the hospital if he continues not to eat? i am desperate for any answers.
jayann--care giver to george with tonsil cancer

Dear Jayann

I have had a wealth of experience caring for a difficult man,but i am afraid i cant give you any words of advice about yours,because mine did finish the treatment even though he now ignores all the advice he is given.I can only pray for you that very shortly,when he starts to feel really sick,he will beg you to get the doctor.Have you spoken with his doctor, it may be that they need to get a counsellor or therapist involved.Here in england we have Macmillan Nurses who come to the house and are trained in all aspects of Cancer Care both active and palliative.Do you have such a service in the states?Can you call a cancer nurse to the house.Oh dear i feel so in touch with your pain but useless in helping .You need outside help.

Liz in the UK

Dear Liz,

The doctors and I both agree that a therapist is needed but George refuses.I can only hope that he comes around.
We do have a "visiting Nurse" service which I will look into. The doctors and onclogy nurses have not mentioned anything like that but i think that the visiting nurse service is put in place when a patient is at the end and is going to die.It's more of a home hospice.
Thanks for taking the time for me,
all the best to you, jayann

Our Macmillan nurses specialise in the whole family approach to cancer.They do all the practical things a patient might need plus take time to talk to all the family members involved give advice and help and best of all provide a shoulder to cry on for mum dads wives children and girl friends.They are on call 24hours a day and forge links with the family that last long after their work is done.If the patient gets better thats great but they are also trained in helping families through when there is nothing further the doctors can do.These Nurses are truly angels,and i wish i could wing one to you so that you had someone talk to ( even if george didnt want to)

If he doesn't drink anything, he is going to get dehydrated and land in the hospital anyway. He should be getting at least 2000+ calories a day. He can do this on Ensure Plus, Carnation VHC or whatever. It doesn't have to be food, per se. I didn't have a peg and lived on Ensure Plus and water for several weeks. If the chemo is really making him that sick, he can probably skip the chemo or change to a less toxic one, but he really needs to finish all his radiation treatments. He also needs the blood clot addressed as you already know. It's a three day weekend coming up. I'd call his doctors and let them know what is going on with clot and no food/water and ask them what to do.

Take care,
Eileen

Unfortunately, your boyfriend has put you in a "no win" situation. If he coantinues not to eat or drink, he will end up in the hospital or dead. Someone needs to make that clear to him. Then he will have to make the choice. It's awful that you have to go through this. Amy in the Ozarks

WOW, so sad to hear. I wondered many times if my husband would give up. I really have to wonder at this point in time if your boyfriend is really thinking clearly. I think and I could be wrong but he needs more people talking to him not just yourself. Have a friend or family member talk to him and set him straight. (whatever it takes to get him to the hospital and eating and drinking again) I would go so far as to call his doctors and ask them what to do. Call emergency, just ask the question and get him some help. Dont let him slip away, he may want to but if it takes yelling, screaming and/or crying get him to the hospital now. He needs medical help both physically and mentally. Really how does anyone go through this terrible treatment of wearing the mask for radiation and needles in the body for chemo. WOW, not to mention the illness itself. Get a move on..Chin up..do it. Keep us posted. Carol.

I'm a former nurse and a dehydrated patient will often times suffer mental instability, confusion, etc. Someone needs to intervene with him before it gets worse. In your shoes, I would call and talk to his doctors. Good luck with it.
Minnie

Hi everyone!

Thanks so much for your support! liz, uk sounds like a great place to live if you are sick!
George agreed with me and his oncologist that he needed to go to the hospital. i brought him into emergency at 4 yesterday. They hydrated him etc. and thank God they admitted him. he seemed a lot better in the next 3 hours. The docs will deal with him today.
I overheard him say to one of the attendings that his doctor told him that he could take the rest of the week off of treatment and resume after the holiday it made me hopeful that he is considering finishing his treatment. I have brought a lot of his friends and some family to talk to him. I hope they keep him in the hospital and finish his treatment (at least chemo ***2 left) while he is there , not because i don't want to take care of him but I think it's the only way he is going to cooperate and finish. I know as soon as he comes home and has a bad day he's going to stop everything again.
Unfortunately you all know too well what i am going through but it's nice to talk to other people that know what you are talking about!
best for all, jayann

Just a wee note, Jayann. When my husband was so sick in the hospital, from blood loss. It was suggested that I take him home after a few days there. I flatly REFUSED and told them I did not want him home until he was better and I could manage him. Normally I would never speak up but..well ...I did and they kept him for 2 weeks in a private room. Thank goodness they did. He is in 7th week now, continues to have low red blood cell count and may not be able to do his final chemo, but the doctors are saying he is making excellent progress and he is doing better than they expected. Chin up...Hang in there. Carol.