Sometimes I look at my dad and just want to cry. He is doing so well-10 more rads to go and 1 chemo. No nausea. The hospital almost killed him by overdosing his narcotics. I am crippled by fear that I might lose him to this. I know, I know...live in the now-savor the moments-I just love him so much and I just didn't think that I would face this so soon in life. I would always gloat that we are so close in age (well, 19 years) and I would have him around until I am 60. Well, I'm 29 and helping him with the battle for his life. I feel so scared sometimes. He is living with me now because we're so close to the hospital. I am shocked at how well he's doing though-we are blessed, there have been so many prayers. I know that death is what we all do. It still sucks.
Thank you all-we're hanging in there.

SM, Remember how strong you really are, and that your Dad needs you very much to stay that way. You are a blessing to him. Amy

You know you and Dad are on my list of blessings. Having lost the majority of my family there are no words I can say but there is always hope and that is what you cling to every day.

Blessings,
barb~

Dear Shawna,

Hang in there girl. Tomorrow will be better. I know that pain in your heart when you just think of how much you love him. You are blessed with a great Dad. Great Dads....what a concept. I had one too. You will get through this.

No nausea...that's good!!!

Prayers sent your way for peace and strength.

Brenda

Shawna, Sounds like your dad is doing well with the treatment now. That's great! If I do the math, it looks like I'm your dad's age and my husband is several years older. We have a 25 year relationship and have always been close and are even closer now having gone through this together. Early on after my husband's diagnosis, I would worry a lot about whether he was going to survive or not. It really made me anxious and upset. Then I realized that all the things I had heard all my life about attitude and one's thoughts affecting one's emotions were really true. And I realized that I could worry myself sick for months, or even years, and it wouldn't help a thing. Regardless of whether he eventually ended up living a long full life or died young, time spent worrying about it before it happened was a serious waste. So I decided to believe that he WAS going to live a long normal life and to live and make plans accordingly. I can honestly say that once I made that meantal leap, I've been at peace with the situation. I also do everything I can to relieve stress - I was biking on nearby nature trails 10 miles every night for months before the weather turned really bad recently, listening to auto-hypnosis tapes to promote calmness, praying regularly. And it all made a huge difference for me.

I know how hard it is to think you may lose someone you love so much. But none of us are fortune tellers, and you don't know that you ARE going to lose him (and hopefully you WILL NOT lose him) , so believe things will work out and enjoy your time together.

Take care, and glad to see you're almost at the rad finish line. Connie.

Shawna,

Keep the faith, everything will go well for your Dad! Take it a day at a time, yet think of the day when you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, that is the best way to get through this.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your dad,
Ashwin.

Connie,
That is a wonderful way to look at things. I am gong to take it to heart. I too worry all the time about the future-what if Lee has gone thru all this for nothing, about our 6 year old son, on and on and on... But your words are comforting and you're right,what will be will be, and we need to live now and cherish what we have. I really will try. Thank you.
Doreen

Hi Shawna,
My dad also has cancer , tongue 3rd stage. He is starting his 4th week Monday with 3 more to go. He goes for radiation 2x a day and chemo once a week. He will be 56 next Thursday. I know your fear because I feel the same way. We have to think positively and be strong for them. We'll all get through this. I'll keep your dad in my prayers and please keep in touch to let me know his progress.

Tracy

Hi Tracy-
I was just wondering what chemo regime is planned for your dad? My Mom has the same cancer/same stage and she is having a heck of a time with the IMRT combined witht he chemo. Just curious on what your dad is getting and how he is doing?
Thanks
Tami

I can totally relate to the scared feeling about our parents. Some days, I just wonder if I can handle watching all this.

Cisplatin REALLY kicked Moms butt. I find my self crying like a little baby at times..never around Mom. I know she needs my strength! And like you said Shawna, yes, I'm aware we all go sometime too but this hasn't made it any easier. I say my prayers and count blessings every day. It it SO hard to see the person who always stood by you regress into such a weak stage. I never have enjoyed rollercoaster rides and this one has been at high speed.

Mom is only 67 and I'm not willing to let her go without a fight. I will respect her wishes if she tells me she just can't take the treatment no longer but I don't see that happening. She is such a fighter.

She had a blood infusion yesterday due to her count (mainly HGB) being too low. And here we are this moring getting ready for the 1 hour drive to get rad. Through my prayers and this site, I continue to find the strength I need to take each day as it comes.

Bless you all!
Dee

I understand your worries and daily thoughts of loosing your loved one. My Mom has rt tonsil & tongue cancer and she has completed radiation and 30 TX of chemo just to have it come back. She than had her right tonsil removed about 1 month ago and now they want to scrap that area or do a flap type surger of the jaw and tongue area. She is in so much pain every morning that she just cries and her attitude is far from positive. She is already planning not being her much past Christmas. This is so difficult to hear your own Mom say. She just doesn't want any other surgies! She has refused to do the flap surgery because she feels she can't make it threw it. She has had a peg tube for about 5-6 months now and doesn't eat or drink anything by mouth. Even though, the doctors tell her it would be beneficial to her healing process she says she can't do it. It is so hard because I want to support her but I also want her to fight harder! Than I feel so selfish for thinking and feeling that way. I work full-time and have two kids that are 5 & 2 and I can't spend enough time in one place. I came to this website to educate myself on the treatments available and hope that I can talk her into not giving up. I would appreciate any advice to help with this struggle. I should also mention that I lost a close friend who was 35 years old two months ago to stomach and liver cancer and he had two children 2& 4. He fought this cancer with everything he had and he was told in the beginning that it was NOT curable! On some days he would lay in the chair next to my Mom getting his chemo and between watching him fighting with everything he had and my Mom's negative attitude and than loosing him, I can't sort all these feelings out! Thanks for listening!!!!

Wow....so sorry about your Mom having to be affected by this nasty disease! It is so hard to see a parent (especially a Mom) suffer like this. My Mom has BOT SCC. She has had a terrible battle with the treatment. It is a barbaric cure and so difficult to see what she has endured.

Is your Mom being seen for depression? From what I understand clinical depression is common for hnc patients. Possibly her unwillingness to fight is related to depression. Perhpas if she has not already seen one, she can be examined by a psychologist.

You must be under an extreme amount of stress especially after the loss of your friend. I also have 2 young kids but my Mom lives out of state so I can not help out as much as I would like. The one thing you need to do is take care of yourself so that you can be strong and healthy for your family (especially the kids!!) Sometimes I have to actually schedule a mental break from stressing about my Mom. I find that I spend most of my waking hours thinking, stressing, researching about this nasty disease that has put a black cloud over our lives. I become short fused and snappy with the kids. Then when I feel like I am losing my mind I will allocate a 2 hour cancer break. During this time I will not allow myself to think about "the cancer". I won't go on the computer, or talk about it. Just to give my mind a break and think about positive things. This always seems to help me regroup.

I hope that your Mom finds the strength & will to fight. Just keep loving her!
Best wishes!
Tami

Tami,

Thank you so much for your kinds words! Its so nice to hear from someone that truely understands what I am going threw.

My kids are my only outlet right now. It's so nice when I can sit down and play with them and it seems like nothing else matters! Your right, I need to do it more often...

Thanks again!