Playing Hooky - 03-17-2005 02:15 AM
As if I weren't already worrying about everything under the sun, another unforseen issue has arisen for which I need your advice....
The good news (if there ever really is any):
Harry is scheduled to go into the hospital Monday to have the PEG put in. He is not very happy about it, as I suspect many people aren't, but he has not had the drive or determination to try to eat and he is losing weight fast and furious as well as being malnourished and somewhat dehydrated. We are almost done with the rad tx. Only 7 left (I think).
The bad news (and the advice point):
We went today to meet and greet the Gastro doc. She happens to be in the same treatment area as our oncologist, so in this process I talked to the nurse for our oncologist to let her know that he was still running fever in spite of the antibiotics and other meds he has received over the last 10 days. She talked to the doc and he ordered another blood test with cultures.
We went to the lab and for the first time I saw my husband wince in pain when the lady stuck him. (both times)
Then we went down to the basement for rad. While we were there I was inquiring as to how many txs we have left. The tech explained that the actual tx plan is complete and they are now doing a boost tx. (whatever that means)
Then the tech asked me a very curious question. Was my husband able to do his tx today? I looked at him a bit puzzled and asked why he was asking. He said because my husband left yesterday without getting his tx.
I was floored and I know that the tech must have sensed that I was not aware of this when I turned to him and said, "I know he didn't have tx yesterday because there was something wrong with the machine." At which point the tech looked at me and said, "No, the machine was fine, your husband said he couldn't do it and left."
My heart fell to the floor. Here he is at the end of these txs and he walks away. And on top of that he lied to me about it.
I wasn't sure what to say to him. I know what I wanted to say (and didn't of course). I wanted to yell and scream at him. "ARE YOU CRAZY!! AFTER ALL OF THIS TIME WHEN YOU CAN SEE THE FINISH LINE?"
He did do his tx today but that was because I was standing over him. Yesterday I had a hearing test in another part of the hospital and he met me there when he was done (quit).
So all of this long winded explanation is leading to this anything but simple multi part question:
Have any of you backed out or do you know someone who has? How do I help to keep him on track? What if there is nothing I can do and he just gives up? It seems like a lot to go through to walk off in the 9th.
I am truly struggling to understand not only my own feelings but the pain and suffering that you as the patient endures through this process. I am only of one perspective unfortunately so I am doing my best to understand something of which I really cannot understand.
The only things that I know are these:
I love this man more than my own life and I would give all of myself to take his place. 6 years ago we had a car wreck and Harry was in ICU for a couple of days, in the hospital for 14 days (I never left his side) and then 8 days in rehab. 3 Months in a wheel chair and every May 27th I celebrate the new lease on life he was given.
We were in love and had only been living together for 2 months when the accident occured. I remember begging God not to take the man that I finally found in my life to love me forever. I was sure that he was the one. I am still!!
Now I beg and plead that he will make it through this. I have everything to give and nothing to help. All my efforts can never change what will be, whatever that is, but I try and give more than I have. I wish there were points for love because maybe I would have a couple anyway.
I know this seems long. I am sorry it is just that writing is my release, my therapy. I need input worse than a computer. I am forever trying to figure out the things in life that are almost pointless to ponder. The nature of a very busy mind.
Thanks for reading. Sorry about the length. I just have to build the watch. Nature of this beast I guess.
Cindy
The good news (if there ever really is any):
Harry is scheduled to go into the hospital Monday to have the PEG put in. He is not very happy about it, as I suspect many people aren't, but he has not had the drive or determination to try to eat and he is losing weight fast and furious as well as being malnourished and somewhat dehydrated. We are almost done with the rad tx. Only 7 left (I think).
The bad news (and the advice point):
We went today to meet and greet the Gastro doc. She happens to be in the same treatment area as our oncologist, so in this process I talked to the nurse for our oncologist to let her know that he was still running fever in spite of the antibiotics and other meds he has received over the last 10 days. She talked to the doc and he ordered another blood test with cultures.
We went to the lab and for the first time I saw my husband wince in pain when the lady stuck him. (both times)
Then we went down to the basement for rad. While we were there I was inquiring as to how many txs we have left. The tech explained that the actual tx plan is complete and they are now doing a boost tx. (whatever that means)
Then the tech asked me a very curious question. Was my husband able to do his tx today? I looked at him a bit puzzled and asked why he was asking. He said because my husband left yesterday without getting his tx.
I was floored and I know that the tech must have sensed that I was not aware of this when I turned to him and said, "I know he didn't have tx yesterday because there was something wrong with the machine." At which point the tech looked at me and said, "No, the machine was fine, your husband said he couldn't do it and left."
My heart fell to the floor. Here he is at the end of these txs and he walks away. And on top of that he lied to me about it.
I wasn't sure what to say to him. I know what I wanted to say (and didn't of course). I wanted to yell and scream at him. "ARE YOU CRAZY!! AFTER ALL OF THIS TIME WHEN YOU CAN SEE THE FINISH LINE?"
He did do his tx today but that was because I was standing over him. Yesterday I had a hearing test in another part of the hospital and he met me there when he was done (quit).
So all of this long winded explanation is leading to this anything but simple multi part question:
Have any of you backed out or do you know someone who has? How do I help to keep him on track? What if there is nothing I can do and he just gives up? It seems like a lot to go through to walk off in the 9th.
I am truly struggling to understand not only my own feelings but the pain and suffering that you as the patient endures through this process. I am only of one perspective unfortunately so I am doing my best to understand something of which I really cannot understand.
The only things that I know are these:
I love this man more than my own life and I would give all of myself to take his place. 6 years ago we had a car wreck and Harry was in ICU for a couple of days, in the hospital for 14 days (I never left his side) and then 8 days in rehab. 3 Months in a wheel chair and every May 27th I celebrate the new lease on life he was given.
We were in love and had only been living together for 2 months when the accident occured. I remember begging God not to take the man that I finally found in my life to love me forever. I was sure that he was the one. I am still!!
Now I beg and plead that he will make it through this. I have everything to give and nothing to help. All my efforts can never change what will be, whatever that is, but I try and give more than I have. I wish there were points for love because maybe I would have a couple anyway.
I know this seems long. I am sorry it is just that writing is my release, my therapy. I need input worse than a computer. I am forever trying to figure out the things in life that are almost pointless to ponder. The nature of a very busy mind.
Thanks for reading. Sorry about the length. I just have to build the watch. Nature of this beast I guess.
Cindy