So, the past few days Hubby has been so quiet I hardly know he's here. I finally got him to talking and he told me he's just tired of fighting this. I tried to point out how he's come back from worse ... after radiation it was all he could do to get down a tiny sip of water. At least this latest surgery left him able to get down purees and Ensure.
He complained about the dark dreary days. Today we have sunshine and I tried to get him to sit in a chair where the sun will shine on his face. He only lasted about 10 minutes. Then back to the recliner.
He says he just wants to sleep till he's feeling good. I tired to remind him how healing being up and about is for a person. I got the frown. He truly does want to do nothing but sleep.
How on earth can I inspire him to be active? It's been 3 weeks since surgery and there's nothing wrong with his legs or his lungs. He's just not motivated to get up.
And how do I keep from being drug down with him? My one sided cheeriness can only last so long. At some point I need to see a response, or some results, or at least a smile.
How does one deal with the emotional crippling of a cancer?
I am so sorry you and struggling with this! I cant imagine how you manage to be cheery when your husband is so down on everything. To me, it sounds like you are a wonderful supportive caregiver.
Depression is very common with oral cancer patients. Even caregivers can have a hard time coping with everything they are facing. Many patients (and caregivers) need anxiety meds and a good experienced therapist to help them thru it. Being force to face your own mortality (or your spouses) can be overwhelming for many. Some feel there is a stigma around seeking this type of help so many patients (and caregivers) who could benefit wont get the help they need. I would suggest asking his doctors or nurses if the treatment center has in terms of this type of help.
Maybe have a few close friends or relatives stop by for visits and give you a break even if for only an hour or two. I would also try to encourage him to take a very short walk and gradually increase the distance every other day or so. Maybe start just walking out to get the mail and maybe around the outside of the house building up to walking around a few blocks of your neighborhood. The fresh air and exercise will help get your husband up and out so he doesnt only sit around feeling upset everyday.
Hang in there, it will get better. This whole thing can be overwhelming to most patients and caregivers. This phase is only temporary. It takes a long time to recover and bouncing back can never be fast enough. Sounds like you are doing great by reminding your husband of everything he has accomplished. Keep up the positive attitude as long as possible. In time it is bound to rub off and help.
((((HUGS)))
I took your advice, Christine, and mentioned to daughter that her Dad was feeling depressed. An hour later, she called him to say she was picking him up at 11 on Friday to go to a matinee movie. She didn't give him an option - just said she'd be here. This is going to be SO good for him. A small step, but a step none the less.
That encouraged me to be a little more forceful about other things. The car needed gas yesterday, and instead of just doing it myself - I said "We need gas. Could you take care of that for me?" And he DID!
Also, I suffer from arthritis in my hands and his pill crusher is very hard for me to work. After dinner, I loaded the meds into the crusher and handed it to him for the grinding - which he gladly did. Again, a small step - but one towards doing some of his own care.
Maybe I'm too busy walking on eggshells here, and need to steer us both back towards normalcy. Whatever that is.
Glad to see that he's getting up & moving. A large part of what motivated me to get better, was just to feel needed & feel as if I'm truly contributing to something again, rather than feeling like I'm being a constant burden on my family & friends.
These little things probably really matter to him - your daughter needing his time & yourself relying on his help with the car & something as seemingly minor as crushing the pills.
Way to go Donna!!! Im so happy you have become more assertive with being a caregiver. Sometimes thats necessary when the patient isnt cooperating with things they should. Im sure these small accomplishments have helped make you feel some relief.
By the way, I picked up a pill crusher at RiteAid that is very easy to use and it will crush the meds super finely so they can be put into water and down a tube (or concealed in food like yogurt or applesauce). Im sure any retail store that has a pharmacy offers something similar.
Pill crusher Keep up the good work!!!
Donna - So happy to hear things are going better! Keeping busy is really good for both patient and caregiver. The exercise gets oxygen going to the brain which is bound to make one feel a lot better and it relieves stress. The feeling of being in control is so important to a survivor even if just a small little task. Keep doing what you're doing - You are a great caregiver!
Christine - I never thought of a pill crusher. I have some trouble with arthritis, too and my senior cat won't eat the Brewers Yeast tablets I give him (for flea control) unless they are crushed up in his soft food. So I'm going to get me one, too! Thanks for the tip!
I can't thank you enough for all the encouragement here. And, to Vanpaddler, thanks for reminding me to try to see things from the other side. I never once considered that he might feel useless, and that has to be just awful. We have a brush pile that needs burning - and with the break of a few nice days here, we have one last chance. That's my project for tomorrow, and I do believe I'm going to need help. :o)
We've had interesting news from the doctors, but I'll post that on my thread in Fear and Anger. It's good news for now, but I'm certain to stay with this forum. Everyone here has been amazing!
You're welcome!
The pills are reduced to powder after crushing them with the pill crusher.
Just remember to never crush any time release medication, only regular pills.
I've stumbled upon another trick for crushing pills. I had an old coffee grinder in the cupboard, and it did the trick. Quick and easy. It works on even just one pill, which sort of surprised me because I thought I'd need a small pile in there. If you don't have one, I've seen dozens of them at garage and estate sales for just a couple of dollars - or they're not all that expensive new.