Hi there, I've posted once before after my fathers surgery which took place in May earlier this year. Just here for some caregiver support/advice-I am at my wits end/desperate and I don't know what do to.

I am the primary caregiver for my father who is currently undergoing radiation therapy for base of tongue cancer. At this time, he has 6 treatments left to go . We do have a family friend that also helps out with the caregiving that lives closer (b/c I live 45 minutes away), so that is a big help, but I am there every day checking up on him & driving him to his treatments, paying bills, coordinating his care, etc.

One issue is with my sister (who also lives in the area) but does not provide any support whatsoever and is so blind to the situation that she feels that it is OK to move 16 hours away in 2 weeks. So of course I am mad, angry and resentful about that-we used to be close but now i'm not even speaking to her for what she is doing to me & my dad-as I know he is upset/sad about this but wont talk about it.

Another issue is with my dad himself...I do know that all of this is very hard for him, and I cannot possibly even begin to understand what he is going through, but he continues to not follow doctor advice, continues to smoke and he has started abusing alcohol (vodka). He is what I could call a functional alcoholic before the cancer, but since all of this, his drinking has gotten way out of control. Its a very sad story and having to watch him do this to himself.

At this point, I don't know how much more of this I can take, as he continues to self medicate on top of the medication (anti-anxiety, pain) that the doctor has prescribed for him. Its a very dangerous situation, and his drinking has only gotten worse. I've tried everything I could think of to get him to stop (let him know how badly it was affecting me, his health and his treatment), but he doesn't see that there is a problem. I've also suggested he go to counseling but he wont have any of it. I think that he feels like the drinking/smoking is one of the few things left that he has to enjoy.

Its getting to the point where I cannot take it anymore, the constant worry, picking him up off the floor (yes, he's fallen several times from drinking/lack of sleep). Its like everyday is a new crisis or issue to deal with...either he fell, hurt him self doing something he shouldn't be doing (lifting heavy objects) or giving the family friend (my ray of light in all of this since she is the only one helping) a difficult time. He is a stubborn person to begin with and getting him to realize his limitations & the importance of rest and taking care of himself right now is next to impossible. I am at my wits end...I think that if he doesn't care enough to take care of himself then why should I, as this is starting to affect me in a negative way (excessively missing work, not sleeping/eating, depression). But then I think that I am being selfish, and I just cannot leave him to fend on his own, especially given that he is going through so much right now.

I'm already on sleeping medication as a result (they dont help) and am thinking about going to counseling to help deal with all of this...just a matter of finding the time b/c everything is so focused on him right now.

Just looking for some advice or words of wisdom. He really is a good person, and it hurts so much to see him go through this. I don't know what to do.

I just want to show solidarity. First of all you are not selfish. just the opposite. You might be too caring. You father is young! He needs to try to save his own life. How you get him to do that, I don't know. People in that situation often fail to listen to their nearest and dearest but someone from outside the family might be able to get through to him.

Your father's behaviour isn't your responsibility even if he does have cancer. He might feel better a couple of weeks after treatment ends and then maybe things will settle down a bit. YOU need counselling right now to help you stop your father's problems swamping you. I'm sure a counsellor would be able to give you advice to help you sort this whole situation out. There's always the Cancer Society too.

I wish you all the best.

Lots of cancer survivors go through a "difficult" stage where they don't pay attention to what they should be doing, seem to give up or get angry. Sometimes the meds can contribute to this. And it's easy for a caregiver to start feeling guilty when you see the suffering a loved one is experiencing. Maybe it's time for you to put on your "Nurse from Hell" hat and tell your father what's what. But first, you must take care of YOU, because if you're not ok, then how can you be of any use to anyone else? As Alpaca says, you need to find someone that can help you. Do you have a family doctor or maybe your father's doctor that can point you in the right direction?

Until that happens maybe you can make a chart with a list of all the meds your father should be taking, what time, dosage, etc, a list of what bills should be paid and when, phone numbers of all the doctors and anything else you can think of. Then give your father a copy and tell him that since you are trying to do all this to help him survive, he has got to try and help out a little. I had to do something like this when my son got into severe depression, was not drinking his liquids, didn't want to eat and overdoing the Ibuprofen. I put a copy of my chart on the refrigerator and told him to check off all the things as he did them so everyone would know what he did (or didn't do). This can be handy when the doctor asks what's up. It can also help both of you to feel more in control of a very difficult and painful time. I've heard that smoking can cancel out the effects of Rad Tx. You could ask the doctor about this or whether a Nicotine Patch would be ok. And throw out the Vodka. Or have a drink yourself. Sometimes being a caregiver is so hard. After I had my "Nurse from Hell" session with my son, I cried all the way home in the car. But things got better after that. Sure hope things get better for you and your Father. Hang in there. Keep in touch here.

It is very tough to have a cancer diagnosis. You are touching all the issues, but the core issue is likely that he is completely overwhelmed and past caring. As an armchair psychologist it seems like classic severe depression.

Call his RO and see if there is any support that the hospital can give. Also ask about support groups for family members.

I am guessing your mom is not in the picture by what you posted.

I don't know that I could have survived without my wife as my cheerleader. She was there every moment for me.

I am in no way trying to downplay your efforts, it just seems like he has a lot of time on his own to dwell on the "bad" thoughts. They can take control very easily when your not distracted by other things.

I don't think you are being selfish in anyway shape or form. You are probably being way too easy on him. Ask a professional how you should handle the situation.

I would probably tell him to man up, he not dead, he will beat this, but he isn't helping himself. Then again I am the type of person that needs a kick in the ass occasionally.