When is it time to put your loved one in a home? My father, will be 65 on Friday, is horribly difficult. He refuses to do things he knows he has to do. He attempts to do things he cannot do. He chose to live with my brother, who is a single guy and works 12 hour days. My father fell yesterday and tried to hide it. He was admitted to the hospital last night with an infected feeding tube. My father cannot care for himself. My brother cannot and does not want to care for him. Is it time to demand he be put in a home where he can get the proper care? He will not come with me because I live too far away and have too many kids. Not really valid in my opinion but I cannot force him to let me take care of him.

It sounds like things just keep escalating for you, Keleigh. I don't know if there is. Simple answer, however, there are many options before such a drastic measure. It's hard to decipher where you are from and I can only speak to US healthcare. We have home healthcare and your father would qualify here. They provide an aide to help with keeping the basic living area kept up, some meals, a nurse to check things like the feeding tube. It's paid for my Medicare, here, if qualified.

Are you sure some of what you are experiencing is fear of the unknown? Or maybe, perhaps, you have a preferred method of dealing with things and your brother/father aren't being as thorough in thinking some of this through.

The bottom line is your father's health and safety may be at stake and if you feel strongly his health is jeopardized, you have to act. If it's not, you have to work through the issues until they are reasonably resolved in your mine. Being far away doesn't preclude involvement. Contacting a social worker your father should have been assigned would be the first step here.

Best wishes in all this. Caregiving is tough enough, without the geographical distance.

I was in a similar position with my parents. Check with his doctor or the hospital social worker. There are many services available like Uptown mentioned, but they usually required a doctor to request them and it is often only after a hospital stay. My parents had nurses, home aids and meals brought in to their home. Age, income and insurance are also factors. It was a big help with my parents and allowed them to stay in their home for a few more years. Wishing you the best!

Also, do you or your brother have power of attorney for your father?

We are in the US. He gets home health visits but they said only once a week. For the rest of the time, he is alone while my brother is at work. I had to force the nurse to go check on him yesterday. I knew something was wrong. No one would listen until I begged the home health to check on him. I just feel useless. Yes my brother and I both have POA.

If he gets home healthcare once a week that is for the nurse. Along with that you can get a "helper" to come over, tidy up the living area, change the sheets, help with a bath, etc.

I hope you and your brother are on the same page in all this. About the only thing worse than what you are going through would be adding more stress to an already stressful situation. And, of course, if you feel your father is being left alone too much for his personal safety, you have an obligation to become involved.