Hi, I haven't posted many times on here, but I read things all the time. I feel kind of silly for posting something now because right now at this minute, my dad is in remission. He's having a lot of nosebleeds and weakness. He sees his ENT tomorrow. I'm not convinced the cancer is back, but I'm also not convinced that it's not. My problem is that I feel like I don't handle these ups and downs very well and I thought people on here could understand how I'm feeling. A couple months ago they saw something funny on his esaphagus so I went into a major depression thinking the cancers back and he's going to suffer. Then we got the biopsy results back and they were ok so I was elated. Now he's having nosebleeds and weakness and I'm depressed again thinking that it could be back. I almost feel bipolar. I think it's because I feel like even if these results come back ok, then the next ones or the ones after that won't. I feel like it's just a matter of time before it really is back and everything will change. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but it's hard to talk to people in my real life because they just want to cheer me up and make me feel positive. But you guys know what I'm talking about, right? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Do other people feel this way or am I just super negative? Thanks for letting me vent.

Im so sorry you are having a difficult time! This is completely normal. Many patients and caregivers go thru exactly what you described. It has been compared to PTSD, or maybe it is a form of it. Others have described it as just waiting for the other shoe to drop. After everything your family has been thru and you have witnesses first hand with someone you love its perfectly normal to have doubts of a good future. Fearing a recurrence is all of our worst fear. Quite a few caregivers will seek out a therapist to talk to, many take anxiety meds. I wish I had some magic words to help make you feel better. I guess its like everything else, it takes time to heel.

Hi, SoSad
You sound like me! I am finally doing a little better, but I still have issues, too, and periodically have to stop posting as it makes the memories return. In addition to Christine' suggestions, I find that meditation and exercise both help me cope. Are you able to take a walk in the morning? Spring should finally have arrived in Kentucky, and your Dad, who loves you, would undoubtedly like you to enjoy it.

Remember, too, that you can better carry a burden if you put it down from time to time. As my mother said, 'let go, let God'. We can only do our best, and it seems to me you are doing that.

All my best to you and your Dad.
Maria

Hi,
We are 2.5 years out and I can honestly say I still struggle with this. We will have another PET scan in June. The closer that gets the more the stomach hurts. It really is the new normal and I had to talk to our doctor about something for the anxiety. I needed it more in the first year than I do now, but even now I am very happy to have it.
Please know what you are feeling is normal and it is great that you are reaching out for advice. Please look into some counseling or at the very least some meds to help. And stay in touch!!
Hoping you find some peace,
Kathy

What you are experiencing is very common. Do seek counseling or see a psychiatrist and get some meds for anxiety.

You can also ask yourself how you are spending that time worrying and if there are ways to be spending that time that is more pleasurable and comforting. That almost sounds so stupid but this is where you will your mind to a better place, knowing the worrying and anxiety place is not so good. Easier said than done but find a couple things that really engage you that you can focus your energy to while feel bummed out. Good luck. Don

[quote=donfoo]What you are experiencing is very common. Do seek counseling or see a psychiatrist and get some meds for anxiety.

You can also ask yourself how you are spending that time worrying and if there are ways to be spending that time that is more pleasurable and comforting.

That almost sounds so stupid but this is where you will your mind to a better place, knowing the worrying and anxiety place is not so good. Easier said than done but find a couple things that really engage you that you can focus your energy to while feel bummed out. Good luck. Don[/quote]

What donfoo said! Monitor your thoughts and attitude, and when you find yourself starting down a negative path in your thoughts, (and you may think this sounds silly, but it works) speak sharply (in your mind) to yourself and say "Quit that!" and direct your concentration/thoughts to something unrelated, and preferably pleasant.

I suggest that you choose a topic to think about that is unrelated to the cancer situation. Using the cancer situation reinforces the natural inclination to create rosy scenarios where a complete cure is the next event, and that inevitably leads to strong attachment to that outcome.

We all wish for that, but attachment to it sets you up for greater suffering if that is not the outcome that life and reality hand you. Leave that one alone and just do all you can do and then see how things go.

You may have difficulty with this at first, but do it. It is a technique for self-programming you mind to avoid unnecessary suffering. This business comes with all the suffering you will ever want, so don't add to your burden with more that is unnecessary and avoidable.

The technique will work, and will become second nature after a short while and will help you all through out your life, as well.

Hi. I hope you are feeling re-assured by the previous post. I think that once cancer touches a family it never quite goes away. Martin has been cancer free now for almost 6 years. But the slightests sore throat or mention of a mouth ulcer and I worry and keep an eye. This disease is so awful and the treatment so hard that it stays. I never show him my worries, but make sure I know if something is wrong, and make sure he keeps telling me. I am not negative, on the contrary out of the 2 of us I am the most positive, but secretly I worry. I never tell Martin I do though, he is negative and "grumpy" (as our 3 year old would say) enough as it is. We all had at least 1 rant here. It's nice to be able to turn somewhere.