Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in a really bad episode of a soap opera.

Mentally, there are times that I don't think Matt knows where or when he is. He will do completely random acts and if I try to figure out what he is doing he gets quite upset.

He isn't eating again too. I told him he'd feel better if he would, when he tells me he feels yucky.

Then he says, if I eat or if I don't I die anyway, what's it matter.

How sad Christine. It sounds like Matt's condition is deteriorating quite a bit now. I don't have any experience in dealing with this stage of the disease, but wanted to tell you that you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Donna

So sorry to hear this Christine. If it's any consolation, you have friends who are thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
julieann

Thinking of you Christine as you struggle through this most difficult of times in the cancer journey. I am sure Matt is indeed confused and hallucinating at times but gets angry when you can't understand what he is up to because it is so real to him in his mind. I went through this with my husband in his last weeks and days. All you can do is gently dispel the errors in his thinking and redirect if necessary. I can remember my husband when his hallucinations started, asking me if something was real or in his mind. Eventually his periods of lucidity decreased, thankfully he was easily redirected. If Matt should become aggressive in his thinking and behavior sedation would need to be considered. I hope you are getting some support now from Hospice, Don't hesitate to call them for help anytime you need it and also friends and relatives that may be able to give you a break. This a tough road you are travelling and you need all the help you can get. May you find the strength and courage to face each day.

Calling on friends or relatives is a really good idea. I remember when a friend of mine was caring for her Mother-in-law who had lung cancer - I went over once or twice just to sit with her MIL so that she and her husband could go out for an hour or so to take care of errands or just for a change of scenery. It does help. Sometimes people don't think to offer to come to stay with the patient, but if they ask what they can do to help, you could mention it or even if they don't ask, you could mention it anyway. It's a very loving, but tough and demanding job you are doing and you do need a break to take care of yourself, too.

[quote=CMMoore]His daughter that lives a few hours away has said she will be making trips to see him every other week, and his local daughter is still visiting frequently. I LOVE having some local support and they usually back me up when it's needed.[/quote]
I went back to a previous post remembering Matt's daughters are close by. Correct me if I am wrong but I seem to remember you moved to the area to be closer to his family?
Considering what you have written and Matt's state at the moment are you able to have them there more often for his sake as well as you your own...just a thought
Wishing you all the best with your struggles and sending you a big {{{hug}}}

Christine, I know how hard this is and no words make it easier. If you can, try to let the bad moods and anger slide off and make the most of every minute. The progression really changed Jim too. I had to keep reminding myself in those moments that it wasn't him treating me that way it's the disease....much easier said than done, I know, but I sure wish I could have a do-over on some of my reactions. Thinking about you!

Thanks for the words of wisdom ladies.

Gabe - Yes, I dropped everything to move closer to his children through this. The daughter closest to us usually stops in once a week, but has been busy this week. Both of his daughters are expected this weekend. I may use the chance to get out for a day.

The hospice nurses said that it's likely just the narcotics at this point causing the confusion. He didn't admit to any hallucinations, but I suspect there may have been a few along the way.

The thing about the hallucinations is that they are totally convinced that what they are seeing, remembering, experiencing, thinking, etc. is absolutely correct. J's dad called one day and asked how J's business trip to the moon went. He asked a lot of detailed questions about it. Mets and Meds. J just went along with what he was saying and answered the questions to the best of his ability...having never actually gone on a business trip to the moon.

It's kind of funny to think about it now. Back then, it was really sad.

Hello, Christine
I hope that the daughters are there to visit and that you have some time to yourself. Maybe the confusion will lessen on its own or they can change the medications a bit. Prayers for peace and strength to you from Ohio.
Maria

Hi Christine

It may also be the chemo doing his head in in addition to disease or pain killers. My Alex suffered for 12 months after treatment finished. He used to describe it as his thoughts being "tangled". He was able to explain later that he couldn't get his timelines straight. As a consequence he might respond to something I had said 5 minutes ago thinking I just said it. This caused me some confusion as I had moved on to another topic and there were many conversations with both of us trying to convince the other that their recollection of the conversation was flawed. His irritability came when I tried to correct his confusion and he realised his version didn't make sense. I learned this served no purpose, so when it didn't matter, I allowed the misconceptions to continue as he didn't remember them 5 minutes later anyway. This also happened with actions as well as thoughts and conversations.

I don't know if this is relevant given where you and Matt are right now but Alex came good with antidepressants.

I was two weeks+, induced coma, while they controlled infection in donor transplant site in leg, then two more weeks ICU, heavy sedation, strapped to bed, and let me tell you, "Dem Chems is Moider".
You do indeed, live in a fantasy world, where you cannot tell one thought from another, everything is real, AND IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE, because you have no choice, you HAVE to lie there and experience it, try to make sense of it.

The ones' who suffer the most, are CareGivers, you earn a special place in Heaven.